Author Topic: Fake baked - Part 2  (Read 1563 times)

Offline nigelw

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    • Nigel Williams
Fake baked - Part 2
« on: January 11, 2011, 02:47:47 PM »
This is the next part...hope you're still with me?
Nigel

PART 2

ACT 4
FADE IN:
INT. PUBLIC BAR OF THE COLLIERíS PUBLIC HOUSE - NIGHT
Bryn and Hywel are both wearing surgical collars and are sitting at a table with RHYS and SHARON. Music is playing on a jukebox and the bar is full.
Sharon is wearing an all white tracksuit.
A group of well-dressed city-type men are chatting by the bar. They are laughing and joking.
Bryn holds up his empty pint glass to Rhys.

BRYN
Go and get Ďem in then.

RHYS
What? Lost your legs in the accident too did you?

BRYN
Donít be bloody smart. Canít be seen doing the fetching and carrying can I? Iím a wounded man. Can never tell when those sneaky bastards from the insurance are spying on you.

RHYS
Itíll take Ďem a couple of days to read your claim.

BRYN
If you want your cut from my compoí youíd better get up off your arse and get the drinks in.

Rhys laughs and gathers the empty glasses.

RHYS
Same again, Shaí?

Sharon downs the remains of her pint and hands her glass to Rhys. Rhys walks off to the bar.

SHARON
So it obviously went well then? What did the doctor say?

BRYN
He was a bit of a wanker really. Wouldnít commit himself. But Iím sure he could see that I was at least a three on the Quebec.

HYWEL
Aye, and Bryn rang one of those no-win-no-fee solicitors and they reckoned we might be in for a tidy pile.

BRYN
(Whispering)
Shhhh! Keep your voice down. We donít want the whole bastard world to know our business, do we? And anywayís we donít want to tempt fate - you never know when something so unfortunate might happen again.

All three laugh.

SHARON
(Whispers)
What is this now - the third?

Bryn leans in closer to Sharon.

BRYN
Four actually, not counting the oneís from my younger days.

SHARON
Oh yeah, some bloody good Ďuns to include in your C.V. Especially the one when you decided to run a Nigerian email scam on all the staff in Ystrad Compí.

BRYN
Bit behind the times you are Rhys. Itís not called Ystrad anymore. Itís the Boyd Clack Comprehensive School now mate.

BRYN (CONTíD)
Would have worked too. Old Mister Murphy P.E. Fell for it hook line and sinker. Even wanted to meet up to discuss the transfer of the funds.

SHARON
Yeah. Would have been a good little number if youíd got a proper Nigerian to make the follow-up phone call. It was a dead give-away when decided to speak to him yourself. Your Ali G impression was famously bad and nothing like a bloody Nigerian.

BRYN
Okay, that one wasnít so hot.

SHARON
Gave us a good laugh though, watching Murphy run you around the rugby field for three weeks solid.

BRYN
Fittest Iíve ever been.

« Last Edit: January 12, 2011, 02:18:58 AM by nigelw »

Offline Maimi

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Re: Fake baked - Part 2
« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2011, 10:43:09 AM »
Hello Nigel,

Still here. ;)

Quote
INT. PUBLIC BAR OF THE COLLIERíS PUBLIC HOUSE - NIGHT

Music is playing on a jukebox and the bar is full.
Since the scene line give us the location, noting the bar is unnecessary. Perhaps cut the bar and mention the crowd? Music is playing on a jukebox. Chatter from the crowd drones on. Feel free to roll your eyes. This is off the top of the head. :)

Quote
A group of well-dressed city-type men are chatting by the bar. They are laughing and joking.
I think these sentences can be trimmed and merged. Are they chatting or laughing and joking?

I'm a little lost on the significance of these guys, but assume they come into play soon. OR If they are what's causing Bryn's paranoia, perhaps he could survey the room and spot them before he tells Rhys "Can never tell when those sneaky ..." Then they'd tie into the scene for me.

Also, I don't know if the term is used out your way, but 'well-dressed city-type men' brought to mind the shorter descriptive of city slickers.

Quote
BRYN
(Whispering)
Shhhh! Keep your voice down.

SHARON
(Whispers)
What is this now - the third?
Be consistent. Don't switch between whispering and whispers. Also, don't start a parenthetical with a capital letter, since they're limited to words and phrases.

I'm not sure you need the first parenthetical. The dialogue gives me the impression it's something Bryn would whisper.

Quote
Bryn leans in closer to Sharon.

BRYN
Four actually, not counting the oneís from my younger days.

SHARON
Oh yeah, some bloody good Ďuns to include in your C.V. Especially the one when you decided to run a Nigerian email scam on all the staff in Ystrad Compí.

BRYN
Bit behind the times you are Rhys. Itís not called Ystrad anymore. Itís the Boyd Clack Comprehensive School now mate.

BRYN (CONTíD)
Would have worked too. Old Mister Murphy P.E. Fell for it hook line and sinker. Even wanted to meet up to discuss the transfer of the funds.
When did Rhys return with their drinks? Since Bryn addresses Rhys, should Sharon's dialogue be Rhys?

Thanks for the read,
Maimi



« Last Edit: January 15, 2011, 10:59:36 AM by Maimi »

Offline nigelw

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Re: Fake baked - Part 2
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2011, 12:06:42 PM »
Thanks Maimi,
I really appreciate the comments. I'll take your suggestions. I think you're right. Thanks again,
Nigel