Author Topic: A poem  (Read 1495 times)

Offline fort street

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A poem
« on: January 24, 2011, 09:43:46 AM »

   I was going to delete this. Then I thought  no I`ll put it on here. It is actually the first poem I`ve ever written.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: A poem
« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2011, 09:54:08 AM »
8th
The first week of the year gone,
like a popped balloon,
like a run ice-cream,
gone in seconds,
In heartbeats.
A blip
Gone.

Is this it? Not sure if I downloaded correctly.

Anyway, based on this I think the use of similies [like comparisons] weakens it. Also why does L5 begin with a capital letter if it follow a comma?

There doesn't appear to be any emotion in this just a statement about how quickly time passes. Is that important to you? Why/why not? These are the sort of things you need to mention to engage our reader. You could just as easily say - My, doesn't time fly?

If you have an idea make sure it contains something the reader can relate to that is personal to you that will evoke a response, either yep, I've been there too [maybe not in exactly the same way, but I know where you're coming from] or, wow, I never knew that, it must be awful/amazing/whatever.

Just my opinion. Thanks for the read. :) :) :)

Offline fort street

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Re: A poem
« Reply #2 on: January 24, 2011, 10:42:14 AM »
 
 Thanks for the comments, they were intelligent and greatly appreciated. As I said  it  `s the first poem I`ve ever attempted. You`ve gave me plenty to think about. You`re right about the obsession with time going. I`m fifty  four and feel like it`s all downhill from e.t.c.

  I also wanted to post something just to se if I could do as  I had trouble s, trying to introduce my self, the first ime I tried It just would not let me put anything on.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: A poem
« Reply #3 on: January 24, 2011, 11:23:00 AM »
I'm 52 and it seems now that time flies for me especially now my youngest has started university.

You'll get the hang of the odd little buttons here [eventually]

Have another go and include those elements that would engage a reader or try something completely different. Enjoy your muse. ;) ;) ;)

Offline eric

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Re: A poem
« Reply #4 on: January 24, 2011, 11:51:07 AM »
I'm sixty and I'm ten times happier than I was at 54.  Life can change, life will change, if you get it to.

twisted wheel

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Re: A poem
« Reply #5 on: January 24, 2011, 11:56:21 AM »
i'm 42 but my teenage years were the both the worst and best days of my life.

as long as i can dance
the grim reaper can kiss my ...

mlambere

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Re: A poem
« Reply #6 on: January 24, 2011, 12:51:47 PM »
Fort 54 is still spring chicken territory, I am to live till I am 110 and I am not even halfway there. I think the key to getting older is to lose the inhibitions, if you have any and constantly dip ya wick into whatever pleasuredome tickles ya fancy. I love travel and even by the time i get to 110 I will still be looking for an adventure. Keep writing

Offline trev

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Re: A poem
« Reply #7 on: January 29, 2011, 10:45:30 AM »
It's interesting reading about peoples age and how they keep going even at the grand old age of sixty; you old fart. As I mentioned to gyppo; I had 7 children, 'that I'm owning up to'
5 grandchildren another on the way; and 2 great grand children. I won't say how old I am, not because of vanity or any of that crap. I shall wait until my lovely photo (Vanity indeed) appears on the system, if I live that long.
fort, I had and still am having problems getting into, onto, over and under this writers site, there is so much of it.
trev
I gained Experience from not reading the small print.