Author Topic: Would this introduction make you want to read more?  (Read 2429 times)

LMPhillips

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Would this introduction make you want to read more?
« on: July 12, 2006, 10:20:41 AM »
                                                                          BEYOND THE BLUE

"Now this is what I call a rush."  She gushes excitedly to the handsome co-pilot as he buckles her into the flight instructor's seat of the Ellsworth B-1 Bomber.  Instantly she feels moronic at the obvious flirtation, but the scent from his subtle aftershave is heightening the thrill flowing through all of her senses.  After securely fastening her last buckle, the co-pilot settles his compact body into his own seat to finish his preflight checklist.  It takes all of her composure to keep from begging him not to leave her in such a vulnerable state. 

As a surge of energy ignites the jet's engines, ripples of anticipation tingle along the entire length of her body. Vibrations from the bomber soon replace the ripples as the pilot pushes the throttles forward, sending the behemoth lumbering down the tarmac into position for take off.  The scream of the engines become deafening as they increase in thrust, making it almost impossible for her to decipher the tinny voices of the crew as they acknowledge their instructions from the tower. 

Mesmerized, she stares beyond the front windshield, at the beauty of the pale gold South Dakota landscape before her.  With a sudden jolt, the brakes release, sending the dark green, camouflaged aircraft hurdling down the runway.  In an instant they are catapulted into the air.  As the sleek bird ascends into the clear, sapphire blue sky she feels the crushing g-forces as they threaten to hold them fast to the ground.  She purposefully wills herself to breathe as her heart pounds wildly in her breast. 

It is in this instant that she realizes the pinnacle of her existence.  She has become the epitome of kinetic energy.  Not a mechanical energy created by artificial means, such as the raw force that this aircraft produces.  But a natural energy generated by the power of all that is in her heart, her dreams and her thoughts.  All that she has experienced in the past; love, hate, pride, insecurity and even lust; has endowed her with a strength that she did not realize she possessed, until now………..













« Last Edit: July 28, 2006, 12:16:03 PM by LMPhillips »

Offline Milysmic

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Re: Would this introduction make you want to read more?
« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2006, 12:29:40 PM »
I thought this introduction was really good. I was in the plane with them! I would of read on!
Milysmic

Offline CarrieSheppard

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Re: Would this introduction make you want to read more?
« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2006, 01:16:12 PM »
Yup - I'd want to know more, why this flight is so important.  Couple of tiny comments

Quote
compact body
  makes him sound small, which perhaps he is.

Breath - should be breathe?

Cheers
Carrie

LMPhillips

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Re: Would this introduction make you want to read more?
« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2006, 09:05:20 PM »
Thanks Carrie,

You're right, he is small.  Smaller pilots actually do better in the air because of blood flow.  He's just incidental anyway.  The real story is me and my careeer in the Air Force.  Some of it fictionalized of course.  Thanks for the tip.

Lora

Offline Prachan

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Re: Would this introduction make you want to read more?
« Reply #4 on: July 12, 2006, 10:04:39 PM »
It's a very good begining. I would want to read more.
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Offline Writers Block

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Re: Would this introduction make you want to read more?
« Reply #5 on: July 13, 2006, 03:29:22 AM »
Quote
"Now this is what I call a rush."
- for sure grabbed my attention.

Looks like it good be the good basis for a story.

I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

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Risca

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Re: Would this introduction make you want to read more?
« Reply #6 on: July 14, 2006, 01:33:33 PM »
I like this very much, an would want to read on. A personal point (and I think most would disagree), I don't like how you have inadvertantly put 'rush' and 'gushes'  next to each other on the first line. Maybe it's just me, but I don't like words that rhyme, or almost rhyme together like that. A tiny, silly thing I know, but I'd like to know if anyone else has similar thoughts. If not, please ignore all but the first sentence of this reply.  :)

Risca xxx

Offline Writers Block

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Re: Would this introduction make you want to read more?
« Reply #7 on: July 14, 2006, 03:53:23 PM »
I like this very much, an would want to read on. A personal point (and I think most would disagree), I don't like how you have inadvertantly put 'rush' and 'gushes'  next to each other on the first line. Maybe it's just me, but I don't like words that rhyme, or almost rhyme together like that. A tiny, silly thing I know, but I'd like to know if anyone else has similar thoughts. If not, please ignore all but the first sentence of this reply.  :)

Risca xxx

I agree on the words that rhyme, it's unusual for me to miss it.

I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Offline Madeline_88

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Re: Would this introduction make you want to read more?
« Reply #8 on: July 15, 2006, 12:13:07 AM »
Very gripping I couldn't look away till I was finished reading it all, so my answer is *drum roll* yes.
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LMPhillips

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Re: Would this introduction make you want to read more?
« Reply #9 on: July 18, 2006, 10:04:33 AM »
Thanks for all of the comments.  This is a story I will be finishing after I finish another I am currently working on.  I'll submit excerpts soon.  I have learned so much from you guys.

Lora

Offline Grognoth

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Re: Would this introduction make you want to read more?
« Reply #10 on: July 22, 2006, 03:33:47 AM »
I think this is very good, almost poetic. Two points though: to make easier reading, seperate paragraphs with a space. Also, as it is through the eyes of a woman, I think that the 'heart beats wildly in her chest' should be 'heart beats wildly in her breast'. It is more feminine. To me, 'chest' makes her sound almost manly, butch, but then, maybe she is!
Grognoth

Offline Matthew

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Re: Would this introduction make you want to read more?
« Reply #11 on: July 22, 2006, 10:22:30 AM »
This is very good, I was ready for the next scene by the time I read the last line.

Offline GriftasSista

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Re: Would this introduction make you want to read more?
« Reply #12 on: July 23, 2006, 04:56:35 AM »
I found it very descriptive and had my pulse racing.  I like that you left us with an unanswered question at the end.  Does she have some kind of powers or is she feeling powerful by being in this powerful flying machine.

I like to call the flow of a story a roller coaster....slowly going up and up reaching the top and then the free fall ride of twist and turns. You have then taken the reader for a very exciting ride.

I would read on to find the answers, but as this was so powerful a start any lull in the pace may make some lose interest.

I agree with having spaces between paragraphs it makes it an easier read.  You would be amazed at what would make a reader stop reading.

Linda

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