Author Topic: Continuation to my 'testing out' piece  (Read 5489 times)

Offline "lorraineofkeli"

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Continuation to my 'testing out' piece
« on: July 20, 2006, 02:57:47 PM »
I started writing something a while back, and I've just got into the swing of continuing it. I had some positive comments about the part I started with, which I have pasted here:


In the midst of the crying wolves, he sat there, calm and beguiled.  He noticed the fallen leaves turning a shade of grey under the moonlight.   No place was safer than this now. He had seen all he needed to see the day before. That woman was more than he could handle.  Forget her nails - those brittle, lifeless, dirty pieces of unnourished bones. Today he was a martyr to his cause. Her children had been seen to; he smiled. The knowledge that he had taken the only things precious to her made him beam with utter satisfaction.  All three small and equally under-nourished children were deep within his land's fortress. 

The foggy smell of the night air soothed his excitement. It was time to kill again. For what cause? For his enjoyment of course. The previous night's woman had been a fighter.  He peered down at his scratched and blood stained arms - "what's this," he thought.  Picking at it with his blunt fingers, he unpeeled its hold from his skin - the woman's fingernail! In disgust he threw it to the ground amid the grey leaves.  That was all the reason for killing more tonight.  The damage he suffered taught him a lesson - go in stronger, go in deeper, take them all down. Find a woman just like that one. Spoiled, dirty, a disease to the touch - make her pay.  So the night was set. His plan was devised....



Now I have written a continuation to it and investigated the psyche and childhood of the main character. Any feedback would be appreciated on this one. Thank you! :)
Here's the rest:


As a boy, Darren Brayhorn was not unlike others his age.  He was a troublemaker of course, just as all of the youngsters on his block were. 
He and his two closest friends lived in what became known as 'Dumps Town' - as opposed to its official name of Dunston Hill.  With an 80%
unemployment figure, a massive drug abuse problem, and prostitution rife - this clearly was the most rundown area of the Midlands - of Britain
even.
   
Ten year-old Darren became fixated on a teenage girl living directly across the street from he and his mother. Jess was small and pretty, yet
slow - and so nobody gave a thought to her group of friends being as much as ten years her junior.
Darren was fascinated by the way she moved, the look of her mousy hair blowing in the wind, the white open-toe sandals she wore allowing
view of her red nail polish.  She spoke with a lisp; somehow making her even more special to the young tearaway.

One Saturday night, Darren waited for his mother to leave for her regular 'vodka romper' as she called it.  Already halfway 'romped' on her
home stock of vodka, she giggled her way out with her latest boyfriend before shouting "there's money for chips in the kitchen, Daz."
At Jess's front door, Darren held his breath and knocked. She was the only one who ever answered so Darren felt at ease immediately.  She
appeared in a filthy denim skirt and an unusually gleaming white shirt.
   "Can I come in?" Darren asked, eyes wide.
   "No, Mom's not well and Dad's sleeping. I'll come to yours though," she responded eagerly.  It was nine o'clock and Darren knew her
parents were so called 'junkies' really.  He had previously thought junkies were a type of social club or religion, but after witnessing the death
of Christopher's brother, Paul three months ago, he had learned the real meaning of the term.  It was funny, he thought, how Jess's house
smelled the same as Paul's - like toilets and old dusty newspapers. At his home that night, he was destined only to remember her bloodshot
eyes and her strangled cries.  To this day, he still kept her white sandals - his head was more than clear enough to secure them.

The grown-up Darren became more and more frustrated that he never met a girl quite like Jess again.  His first love, his first encounter with
the path he chose to lead in life.  He loved them all, yet despised them intensely at the same time - so he set about 'cleaning' them.
   "Dirty little bitch, dirty rotten cow!" came the voice of his mother. Spitting her words and scratching every inch of her skin in the
bath tub, she forgot she had a son until he came in to join her.  He learned not to disturb her at these times after she proceeded to scratch
into his skin and sit him alongside her in the tub.

His Aunt visited two weeks later only to find remnants of dead skin, fingernails and urine stained into the bath - a sight possible since his
mother's violent rantings frightened the boy into whizzing his pants.
« Last Edit: July 20, 2006, 03:11:28 PM by lorraineofkeli »

Offline Matthew

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Re: Continuation to my 'testing out' piece
« Reply #1 on: July 21, 2006, 12:57:56 AM »
This peice left me with a very eriee feeling.

Quote
One Saturday night, Darren waited for his mother to leave for her regular 'vodka romper' as she called it.  Already halfway 'romped' on her
home stock of vodka, she giggled her way out with her latest boyfriend before shouting "there's money for chips in the kitchen, Daz."
I don't really like this part at all. It's too...choppy and awkward. Try: Darren waited for his mother to leave for her 'vodka romper.' She started early and giggled her way out of the house with her boyfriend. "There's money for chips in the kitchen, Daz."

The reason I suggest this is because it lets the reader know that this is a regular event because there is a name for it.

More later...sorry, I have no time now.

Offline "lorraineofkeli"

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Re: Continuation to my 'testing out' piece
« Reply #2 on: July 21, 2006, 07:13:13 AM »
thanks for your comments matthew. i'll take them on board.
strangely though, i found that to be my favourite sentence!  ???
and i figured i'd indicated it was a regular thing by actually stating 'her regular vodka romper'  and adding 'as she called it' pretty much sealed the fact that she regularly did this.
anyways, i'll keep looking into it. thank you

Offline Lightbulb

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Re: Continuation to my 'testing out' piece
« Reply #3 on: July 21, 2006, 09:43:38 AM »
I agree with Matthew, very eriee. :) I like it. Dark, mysterious. About a serial killer I take it. I'd love to hear more, get the whole story behind this guy. I think however you have to explain more. Why did he decide to kill Jess, I don't really understand, maybe we're not meant to, who understand's serial killers? I think that's part of what makes it dark and mysterious. I think we need to see the scene with Christopher's junkie brother, instead of just hearing a little bit about it. It will add to the whole environment of the story I think.

Offline Tyger

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Re: Continuation to my 'testing out' piece
« Reply #4 on: July 21, 2006, 11:57:13 AM »
thanks for your comments matthew. i'll take them on board.
strangely though, i found that to be my favourite sentence!  ???
and i figured i'd indicated it was a regular thing by actually stating 'her regular vodka romper'  and adding 'as she called it' pretty much sealed the fact that she regularly did this.
anyways, i'll keep looking into it. thank you


I'm with you, lorraine. It is my favorite sentence too.

Tyger

Offline Tyger

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Re: Continuation to my 'testing out' piece
« Reply #5 on: July 21, 2006, 11:59:16 AM »
Oh, btw...I don't quite get the thing with his mother. Is she acting out of guilt?

Maybe I'm just dense...

Offline "lorraineofkeli"

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Re: Continuation to my 'testing out' piece
« Reply #6 on: July 21, 2006, 12:22:19 PM »
thanks for your comments, they're all really helping me to think further on this. 

Why did he decide to kill Jess, I don't really understand, maybe we're not meant to, who understand's serial killers?

You're quite right to question that, and I was thinking perhaps I could refer back to Jess's murder later on - establishing the events that unfolded that night.

Oh, btw...I don't quite get the thing with his mother. Is she acting out of guilt?

Maybe I'm just dense...
:)  I think the mother plays a big part in the overall persona of Darren.  She has instilled in him a sense of dirtiness and quite clearly has issues with her own state of cleanliness.. and since his mother is his example of women.. maybe he feels he's continuing her 'work' with the women he kills (or so he sees it)
So I imagine his mother has mental health issues and guilt plays a big part as well - perhaps the way Darren was conceived is a contributor to that?

I like that you find it eerie and dark - hopefully i can continue in that vein throughout - i hope it doesn't make too much of an uncomfortable read though  :-\[/b][/color]

Offline Milysmic

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Re: Continuation to my 'testing out' piece
« Reply #7 on: July 21, 2006, 05:03:13 PM »
 The ending of this made me feel very sad. Sorry, it's really good I feel because it got to my stomach, and to me that's the best kind of writing.
Milysmic

Offline Matthew

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Re: Continuation to my 'testing out' piece
« Reply #8 on: July 22, 2006, 04:48:40 AM »
Ah! You're all against me. ;) Just kidding.

I do like the sentence. But I don't think you need to say she's already 'romped' as she giggles her way out the door. Perhaps: "...with a last swig of her home stock vodka, she giggled her way out the door..."

I did promise more. Here it is:

At Jess's front door, Darren held his breath and knocked. She was the only one who ever answered so Darren felt at ease immediately.  She
appeared in a filthy denim skirt and an unusually gleaming white shirt.

I like this part. A lot. I like how you contrast the filthy lower body with the clean upper. It got me prepared for what was coming next.

Ten year-old Darren became fixated on a teenage girl living directly across the street from he and his mother.

"When he was ten years old, Darren..." might flow more smoothyl.

Jess was small and pretty, yet slow--so nobody gave a thought to her group of friends being as much as ten years her junior. Darren was fascinated by the way she moved, the look of her mousy hair blowing in the wind, the white open-toe sandals she wore allowing view of her red nail polish.  She spoke with a lisp; somehow making her even more special to the young tearaway.

I like how you describe her. This girl is different in everyway that matters to other children--which is why Darren likes her. My only suggestion is to make Darren her only friend. If he's a serial killer, this might be worth looking into.

His Aunt visited two weeks later only to find remnants of dead skin, fingernails and urine stained into the bath - a sight possible since his
mother's violent rantings frightened the boy into whizzing his pants.

I've said something close to this before, but it still holds true: I didn't think brilliant...I thought...God, the poor Aunt. This twisted kid.

Keep it up. I need to read more about this guy.

Offline Tyger

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Re: Continuation to my 'testing out' piece
« Reply #9 on: July 22, 2006, 10:33:14 AM »
"Ten year-old Darren became fixated on a teenage girl living directly across the street from he and his mother"

I missed this on the first going-over: It's "him", not "he"

the girl lives directly across the street from him...

Offline "lorraineofkeli"

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Re: Continuation to my 'testing out' piece
« Reply #10 on: July 22, 2006, 12:30:13 PM »
"Ten year-old Darren became fixated on a teenage girl living directly across the street from he and his mother"

I missed this on the first going-over: It's "him", not "he"

the girl lives directly across the street from him...

Thank you for clarifying that for me Tyger, I wasn't sure about that but now I know  :)

Matthew, I see why you suggest Jess as Darren's only friend. Psychopathic serial killers do tend to be loners and that was my first thought before writing.  This is why I started off with him being 'not unlike other children', - i was thinking perhaps make him appear regular at first.. On second thoughts though, maybe he should always remain a loner from the offset. I also agree with the new formation you have suggested:
       
     "When he was ten years old, Darren..."  It does flow better

Thank you again for all your comments. I'll see where I can take it
 :)

Offline University Girl

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Re: Continuation to my 'testing out' piece
« Reply #11 on: July 23, 2006, 02:50:21 PM »
This is a really good piece, I like that he's so young, that his mother has such influence on him and his strange and finally fatal relationship with Jess.  Are you planning on telling us more about the mother, why she is obsessed with cleanliness, is it a phobia of sorts?  Is there a father somewhere? 

Quote
At his home that night, he was destined only to remember her bloodshot eyes and her strangled cries.  To this day, he still kept her white sandals - his head was more than clear enough to secure them

This is my favourite line, creepy, likes to keep a trophy from his kills, is it always shoes or is that more personal because it was Jess?

I'm hoping there's more to come? ;D

Offline "lorraineofkeli"

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Re: Continuation to my 'testing out' piece
« Reply #12 on: July 23, 2006, 03:04:52 PM »
Thank you for your kind comments, University Girl  :)

I was thinking most likely that the mother has particular problems coming to terms with abuse she has suffered in her own past. It is possible that Darren was conceived in a more than horrific way which I could probably explain further along.  Perhaps he goes to visit his mother as an adult and she is so far gone mentally, that she divulges the torture she was exposed to as a youngster.. with more dark secrets to follow.  I want this section of the story to again leave the reader feeling somewhat disturbed (in a good way of course  ;) hopefully)

and yep, he keeps a trophy from each of his victims, not necessarily shoes. although I haven't thought much about his 'trophy' collection yet. It might be worth thinking about that actually

I will get more written soon hopefully. My problem though, is that I tend to write beginnings and bits of stories and then go on to another idea.. I never finish anything.  I'd really like to keep on with this though.  Fingers crossed!

Offline University Girl

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Re: Continuation to my 'testing out' piece
« Reply #13 on: July 23, 2006, 03:16:36 PM »
I also have a problem with finding where to go with a story once started, but I think you've got a really good one going here and once you've figured out all the nooks and cranny's I think it'll be great.  I'd definitely buy it if I saw it in a shop.  Good luck ;)

Offline Tyger

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Re: Continuation to my 'testing out' piece
« Reply #14 on: July 23, 2006, 03:17:27 PM »
I was thinking the mother might have suffered some severe abuse, which then explains her drunken promiscuity.
Those of us who have suffered abuse, always feel dirty, so her obsession with cleanliness is easy to understand.
A young boy who witnesses this, would be stronly affected by her behavior. I just didn't quite get the bit with the bathwater and the wizzing.