Author Topic: Toni's flibble wibble, chapter 7, 421 words  (Read 3733 times)

Offline Amanda George

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Toni's flibble wibble, chapter 7, 421 words
« on: February 15, 2011, 09:36:47 AM »
Chapter 7

When the end of the day came she saw her mum waiting for her at the gate.  Toni went over and asked her mum “can my three new friends come over at the weekend so that we can all get to know each other better?” and Toni’s mum agreed! 

Toni couldn’t wait for her new friends to meet her mum… she waited until she saw them come out of their classrooms and introduced Zara, Tim and Hannah to her mum.

Mrs Gently was glad to see her daughter so happy!  What a difference a day can make!

Toni told her new friends her address and said that they would have a great time at the weekend.
The days sped past until Friday came along and all of a sudden Toni was worried that seeing her new friends outside of school was a bad idea… what if they were only kind to her because they were at school?  What if they didn’t like her outside school?  Were they going to start bullying her too?

She was very quiet and thoughtful at morning break and said very little to her new friends which got them all worried about seeing her the next day! 

At lunchtime Hannah asked Toni “have we done something wrong.  You’ve been very quiet which is worrying me!” 

Toni decided honesty was the best policy and confessed to being worried about their friendship… she said “I don’t want tomorrow to spoil our friendship and I’m worried about you coming to my house in case you or your parents don’t approve of where I live or that I don’t have a dad or a million and one other things!”

Tim was amazed that Toni could think such things!  “OK, so we’ve only known each other for a week but our bond of friendship is a strong and lasting one!”  Toni was grateful that Tim felt that way and it put her mind at rest a bit but she was still worried. 

She told her mum and her mum said “it’s totally understandable that you are nervous but wait and see what happens on Saturday.”

Saturday morning came and Toni felt sick with nerves.  She wanted her new friends to come over but she didn’t want to spoil the friendships they had made at school. 

Time seemed to drag as she waited for her new friends and as each minute passed Toni got more and more nervous!  Suddenly there was a knock at the door - it was too late to back out now!
There is no beginning or end. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present (unknown)

Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Toni's flibble wibble, chapter 7, 421 words
« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2011, 09:39:08 AM »
and Toni's mum agreed . . . could she have nodded? That way you have an action 'showing' rather than words just 'telling'

Offline Amanda George

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Re: Toni's flibble wibble, chapter 7, 421 words
« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2011, 09:41:57 AM »
and Toni's mum agreed . . . could she have nodded? That way you have an action 'showing' rather than words just 'telling'

Oooh!  Good shout!  Thank you 510!   :)
There is no beginning or end. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present (unknown)

Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Toni's flibble wibble, chapter 7, 421 words
« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2011, 10:03:57 AM »
And look for other bits that do the same - there's quite a few.

Also - check the use of 'her mum'. :) :) :)

Offline Amanda George

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Re: Toni's flibble wibble, chapter 7, 421 words
« Reply #4 on: February 15, 2011, 01:09:34 PM »
And look for other bits that do the same - there's quite a few.

Also - check the use of 'her mum'. :) :) :)

Thanks again... I'll go and have another look at the chapter again now  :)
There is no beginning or end. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present (unknown)

Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Toni's flibble wibble, chapter 7, 421 words
« Reply #5 on: February 15, 2011, 01:12:39 PM »
I'm deliberately not pointing them out to you because I feel you know now what to look for and can apply the knowledge you have learned - sorta being mean to be nice.

Read it aloud and also read it as if you were providing the crit - I've seen you point out some very helpful and pertinent points in your crits to others here. . . now apply it to this. ;) ;) ;)

Offline Amanda George

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Re: Toni's flibble wibble, chapter 7, 421 words
« Reply #6 on: February 15, 2011, 01:19:01 PM »
I've replaced a few "her mum"s and got one of the character's mouth to drop open in amazement but other than that I'm totally lost  :(

I'm deliberately not pointing them out to you because I feel you know now what to look for and can apply the knowledge you have learned - sorta being mean to be nice.

Read it aloud and also read it as if you were providing the crit - I've seen you point out some very helpful and pertinent points in your crits to others here. . . now apply it to this. ;) ;) ;)
There is no beginning or end. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present (unknown)

Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Toni's flibble wibble, chapter 7, 421 words
« Reply #7 on: February 15, 2011, 01:31:27 PM »
I'll bold red anything I think is a tell or needs work because it's too passive. Remember you want your reader IN the scene and feeling all that is going on by playing out the action. Think  . . . how can I make that more actively shown through something the character does and where might dialogue help.

Chapter 7

When the end of the day came she saw her mum waiting for her at the gate.  Toni went over and asked her mum, "Can my three new friends come over at the weekend so that we can all get to know each other better?” and Toni's mum agreed!

Toni couldn't wait for her new friends to meet her mum. . . she waited until she saw them come out of their classrooms and introduced Zara, Tim and Hannah to her mum. (probably natural for dialogue here)

Mrs Gently was glad to see her daughter so happy. What a difference a day can make. (no need for the exclamation marks)

Toni told [so why not dialogue?] her new friends her address and said that they would have a great time at the weekend.
The days sped past until Friday came along and all of a sudden Toni was worried that seeing her new friends outside of school was a bad idea . . . what if they were only kind to her because they were at school?  What if they didn't like her outside school?  Were they going to start bullying her too?

She was very quiet and thoughtful at morning break and said very little to her new friends which got them all worried about seeing her the next day. (no exclamation mark needed)

At lunchtime Hannah asked Toni, "Have we done something wrong. You've been very quiet which is worrying me!”  

Toni decided honesty was the best policy and confessed to being worried about their friendship… she said “I don't want tomorrow to spoil our friendship and I'm worried about you coming to my house in case you or your parents don't approve of where I live or that I don't have a dad or a million and one other things!”

Tim was amazed that Toni could think such things!  “OK, so we've only known each other for a week but our bond of friendship is a strong and lasting one!”  Toni was grateful that Tim felt that way and it put her mind at rest a bit but she was still worried.  

She told her mum and her mum said , "It's totally understandable that you are nervous but wait and see what happens on Saturday.”

Saturday morning came and Toni felt sick with nerves.  She wanted her new friends to come over but she didn't want to spoil the friendships they had made at school.  

Time seemed to drag as she waited for her new friends and as each minute passed Toni got more and more nervous!  Suddenly there was a knock at the door - it was too late to back out now!

« Last Edit: February 15, 2011, 01:33:50 PM by 510bhan »

Offline Amanda George

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Re: Toni's flibble wibble, chapter 7, 421 words
« Reply #8 on: February 15, 2011, 02:27:01 PM »
Chapter 7

The bell rang which signalled the end of the day.  Mrs Gently is waiting for Toni at the gate.  “Can my three new friends come over at the weekend so that we can all get to know each other better?” and Mrs Gently nodded her head, smiling at her daughter.

Toni waited until she saw her friends coming out of their classrooms and introduced Zara, Tim and Hannah to Mum.

Mrs Gently was glad to see her daughter so happy.  What a difference a day can make.

Toni told her new friends her address and said that they would have a great time at the weekend.

The days sped past until Friday came along and all of a sudden Toni  becomes worried that seeing her new friends outside of school was a bad idea… what if they were only kind to her because they were at school?  What if they didn’t like her outside school?  Were they going to start bullying her too?

She was very quiet and thoughtful at morning break and said very little to her new friends which got them all worried about seeing her the next day. 

At lunchtime Hannah asked Toni “have we done something wrong.  You’ve been very quiet which is worrying me!” 

Toni decided honesty was the best policy and confessed to being worried about their friendship… she said “I don’t want tomorrow to spoil our friendship and I’m worried about you coming to my house in case you or your parents don’t approve of where I live or that I don’t have a dad or a million and one other things!”

Tim’s mouth dropped open in amazement that Toni could think such things!  “OK, so we’ve only known each other for a week but our bond of friendship is a strong and lasting one!”  Toni was grateful that Tim felt that way and it put her mind at rest a bit but she was still worried. 

She told her mum “I can’t help but be worried about Saturday”

Mum took Toni into a hug and said “it’s totally understandable that you are nervous but wait and see what happens on Saturday.”

Saturday morning came and Toni is queasy with nerves.  She wants her new friends to come over but she doesn’t want to spoil the friendships they’ve made at school. 

The minutes dragged as she waited for her new friends and as each minute passed Toni got more and more nervous!  Suddenly there was a knock at the door - it was too late to back out now!
There is no beginning or end. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present (unknown)

Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

Silt

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Re: Toni's flibble wibble, chapter 7, 421 words
« Reply #9 on: February 15, 2011, 02:51:13 PM »
i re-typed my comment about 10 times because though I could critique this, I think it would be better for you to just slow down, go over what was said about your pieces before, don't feel so rushed to get this story out.


Offline Amanda George

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Re: Toni's flibble wibble, chapter 7, 421 words
« Reply #10 on: February 15, 2011, 03:10:24 PM »
i re-typed my comment about 10 times because though I could critique this, I think it would be better for you to just slow down, go over what was said about your pieces before, don't feel so rushed to get this story out.



I'm only about half way through asking for crits for this book and I'm only asking for crits of pieces I wrote last year lol  I'm hoping that by getting crits on earlier chapters it will kick my muse into action so that I can keep writing... I haven't written anything for about 10 days because my inspiration has deserted me  :(
There is no beginning or end. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present (unknown)

Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

Silt

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Re: Toni's flibble wibble, chapter 7, 421 words
« Reply #11 on: February 15, 2011, 03:13:20 PM »
:) I understand and have come to believe that I should never force my writing, it ends up all dis-jointed when I do.

Have you edited these pieces since written, prior to posting? I ask this because in a year a writer's writing can change a lot. its probably why I delete all my old stories :)

Offline Amanda George

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Re: Toni's flibble wibble, chapter 7, 421 words
« Reply #12 on: February 15, 2011, 03:37:02 PM »
:) I understand and have come to believe that I should never force my writing, it ends up all dis-jointed when I do.

Have you edited these pieces since written, prior to posting? I ask this because in a year a writer's writing can change a lot. its probably why I delete all my old stories :)

I've done a few edits to try and improve the chapters but I've got such a bad memory that I can never remember if the edit makes it better or worse so I tend to leave it other than the occasional read-through to make sure it all makes sense and to try and kick-start the inspiration engine going but my memory lets me down again then too  :( 

Just as an example of how bad my memory is, last time I added to it, I added the next chapter number from memory as 12 but I found out about 5 minutes ago that it's actually chapter 20!  Yes, totally serious!

I've got to find a way to start chapter 20 off with Toni apologising to her mum after throwing another strop at her mum at the end of chapter 19 but my muse has had an early night and I don't know how to wake her up!  :(
There is no beginning or end. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present (unknown)

Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

Silt

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Re: Toni's flibble wibble, chapter 7, 421 words
« Reply #13 on: February 15, 2011, 04:05:32 PM »
enter the flash challenge on this site, sometimes its good to look away so you can see your story in a new light.

you can use the prompts to write a piece for your story, it is limited to 200 words and has certain rules to follow, but nothing that can stop you from writing.

my current project was brought on by a member's post of the hubble space telescopes pictures. it was only 300-400 words long but is now 3k going on 4k. I had set it aside for some time whilst I wrote other flashes and I believe that distancing helped me find a direction to go.


Offline Amanda George

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Re: Toni's flibble wibble, chapter 7, 421 words
« Reply #14 on: February 15, 2011, 05:18:35 PM »
I've had a read of the flash challenge but don't think I could keep to the "exactly 200 words" as, knowing me, I would go 3 or 4 words under or over it!  :(  Not to worry, I'll keep trying to wake my inspiration up  :)
There is no beginning or end. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present (unknown)

Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.