Author Topic: Is this too weird?  (Read 1770 times)

Offline Journey

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Is this too weird?
« on: February 16, 2011, 06:06:05 AM »
He knew me in a way no one else ever had, no one else could. I trusted him with my life, this stranger. After only one meeting, I knew he was the one.
 
Counting the days till our next rendezvous, I prepped, I thought about little else. We met in the small room with the heavy green curtains. He didn’t want to push me if I wasn’t ready, but it was now or never. My hands shaky, my palms sweaty, I could barely breathe, when he he looked down at me on the mattress. I was going to let him inside me, touch me in places where no one else ever had. I hoped he would be the only one who would ever have this privilege. I closed my eyes and prayed that he wouldn’t hurt me, that I would be OK when it was all over. I prayed I would never regret this decision.
 
He stood over me and took my hand. “Trust me.” He said looking at me with a warm smile on his face.
I hoped he would not mention the tears welling up in my eyes.
 
“It will be over before you know it.”
 
I looked into his eyes and saw the compassion. I did my homework and knew he was experienced. I let myself go.
 
It was as though I lost a chunk of time, when I woke up in terrible pain. My head felt like an axe had gone through it.
 
“How are you?” He said.
 
I felt groggy and did not answer.
 
“It was routine. Once I lifted the cerebellum, it revealed 2 compressions of the 5th cranial nerve, which I separated all the way to the nerve root entry zone with Teflon pledgets. I believe your Trigeminal Neuralgia is cured. I replaced the skull bone and you have fourteen staples, which can be removed in two weeks."
 
It was finally over. The years of living in a drug induced fog with relentless pain had come to an end in his skilled hands. I have formed an intimate bond with this man who will probably never remember my face after today. I hope I never have to see him again.


I support people suffering with Trigeminal Neuralgia. I was that girl in the story. I was going to post this on a medical site and thought some people might be offended. I thought I'd get your opinions first. Be honest please.
Writing takes me to places and times that Air Miles doesn't cover.

Offline Boop-Bom-Tow!

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Re: Is this too weird?
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2011, 06:20:36 AM »
Please refrain from calling something serious and heartfelt wierd. Wierd is classed as perverted and creepy and the like. The only people you will probably offend are wierd people like myself, for calling something like this wierd, because its not something you can laugh at, theres no satire, no comedy, its nice, nice to read a story like that, nice to know that the entire world isnt falling apart and there are other things going on that have pretty much got nothing to do with the x-factor or justin bieber or just something generally blown completely out of proportion like that. This is not wierd. I am.
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Offline Amanda George

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Re: Is this too weird?
« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2011, 06:23:50 AM »
I was going to suggest you added an "adults only" tag to the subject when I read the first bit  :-[  I'm glad I didn't now though!  lol  It's a great story and I think you should go for sending it in with a subject line of "keep reading, it's not what you immediately think!"  lol
There is no beginning or end. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present (unknown)

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Offline Boop-Bom-Tow!

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Re: Is this too weird?
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2011, 06:25:59 AM »
And they say dudes have one tracked minds.
I was going to suggest you added an "adults only" tag to the subject when I read the first bit  :-[  I'm glad I didn't now though!  lol  It's a great story and I think you should go for sending it in with a subject line of "keep reading, it's not what you immediately think!"  lol
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Offline Amanda George

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Re: Is this too weird?
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2011, 06:34:59 AM »
And they say dudes have one tracked minds.


Terrible ain't it... such thoughts coming from one as sweet, pure and innocent as me! *ahem*  lol
There is no beginning or end. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present (unknown)

Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

Offline Boop-Bom-Tow!

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Re: Is this too weird?
« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2011, 06:39:42 AM »


Terrible ain't it... such thoughts coming from one as sweet, pure and innocent as me! *ahem*  lol

Actually, I was just speaking about women in general. Dudes are one tracked minded, but so are women.
Stephen Fatewright of the 36th glacier of san antonio destrict canada.

Silt

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Re: Is this too weird?
« Reply #6 on: February 16, 2011, 07:25:29 AM »
hello

I think you would do better to remove the twisted hint of sex. It does not require the removal but more moving it down til after the operations. I say this because that twist is not needed and for me lessens the story, especially since it is a personal story. for example

---------

“How are you?” He said.
 
"I feel groggy." and did not answer.
 
“It was routine. Once I lifted the cerebellum, it revealed 2 compressions of the 5th cranial nerve, which I separated all the way to the nerve root entry zone with Teflon pledgets. I believe your Trigeminal Neuralgia is cured. I replaced the skull bone and you have fourteen staples, which can be removed in two weeks."

He knew me in a way no one else ever had, or no one else could. I had trusted him with my life, this stranger. I knew he was the one.
 
Counting the days till our next rendezvous, I prepped, I thought about little else. We met in the small room with the heavy withgreen curtains. He didn’t want to push me if I wasn’t ready, but it was then now or never. My hands shook, my palms sweated, I could barely breathe, when he he looked down at me on the mattress. I was going to let him inside me, touch me in places where no one else ever had and hoped he would be the only one who would ever have this privilege.

I had closed my eyes and prayed that he wouldn’t hurt me, that I would be OK when it was all over. I prayed I would never regret this decision.
 
He had stood over me and took my hand. “Trust me.” He had  said looking at me with a warm smile on his face and . I hoped he would not didn't mention my tears welling up in my eyes.
 
“It will be over soon before you know it.
 
I then looked into his eyes and saw the compassion, . I did my homework and knew he was experienced and had let my fears  go.
 
It was as though I lost a chunk of time, when I woke up in terrible pain. My head felt like an axe had gone through it.
 


It was finally over. The years of living in a drug induced fog with relentless pain had come to an end in his skilled hands. I have formed an intimate bond with this man who will probably never remember my face after today. I hope I never have to see him again.

-----------


okay I just woke up, but what I am trying to show is not to take away something serious and personal and twist it into something that is another emotion, just for the sake of a twist. I say this especially since you mentioned this is  true and that you are considering posting this in a medical site where others who have shared that pain might not like that association.

I struck-out things I believe do not move the story forward or repeat phrases shown later.

perfected past 'had'  sometimes a story needs it, especially when told in past tense about a past, to separate the two time-lines.

I do like the story.

thank you
« Last Edit: February 16, 2011, 07:34:07 AM by Silt »

Offline Amanda George

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Re: Is this too weird?
« Reply #7 on: February 16, 2011, 07:46:10 AM »
Actually, I was just speaking about women in general. Dudes are one tracked minded, but so are women.

Too right!  lol
There is no beginning or end. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present (unknown)

Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

Offline LRSuda

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Re: Is this too weird?
« Reply #8 on: February 16, 2011, 11:48:39 AM »
I must agree with Silt because of your stated choice of venues. Although the misdirection was rather well done, I don't think publishers of medical sites are in the market for such. And your target market, Ella, is as important as the writing itself. I'd suggest reading the other postings on this site you mention and, if it is where you would like to have this story accepted, write it in a style according to what you see there. 

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Is this too weird?
« Reply #9 on: February 16, 2011, 11:58:00 AM »
I had a tumour removed - fondly known as Roger the Lodger! 36 staples in a horseshoe. Ain't life grand? Rather than a medical site as such - would it be worth contacting the support group and including it in some of their 'survivor' stories type thing. ??? ??? ???

Certainly, anyone who has been through it would appreciate it. ;)

Offline Journey

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Re: Is this too weird?
« Reply #10 on: February 16, 2011, 02:39:01 PM »
Hmmmm..... I thought it was a little risqué for a medical site. I think I will pass on posting it there. At least I had fun writing it. My gut, who always speaks words of wisdom, told me this was a no no.

"Roger the Lodger" LOL, Hey Sio we should compare scars  ;) ;)
Writing takes me to places and times that Air Miles doesn't cover.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Is this too weird?
« Reply #11 on: February 16, 2011, 02:41:03 PM »
I was thrilled they confirmed I had a brain [notice the use of the past tense :D :D :D]