Author Topic: Fake Baked - part 4  (Read 2049 times)

Offline nigelw

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Fake Baked - part 4
« on: January 11, 2011, 02:53:09 PM »
PART 4 - I realise I'm pushing my luck, putting this amount up, but I won't supply the ending unless someone actually wants to read it. Hope you enjoyed it. please criticise in any way you wish. I realise that Bryn is a homophobe and a bigot but things do work out right in the end and he we do see a different side to him.
Ta,
Nigel

ACT 7
INT. BRYN’S BEDROOM - CLOSE-UP OF BRYN EATING GRAPES
INT. WIDE SHOT OF BRYN IN BED
Sharon, Rhys and Hywel are sitting around the bed. Hywel is dropping the grapes into Bryn’s mouth.
Bryn speaks between mouth-fulls of grape.

BRYN
If I ever see that big bastard again... I’ll do for him.

CUT TO:
INT. HYWEL LOOKING CONCERNED

HYWEL
Look now, Bryn. You need to chill-ax.

BRYN
Chill-ax? The only ax-ing I want to do right now is planting a big bloody steel one with a wooden handle right through the foreheads of little and bastard large.

HYWEL
(Looking confused)
Why exactly did the big guy brake two of you fingers, cut your lip and give you a black eye?

RHYS
You’re forgetting the two cracked ribs.

Bryn looks at them both in amazement.

BRYN
Are you two for real? Is this some sort of sick audition for The Comedians? The man’s a bloody psycho. Seems he took a bit of umbrage at our little accident with his daughter’s Mercedes.

HYWEL
Shit! Does that mean he’s coming for me too?

BRYN
Thanks for your selfless concern, Hywel my FRIEND.

BRYN (CONT’D)
Rest easy. I think he’s happy enough with just making a mess out of me. After all, he’d be making a sodding improvement on you.

SHARON
Charming!

RHYS
So where does this leave us?

BRYN
I don’t know about where it leaves you, but it leaves me in my bed looking like a really sick version of Steven Hawkins.

SHARON
Are there no depths you won’t trawl?

Bryn looks at Rhys and Hywel.

BRYN
What’s she on about?

HYWEL
I think she means you’re being politically incorrect about a particularly unfortunate genius.

BRYN
I sometimes wonder where you come from.

SHARON
So at least we won’t have to worry about them coming after us again. We can leave things well alone. Hywel can pay off the driving fines and we can live off the money we’ve stashed away for a rainy day.

Bryn looks sheepish.

SHARON (CONT’D)
What, Bryn?

BRYN
What, Sharon?

SHARON
You’ve got that 'I’ve done something incredibly stupid' look on your face again.

BRYN
What do you mean, again?

RHYS
Yeah, good point Sha’, he’s always got that look on his face.

Hywel and Rhys both laugh but Bryn misses the joke.

SHARON
Shut up, boys. I’m serious. What have you done, Bryn?

Bryn shifts uncomfortably in the bed.

SHARON (CONT’D)
Bryn, what have you done?

BRYN
(Apologetically)
Well, you know that money we put away for a rainy day?

SHARON
Oh, shit!

SHARON (CONT’D)
Go on, Bryn.

BRYN
Well it rained.

RHYS
What the hell do you mean, 'it rained'?

CUT TO:
CLOSE-UP OF BRYN’S FACE
Bryn has a pained expression.

BRYN
Remember that Euro-Millions jackpot a few weeks ago? The really big one?

SHARON
The hundred-odd million?

BRYN
That’s the one. Well I thought we’d give ourselves a better chance by buying a few more tickets. Made sense.

SHARON
Okay. So how many tickets are you talking about, Bryn?

BRYN
Quite a lot. No point otherwise.

SHARON
(Agitated)
How many is quite a lot, Bryn?

BRYN
Twenty-five grand’s worth.

Sharon, Rhys and Hywel are stunned into silence.

RHYS
Twenty-five grand? That’s everything we ‘ad left.

HYWEL
(Optimistically)
How much did we win, Bryn?

BRYN
Well that’s the good news. We had fourteen winning tickets.

SHARON
And what did they pay out?

BRYN
That’s not such good news.

SHARON
How much, Bryn?

BRYN
(Quietly)
Ninety-seven quid.

SHARON
(Sarcastically)
That was a bloody good investment, Bryn.

HYWEL
At least we’ve got ninety-seven quid. Might have lost it all.

BRYN
Not quite, Hywel. You see I panicked a bit and put the whole lot on the Saturday draw. We weren’t so lucky with that one. Only won a tenner.

SHARON
I can’t believe you’re real.

HYWEL
Come on now Sha’, it could have worked. We might have won the big-one. Wouldn’t be complaining then would we?

BRYN
Exactly. Thank you Hywel.

SHARON
I think you’re missing the point, Hywel bach. This bloody moron has just thrown away twenty-five grand of our money.

BRYN
You’ve got to speculate to accumulate.

SHARON
Except all we’ve accumulated is an overdraft.

HYWEL
Go easy on him, Sha’. He’s not well.

SHARON
Yeah. Not well in the bloody head.

BRYN
There’s no point in crying over spilt milk. There’s a silver-lining to all the clouds in the sky.

SHARON
I really fail to see one here, Bryn.

BRYN
Actually, there is one. You see, Little and Large offered me a deal. They went easy on the beating as long as I agreed to do a little job for them.

« Last Edit: January 12, 2011, 02:29:11 AM by nigelw »

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Fake Baked - part 4
« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2011, 03:32:15 PM »
Hi - just a reader, not a script/screenplay specialist.

Some SPaGs

mouthfull's>>>mouthfuls

brake>>>break

You’ve got that “I’ve done something incredibly stupid” look on your face again.
What the hell do you mean, “it rained”?
[when quoting someone else in dialogue, use only single quotation marks, not double speech marks]

Bryn takes [missing word/s?] finishes off his pint and belches loudly. He looks at each of the group

and see’s a line of >>>sees [no apostrophe]

Is that my conscious [conscience?] calling, or is it a prat stating the bleed’n obvious?

“guy-liner”>>>'guy-liner'

half-tidy one’s around>>>ones [no apostrophe]

and i don’t bother>>> I

I can imagine this unfortunate episode . . . humorous and good tension being developed over their adventure to London and whether they will be successful - or not. Interested in finding out what happens on their return.

Thanks for the read ;) ;) ;)

Offline nigelw

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Re: Fake Baked - part 4
« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2011, 03:37:07 PM »
Thanks for pointing out the errors. Very grateful. Nigel

Offline Maimi

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Re: Fake Baked - part 4
« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2011, 12:03:03 PM »
Hello Nigel,

I think you mentioned this being a 45 minute pilot. I'm not familiar with the differences in formatting between screenplays for television versus movies (movies is where I am at the moment). Keep that in mind when reading these comments. Hopefully I won't confuse you as much as I confuse myself. ;D

Quote
INT. BRYN’S BEDROOM - CLOSE-UP OF BRYN EATING GRAPES
Camera direction caught my attention in this scene line (INT. or EXT. LOCATION - TIME), and the lack of time. Then there is the action/instruction.

INT. BRYN’S BEDROOM - MORNING

Then, one might use a visual slug line to direct a viewer's attention to Hywel feeding Bryn in bed. (see below)

Quote
INT. WIDE SHOT OF BRYN IN BED
We know we're INT by the scene line.

Specify the character and/or object with a slug line. This is what will direct the reader's/director's attention, not camera directions.

INT. BRYN’S BEDROOM - MORNING

BRYN IN BED

Then move on to instruction and dialogue.

Remember: Since the master shot (INT. BRYN'S BEDROOM - MORNING) has been redefined by a slug line (BRYN IN BED), the view needs to be concluded/ended (RETURN TO SCENE) to go back to the master shot of his entire bedroom. If you don't ...

Quote
INT. BRYN’S BEDROOM - CLOSE-UP OF BRYN EATING GRAPES
INT. WIDE SHOT OF BRYN IN BED
Sharon, Rhys and Hywel are sitting around the bed. Hywel is dropping the grapes into Bryn’s mouth.
Since I'm focused on Bryn eating grapes in bed, how do I see others sitting around him?

Quote
BRYN
Thanks for your selfless concern, Hywel my FRIEND.

BRYN (CONT’D)
Rest easy. I think he’s happy enough with just making a mess out of me. After all, he’d be making a sodding improvement on you.
CON'T is used when a character's dialogue is broken by instruction; otherwise, use an ellipsis to indicate a pause, as though a character is thinking, hesitating, or changing course in thought.

BRYN
Thanks for your selfless concern, Hywel my FRIEND ... Rest easy. I think he’s happy enough with just making a mess out of me. After all, he’d be making a sodding improvement on you.

Thanks for the read,
Maimi
« Last Edit: January 17, 2011, 12:28:28 PM by Maimi »

Offline nigelw

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Re: Fake Baked - part 4
« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2011, 12:57:31 PM »
I am constantly amazed by the feedback and constructive criticism you, and others like you, are prepared to offer to people like myself. I can't find the words to express my gratitude (that's not a good sign for an aspiring writer). I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner but my day job required me to work late last night. Anyway, thank you so much. I'll go through the entire script with your suggestions in mind and make the appropriate corrections.
Once again, THANK YOU!
Nigel

Offline Maimi

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Re: Fake Baked - part 4
« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2011, 04:59:15 PM »
Ah, yes. How dare the real world intrude. ::)

We're in the same boat, Nigel. It's the give and take of ourselves and fellow members that make this forum stand out. Not to mention when critiques are received as intended. A help instead of an attack. ;)

As I said a few posts back, I, like you, am learning this thing called screenwriting. Reviewing forces me to study guides and scripts and recognize what I need to work on, then compare why one way is used to convey the imagery instead of another.

For instance, a script I read didn't use slug lines. They set scenes with scene lines, narrated instructions/action and then left the visual back and forth to the people shooting the script. I know slug lines are to be sparse, but when to use which technique is something I'm trying to get a handle on.

Then again, I might be over thinking it. That's when someone like yourself gets to slap my hand. :D

Maimi