Author Topic: A bit of practice  (Read 1370 times)

Offline Zen

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
A bit of practice
« on: February 02, 2011, 12:30:30 AM »
Hi all,

Haven't written anything in a while and never really do first person. If you could have a quick look at this and see what you think.
Its not really anything i'm working on just something i wrote quickly as a practice and to get back into writing again. any feedback is most welcome.

Thanks guys

Zen
Knowledge speaks;Wisdom listens

Offline Zen

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
Re: A bit of practice
« Reply #1 on: February 02, 2011, 12:30:55 AM »
  Sometimes in life we have blinding moments of clarity, we know right away that something has changed; that nothing will ever be the same again. Other times however things are not so obvious. A thousand seemingly insignificant coincidences conspire to push us in one direction or another, and we drift on a stream of fate like a little paper boat.
And that is how it was for me, boring, uneventful; ordinary. I didnít know when I first met Eve that she would change my life the way she did, although the biblical connotations of her name should have give me some clue of what was to come. No, the day we met was so mundane and ordinary that I almost forget it. Itís everything that comes after where my story gets really interesting. Iíll tell you if youíd like, but I feel I have to warn you, there is no happy ending.
Knowledge speaks;Wisdom listens

Offline Skip454

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 171
  • The real me.
    • My personal home site, still under construction
Re: A bit of practice
« Reply #2 on: February 02, 2011, 07:21:38 AM »

From what you have here, in my opinion, I would definitely move the end to the start.

The ends tells what you are going to do. The beginning is a bunch of philosophical gobbley-gook that better clarifies the last part.

   I didnít know when I first met Eve that she would change my life the way she did, although the biblical connotations of her name should have give me some clue of what was to come. No, the day we met was so mundane and ordinary that I almost forget it. Itís everything that comes after where my story gets really interesting. Iíll tell you if youíd like, but I feel I have to warn you, there is no happy ending.
   Sometimes we have blinding moments of clarity, we know right away that something has changed; that nothing will ever be the same again. Other times things are not so obvious. A thousand seemingly insignificant coincidences conspire to push us in one direction or another, and we drift on a stream of fate like a little paper boat.

Also the last sentence contradicts itself. If your being pushed in a direction you can not be drifting like a little paper boat.

If asked (I wasn't) I would ALWAYS say lose the psychobabble unless it is a study of Freudian impacts on the human spirit and is required to fill either the character's or writer's persona.
Learn from others. Life is to short to make all the mistakes yourself.

Offline Zen

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
Re: A bit of practice
« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2011, 10:47:09 AM »
Thanks skip,

I think you're spot on with what you said :)

Have taken a break from writing for a while and if i'm honest I am struggling a bit to get back into the flow of things and write anything thats any good. I just cant seem to get back into the book I was writing. I guess it's just going to be a few weeks more of just writing little practice pieces like this and working from the feed back I get.

Many thanks

Zen
Knowledge speaks;Wisdom listens

Offline Amanda George

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4865
  • Currently editing all my manuscripts!
    • Stories 4 Children
Re: A bit of practice
« Reply #4 on: February 02, 2011, 11:34:21 AM »
Maybe don't even think about the book you are writing for a few weeks then come back to it, reading from the first word again and see if that helps?

Thanks skip,

I think you're spot on with what you said :)

Have taken a break from writing for a while and if i'm honest I am struggling a bit to get back into the flow of things and write anything thats any good. I just cant seem to get back into the book I was writing. I guess it's just going to be a few weeks more of just writing little practice pieces like this and working from the feed back I get.

Many thanks

Zen
There is no beginning or end. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present (unknown)

Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

Offline Cycami

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 12
Re: A bit of practice
« Reply #5 on: February 02, 2011, 11:51:07 AM »
To chime in here, I like your second paragraph, especially, "I feel I have to warn you, there is no happy ending."


Offline Zen

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
Re: A bit of practice
« Reply #6 on: February 02, 2011, 12:15:34 PM »
Thanks guys

Will take all this on board and write something else for a while.
Will go back to my book later when my heads in the right place.
Knowledge speaks;Wisdom listens