Author Topic: unnamed  (Read 2128 times)

Offline L.Carmichael_67

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« on: January 10, 2011, 04:17:20 PM »
this script has been copywrited to L.Carmichael

[Scene: A Man. Kyle Langsden is driving down a highway, on his way to work on a cell phone]

Kyle: I know honey. But she's at that age now where these things happen.

[Off camera we hear police sirens]

Kyle: (sighs) Honey we can talk after work. Love you too Babe. Bye

(he hangs up the phone, and pulls off to the side of the road)

(A chubby officer with short black hair, glasses and a goatee come to the window)

Kyle: Good Morning. I am so sorry, it was Molly

Abe: No need to explain, I hear ya. I'll let you off with a warning, but if I catch ya again-

Kyle: (interrupts) You won't, I promise.

(Abe's walkie goes off)

Abe: (into the walkie) Officer Delage here, I'll be there soon.

Abe: It better not happen again, tell the Wife I say hi.

Kyle: Will do. SeeYou later.

« Last Edit: January 10, 2011, 06:41:54 PM by L.Carmichael_67 »

Offline 510bhan

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Re: unnamed
« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2011, 05:23:40 PM »
Does he pull over for the cops?

Offline Scripter

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Re: unnamed
« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2011, 11:14:33 AM »
Hallo Leina,
I hope this doesn't surprise you, I mean, me using your name (if it's spelt right;). I know you...that's why I could use your name.

Anyway, in an earlier post I wanted to know what genre the snippet belongs to because I'm not familiar with the format you've used. As you mention camera somewhere I presume it is a screenplay so I'll comment on general stuff that cuts through all genres.

Scene: Don't know if this is the right way to start writing a scene but for a screenplay you don't need to mention it. The slugline- EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY does it. From here you can choose to set the scene, then introduce characters because a highway is rather too wide. Supposing you were looking through a camera? Write what you'd see.

Off Camera- we hear...

A spec script describes only what is SEEN and only what happens in the script. We don't hear or see anything. Things happen, characters make things happen...

Police sirens are audible....whatever. You choose the right word to use at the right time but please.
avoid we see, we hear etc. It's hard at first I admit most of the scripts you see online have that but those are mostly final drafts and shooting scripts. So don't apply what you see there without question.

(he hangs up the phone... no need to use brackets. Action description paragraphs stand separate from dialogue lines so there's no way anyone can mistake one for the other or just use screenwriting software. No need to buy one before you're at that point you're sure you can sell a script.  Get a free one...celtx or screenforge...I got that I can send it to you if you are intrested (It's a word template) and plenty more...

A chubby police officer...

Whenever you introduce a character-to describe a chracter's physical appearance is OK but if he is to play a major role in the script then it's best to give a name and age-range. These are the most important: KYLE LANGSDEN (age/age range), description, occupation etc.

As for dialogue, too soon to say anything but idealistically, if a dialogue line doesn't move the story forward, reveal character or create tension then CUT it.

That's all for now.

Happy writing!

Offline Maimi

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Re: unnamed
« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2011, 01:28:11 PM »
Hello L.Carmichael_67,

Other than the feedback Scripter gave, the lack of punctuation caught my eye. A few periods are missing and a period is where a question mark should be.

[Scene: A Man. Kyle Langsden is driving down a highway, on his way to work on a cell phone]
I think a comma or rewording would clarify the image here. As is, it sounds as if Kyle is going to work on a cell phone, instead of being on a cell phone while driving to work.

Abe: It better not happen again, tell the Wife I say hi.
Say or said? I'm not sure if this is Abe's normal speech pattern or a typo.

Thanks for the read,
« Last Edit: January 12, 2011, 01:30:26 PM by Maimi »