Author Topic: black with bronze cursive.  (Read 2260 times)

Offline MTV_poetasters

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black with bronze cursive.
« on: January 24, 2006, 09:57:44 PM »
I sit by the pond. A slight ice sprawls over it looking for something to hold on to before its demise. I inhale a smoke, as a breath of wind parts my hair. I wonder, " Why is it that I can think here?" I take out a pencil and reach into my bag and take out a black book. The cover reads, “ I love you”. Its written in beautiful bronze cursive with a slight slant backwards. I never put the title there. I lost it a couple weeks ago and I found it in my backpack with that on the cover. I often think about who might have written it. The author of the font must have the most delicate beautiful hands in the world to write with such elegance.
   I hold my pen in hand and began to write. I write about my idea for a short story, I write about love, I write about time. I write what I see, and I see me, my slightly distorted reflection greats me from the icy water. I say “ what are you doing the water?” He shrugs his shoulders; he doesn’t mind the all the ice enveloping his body. He opens his mouth and my voice comes out, “ what are you doing there?” he says like I was the crazy one. “Here? I’m safe, warm, on this rock I can think.” I say. He smiles “why not be dangerous, why not be cold, and why don’t you try to stop thinking so much?” he says. I thought for a little, “ Maybe you’re right, I cant live my life safe and warm and thinking. I need to live, I need to take risks, and I need to stop thinking so much.” I put my pen and book down. “ Thats the spirit.” He says. The ice breaks open and his cold blue arm comes out from the water and reaches out to mine “ come with me.” he says softly. Without thinking twice, I grasp his, the gentle cold against the warmth of my hands creates a small amount of steam, and I am whisked away into the depths of the water.    
   It’s a like a dream, and when I reach the surface, I don’t remember anything of what I saw below the ice. I swim in place in the icy water trying to figure out what had happened. I girl walks up to the pond and sees me swimming. “ What are you doing in there?” she says curiously. I am not embarrassed. I laugh “ what are you doing up there?” she sits down on the rock, “well, I like it here.” She hugs herself. “Its safe, its warm, Its also a great place to just think.” I move closer to the shore, my head at the edge of the rock, my black journal lay at her feet. “ Why don’t you try being dangerous, why don’t you try being cold, and why don’t try not thinking, why don’t you try just living?” she looks down into my eyes. “ I haven’t looked at it like that before, maybe your right.” I put my hand out to hers. She drops a bronze pen. Her hand is warm, soft, it is the most beautiful I have ever seen. I don’t need to ask, because I know. I could feel that it’s her. She pulls me out of the water. I am cold and wet, but she lets me sit next to her anyway create a puddle of pond water wetting her lose fit pants. “ I read”- She begins to say, I interrupt. I take a risk. “I love you.” I say, without worry or thought. “ I love you too

I dont think its clear enough what happend, so I was hoping for some feed back on how I can make it clearer. But any critisism is welcome. I was trying to make a story about a girl who found a boys journal and fell in love, based purely on what he had written of his life. this is a just a part of what it hopefully may become.

Offline Foxy

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Re: black with bronze cursive.
« Reply #1 on: January 25, 2006, 08:56:52 AM »
There is some nice imagery in this piece and a sense of otherworldliness (is that a word? lol). I spotted quite a few typos, but I'm guilty of peppering my writing with them too so please don't take that as a criticism.

The story would benefit from some formatting though, such as a new paragraph each time different characters speak. You have definitely got something here MTV, the overall premise of the piece has great potential.
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Offline Symphony

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Re: black with bronze cursive.
« Reply #2 on: January 25, 2006, 12:22:10 PM »
Wow! Absolutely gorgeous. Don't think you need to make it any clearer what happened - it would spoil it! I like being able to work it out. Of course, it's not the same for everyone.

I really love the first paragraph. Beautifully written. Lots of typos and grammar things (formatting, etc.) but that's to worry about at a later date.

The only thing is to stick very carefully to that wonder present tense. You slipped out of it here and there:

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I thought for a little, “ Maybe you’re right, I cant

I think ...

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I don’t remember anything of what I saw below the ice. I swim in place in the icy water trying to figure out what had happened. I
I don't ...... of what I have seen below the ice. I swim ....... figure out what has [just] happened ...

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I could feel that it's her.
I can feel that it's her.

And one thing quite different: I presume this was her reply - but even so I wondered if it was really necessary? It's almost 'finishing it off' too much ... it's such a dreamy sort of piece, I wondered about completing it all nice and neatly at the end. I think his 'I love you' is more than enough - but that's entirely a personal thing.

Thoroughly enjoyed every moment of this,

Symphony

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“ I love you too