Author Topic: More Poetry!  (Read 4222 times)

Offline aelfwin

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More Poetry!
« on: January 24, 2006, 01:05:23 PM »
Hi all, As Lin suggested, lets get more poetry up for feedback, and reading enjoyment. I just did this one for a writers class I'm in. Initial feedback is good, but changes are in the wind. As usual, all feedback (Crits) are welcome. ::) Aelf


This Good Night

Sunlight’s fading, nighttime’s near,
Summer winds play in the trees,
Night frogs sing, and there’s a deer.

Forest sounds float through the night,
Magnolia scents drift on the breeze,
Lightning bugs are burning bright.

Possums out to hunt for food,
Raccoons scratch at pesky fleas,
Birdies warm their newborn brood.

Fox is hunter, so beware,
Run and hide, don’t cough or sneeze,
Death comes swift to those who err.

Coyote searches high and low,
His hunger to appease,
Lookout rabbit! don’t be slow.

Sunlight’s fading, nighttime’s near,
Lightning bugs are burning bright,
Breezes whisper, “Never fear”,
Dawn will follow this good night.


Offline chillies

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Re: More Poetry!
« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2006, 01:12:25 PM »
Very nice. I like that a lot. Is there a name for this type of poetry - the way the lines rhyme I mean?

chillies

Offline aelfwin

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Re: More Poetry!
« Reply #2 on: January 24, 2006, 01:25:50 PM »
Hi Chillies, thanks for the feedback. The format I used is called a Villanelle. My poem is very loosely based on it. It doesn't qualify as a true Villanelle, yet. The Villanell is one of the hardest poems to write. There are quite a few good sites that go into detail on writing poetry. One of them is www.netpoets.com. Another one is www.poetryexpress.org;D Aelf

Offline GlennQ

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Re: More Poetry!
« Reply #3 on: January 24, 2006, 01:59:05 PM »
Hi Aelf!

I liked the imagery a great deal.  But for me it would have been more rounded if all stanzas were four-lined, like the last.  Perhaps I am just not receptive to the style called 'Villanelle', but for me it lacked metre somewhat.  For example, for the last line of the first stanza you could have added something like "floats crickets' murmur o'er the leas".

As I say, I have no knowledge whatsoever of a villanelle, so I could of course be barking completely up the wrong tree...

Cheers,

Glenn

Offline aelfwin

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Re: More Poetry!
« Reply #4 on: January 24, 2006, 02:18:20 PM »
Glenn, Thanks for the feedback! It's not finished yet and, per your comment, I may even try a rewrite using a quatrain instead, It's so much fun to play around with.  :D Aelf.

BiancaMiller13

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Re: More Poetry!
« Reply #5 on: January 24, 2006, 10:59:23 PM »
Hey Aelf,
just peeking through, gosh i've been so busy.  But I had to stop and check on you guys.  I liked this piece, not a poetry fan mind you.  I liked enough to even read to children...hint hint... 
only one crit, you knew it was there  ;D
Magnolia scents on the breze...
Just trying to see magnolia scents...perhaps scents of magnolia on the breeze.  I didn't think it harmed the flow but I didn't know the metre.  Just a nit, smalll one at that.
 Please keep me abreast of any changes.  I have added my email address to my profile for this intermission of mine.  Good Luck, see you around.

Offline Symphony

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Re: More Poetry!
« Reply #6 on: January 25, 2006, 05:25:30 PM »
Hi there,

Loved the imagery in this - I could almost imagine myself there, in the woods ... super!

Very interesting to read the other comments - how differently people all read the same lines, eh? Just makes it bloomin' IMPOSSIBLE, doesn't it? How funny!

I had a line that bothered me, too - and it's a different one again (just to give you something else to think about  ;D)

Quote
Coyote searches high and low,
His hunger to appease,
Lookout rabbit! don’t be slow.


The second line in this stanza is the only one that doesn't scan the same way that all the rest of the poem does (at least, the way I'm reading it) - there's a syllable missing

I was thinking of something like 'His hunger tricky (or some other two syllable word here) to appease ...'

Love the rhyming form - must have been so difficult to write. I tried one for fun a couple of weeks ago that was similarly nigh on impossible - It's called Virelai. Do you know it? 5-syllable rhyming couplets, each followed by a 2-syllable line, usually 3 stanzas long - aabaabaab/bbcbbcbbc/ccaccacca

When you're bored, you might like to give it a go. I'm sure you'll have no problem after your success with this one!

Symphony

Offline aelfwin

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Re: More Poetry!
« Reply #7 on: January 25, 2006, 11:12:43 PM »
Good catch symphony. That line bothers me as well. I will be submitting this for pub. next week and there's a couple of things that aren't quite the way I want them yet. Well, thats what critiques and  rewrites are for. I'll look in on the Virelai. Sounds like something fun to play with.  ;D Aelf

Offline bttrfly972

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Re: More Poetry!
« Reply #8 on: January 26, 2006, 10:30:19 AM »
Aelf,

Hi, I love the imagery in this poem. 

Coyote searches high and low,
His hunger to appease,
Lookout rabbit! don’t be slow


I like these lines, since I feel like this poem is about survival...thanks I enjoyed this GOOD NIGHT

Victoria
~Dreams are visions of things to come~

Offline aelfwin

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Re: More Poetry!
« Reply #9 on: January 26, 2006, 08:16:09 PM »
Thanks Victoria, You would be surprised at how few readers catch on to that. I've had a lot of really great feedback and crits and will be sending out to pubs in a few days.  ;) Aelf

Offline amylake

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Re: More Poetry!
« Reply #10 on: January 28, 2006, 10:34:39 AM »
Foxy,

I love this.  Very clever.  Great imagery.  (That's what everyone has said!) Yes, I agree with Symphony - the one thing I would change is the meter on "his hunger to appease."

Amy

Offline amylake

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Re: More Poetry!
« Reply #11 on: January 28, 2006, 10:36:24 AM »
Sorry, Aelf.  I addressed my last post here to Foxy.

Amy

Offline aelfwin

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Re: More Poetry!
« Reply #12 on: January 28, 2006, 11:42:31 AM »
Thanks to Chilles, GlenQ, JC Paloma, Symphony, Victoria and Amy for the feedback. Based on your comments, I've finished my re-write. Here's what came of it.  ::)  Aelf

This Good Night
By
Aelfwin

Sunlight’s fading, nighttime’s near,
Summer winds play in the trees,
Night frogs sing, and there’s a deer.

Forest sounds drift through the night,
Flower scents float on the breeze,
Lightning bugs are burning bright.

Possums out to hunt for food,
Raccoons scratch at pesky fleas,
Birdies warm their newborn brood.

Fox is hunting, so beware,
Run and hide, don’t cough or sneeze,
Death comes swift to those who err.

Coyote searching high and low,
For food that’s caught with ease,
Lookout rabbit! Don’t be slow!

Sunlight’s fading, nighttime’s near,
Lightning bugs are burning bright,
Breezes whisper, “Never fear”,
Dawn will follow this good night.

Jayel

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Re: More Poetry!
« Reply #13 on: January 28, 2006, 03:02:38 PM »
This is quite lovely.  The words feed the mind's eye and create intense imagery.  If you threw in a porcupine trying to root out my garbage I would feel right at home. :D

Thank you for sharing your talent for poetic verse.