I really enjoyed this, it reminds me of Raymond Feist who has been one of my favourite authors for many years. I feel really uncomfortable doing this as a complete and utter newbie, but can I make a few comments?
A gruff voice issued forth. “What ya want?”
could be "What d'ya want"? a voice growled“It's Tragear for Eagle, have something he may be interested in.”
change 'have' for 'got'A brief pause, then, “wait!” The spy-hole closed with a barely discernible click.
“Give me what it is, I'll get back to you.” The voice startled them after a silent wait lasting a few minutes.
could be 'silence issued from the spyhole. Several minutes passed as they silently waited for the voice to return "hand it over and I'll get back to you" the voice stated, startling them from their reverie'A soft chuckle from Tragear gave answer to the request. “I don't think so,” he added, by way of emphasis.
“Eagle said you would refuse,” the voice stated, disappointment clearly evident. You'd best come in.” The door opened, just enough to allow them to enter in single file. “Leave your weapons here.” The voice issued from under a light grey hood, nothing else was visible.
Tragear was clearly thinking, pondering the risks and benefits of doing as requested, or leaving. Reluctantly, he handed over his weapons, motioning for Jed to do the same. “The lad isn't armed,” he indicated Patience.
the first part feels a bit hard to follow - 'Traeger considered the command, it was too late to leave but giving up their weapons wouldn't have been his first choice'“I am a prisoner, you must let me go.” Patience surprised all of them with her demand.
“Not my business, Eagle will decide your fate. Follow me.”
The cloaked figure led them deeper into the building, the further in the better the condition of the surroundings. As though they have deliberately concealed themselves and their purpose, Patience surmised. Later she came to realise this was correct. They approached a door with two robed figures standing guard, both tensed at their approach, only relaxing slightly at a signal from their escort.
Patience took the opportunity to examine her surroundings and the two strangely clad guards. The room, whilst very large, was plainly decorated. Attractive yet unpolished wooden panelling covered
[all - not needed] the walls and roof; the floor was covered in a kind of matting, looked a little like some form of grass or straw
['the floor was covered in matting maybe made from grass or straw'], without the attendant dust. Situated at intervals around the room, were low tables or benches – probably tables, she thought. They are too wide to be seating, she speculated
['too wide to be seating, probably tables she thought'].Turning her attention to the guards, their stance, if not their garb, told an observant visitor their purpose. Like their escort they also wore the concealing cloaks, these were black, otherwise identical. They seem to encumber ones movement, she observed, but actually the complete opposite was the case. They allowed for a persons movements to be concealed, thus allowing an element of surprise against those able to read the art of combat. Some areas they were not at their best in, filthy alleys was one of them. Underneath the robes everyone wore tight-fitting clothes, light yet strong; invariably black.
['Guards were stationed at regular intervals as they walked and Patience gazed at them with interest. The cloaks they wore were black and used well to conceal the combat readiness of the person beneath to the casual observer'.] “Eagle will see you now.” Their escort motioned for her to go in first.
Patience, startled out of her examination, felt the full impact of her situation once again settling about her
.['Patience startled out of her examination, once again felt the full impact of her situation']She entered the lion's den.
At least that was how it appeared. Although she was inclined to change her mind. The man waiting, dressed in the same robe, white this time, rose smoothly from a cushion, upon which he had been siting. His hood was thrown back, revealing a pleasant face, with a hooked nose and piercing blue eyes.
“I can see why they call you Eagle,” she blurted out. “Oh, please forgive me.”
“Indeed,” was his seemingly unoffended response, stated before Patience could continue. His eyes widened slightly after studying her for a moment.
“Please leave,” he commanded, his tone left no room for argument. Tragear scowled at him, otherwise he left without comment.
Patience was nervous, however his voice, if not cultured, was at least educated. This gave her cause for hope, but also added to her fears.
“Oh my,” Amelia broke in.
I'm not sure whether any of my suggestions are useful but I would grateful if you would let me know.
Thanks for a good read.
