Author Topic: My First And Nervous Post...  (Read 1377 times)

Offline Hana-chan

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My First And Nervous Post...
« on: July 09, 2006, 01:11:19 PM »
Hey ^^ I've never had my work critiqued before, but there's a first time for everything, isnt there? This is a personal piece I've been working on, and I'd like to sahre. Its called "Promise Me", and I'd welcome any suggestions for improvement. And do excuse my character's mentality - he's been ever so grumpy lately  ::)

Promise Me

A soft summer’s eve… So warm; so gentle. How can the dusk be so deceptive? There is but a whisper of a breeze, caressing the river like an old friend, its words of a tongue I cant understand, but the meaning is clear: Peace. Don’t ruin the peace. Its almost a warning, albeit one of such grace, and I find myself wavering, my resolve slipping with the soft sigh of a loosening obi. I cant do this… Can I really take this moonlit serenity and tear it apart with my own hands?

I’m such a bastard.

I’ve called her here, to this place of tranquil dew and the brush of angels’ wings… to destroy her. I know her. I know her heart - my mind’s eye can see quite clearly her reaction before her soft slippers have even approached my shadow shrouded form. There will be a beat; a heartbeat disguising the agony… and then she’ll fall. God, she’ll fall, and from those endless eyes shall flow tears, harsh and bitter, to her lips. They will part, a crimson blossom split by ragged betrayal, and then she will sigh…

Why?

 A child’s sigh; nothing more than a sweet caress of a sound, held in place for no more than a moment before it dies. This place… it reeks of death. I cant stand it. Everything all around me is fading, every hue and colour drained in an instant by the strength of my own vampiric vows. I fall to my knees already, lank ribbons of blood stained locks granting me a wraith of a curtain to hide my shame. I savage my lips with marble teeth; rip them, tear them… tear them apart. She will never kiss them again. She cant. I wont let her. The pain slices through my veins like a shard of tainted ecstasy. Agony. But its freedom. The crimson liquor cascades in a metallic trail of delicate defiance to my neck, creating a tattoo of haunted memoirs. I feel like I’ve been shot… God, why couldn’t I just be shot?

Easy. She wouldn’t let me.  Ironic, isn’t it? Her nightmare has become my craving; my lust. If that bullet had ripped my soul from the useless fragments I call bones, then perhaps she would have been spared this. Perhaps I would have been spared this. God, if you’re up there, I hate you. I hate you so much… loathe you… despise you… Do your worst - because I don’t. Need. Your. Fucking. Love. You took the one thing in this world I hold dear, and you ruined her. Like blood to satin bed sheets, her innocence flickered and died; a dove’s wings tainted obsidian before the eyes of a sadist.  You see that pool of blood? Its mine. And I’m laughing. I’m laughing like a man possessed, because its so simple. So easy. I ravage, and so I bleed. Why cant everything be so simple? But no, there has to be a god-damned conundrum.




Risca

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Re: My First And Nervous Post...
« Reply #1 on: July 11, 2006, 09:36:30 AM »
Dear Hana-chan,

This is really excellent. The imigary in this is really powerful and your style is unique and strong. To be totally honest I can't really give you any proper critism because I can't find fault with it! If the rest of this story is this good you should have no trouble publishing it.
How's that for your first critique?  Keep up the good work!

Risca xxx

Telcontar

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Re: My First And Nervous Post...
« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2006, 05:46:55 PM »
Hi Hana-chan,

'Why cant everything be so simple? But no, there has to be a god-damned conundrum.'

Good question! The conundrum here, to my mind, is this: It is often said of new writers that they tend to be overly descriptive, too much flowery description spoiling the flow of the story. But having read your piece, I can't see how it could possibly work so well without all of the description. To my mind, an excellent bit of writing, keep it up!

Dave.

Offline Jackster

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Re: My First And Nervous Post...
« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2006, 08:57:16 PM »
Hana-chan,

I didn't read the whole post, but I think it reads very well!  I like the imagery, description and setting, the mixing of short sentences with longer ones . . . the warning of something big to come - "I've called her here to destroy her . . ." 

Well written.

Jackster.

Offline Tyger

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Re: My First And Nervous Post...
« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2006, 11:44:41 PM »
What I love, absolutely ADORE, is the contrast. The sweetness of the opening paragraph, description of loveliness, I can see it...and then the punch in the guts: "I'm such a bastard"

Wow! What a powerful voice you have!

Tyger

Offline CarrieSheppard

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Re: My First And Nervous Post...
« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2006, 01:24:59 PM »
Really engaging writing Han - we want to know why, and the picture is so clear from your description.  Don't be afraid to put your work up for comment. 

Carrie

Offline Zuanne

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Re: My First And Nervous Post...
« Reply #6 on: July 13, 2006, 01:56:27 PM »
I like your style.  Reading words that don't always make sense, but never the less jump at you and stick to your senses.  That's good writing!  As for advice, I can't give you any, I'm a beginner myself!  Zuanne
"Out of the imagination of the heart, comes the issues of life"  Florence Scovel Shinn

Offline Ohshortestone

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Re: My First And Nervous Post...
« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2006, 11:33:24 AM »
 ;D awsome, nice contrasting, but if your looking to write a story it wont work, people get tired of that style because its not common and too many words, but my opinion, really good, nice work, you could right some awsome poetry

Offline Tyger

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Re: My First And Nervous Post...
« Reply #8 on: July 15, 2006, 01:05:27 PM »
I don't agree with Ohshort...
I think as an opening it's great. I would read it.
If it is a longer piece, I would expect some dialogue at some point, but you could easily intersperse it with your wonderful style.

Tyger

Offline Dave King

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Re: My First And Nervous Post...
« Reply #9 on: July 15, 2006, 01:52:07 PM »
Hey, Hana-chan,

    You don't have any thing to be nervous about, believe me.  You've created in only a few paragraphs a character on the horns of a moral dilemma and made us care about him.  It's intriguing, it's dramatic, and I want to read more.
     It is true that the language is very rich, almost to the point of being purple.  But your main character is in a moment of emotional anguish, and this kind of elevated language is appropriate.  I assume you won't try to sustain this kind of richness to novel length. 

     You're off to a flying start.  Keep going.


Take care,


Dave King
Co-author, Self-Editing for Fiction Writers
www.davekingedits.com
Dave King
Co-author, Self-Editing for Fiction Writers