Author Topic: The Assassin and The Lord - flashback part TWO - please comment  (Read 2278 times)

Offline Writers Block

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Previous posts relating to same story if any wish to clarify anything:

First part of flashback - http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=3079.0
Discussion with friend - http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=2955.0
Dialogue - http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=2898.0
Fight Scene - http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=2818.0
Opening chapter - http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=2728.0

It's a Fantasy with a romantic twist.

The action takes place during chapter four, however it is a flashback to how Patience(heroine) became involved in the 'organisation' and subsequently an assassin.

I have avoided a prologue, as I feel it will be better where it is - presuming I can get it to work right.

Due to it's length I will have to post in two parts. Here is part two.

Previous post ended
Quote
...A knock from Tragear caused a concealed spy-hole open.
and continues:


A gruff voice issued forth.  “What ya want?”

“It's Tragear for Eagle, have something he may be interested in.”

A brief pause, then, “wait!”  The spy-hole closed with a barely discernible click.

“Give me what it is, I'll get back to you.”  The voice startled them after a silent wait lasting a few minutes.

A soft chuckle from Tragear gave answer to the request.  “I don't think so,” he added, by way of emphasis.

“Eagle said you would refuse,” the voice stated, disappointment clearly evident.  You'd best come in.”  The door opened, just enough to allow them to enter in single file.  “Leave your weapons here.”  The voice issued from under a light grey hood, nothing else was visible.

Tragear was clearly thinking, pondering the risks and benefits of doing as requested, or leaving.  Reluctantly, he handed over his weapons, motioning for Jed to do the same.  “The lad isn't armed,” he indicated Patience.

“I am a prisoner, you must let me go.”  Patience surprised all of them with her demand.

“Not my business, Eagle will decide your fate.  Follow me.”

The cloaked figure led them deeper into the building, the further in the better the condition of the surroundings.  As though they have deliberately concealed themselves and their purpose, Patience surmised.  Later she came to realise this was correct.  They approached a door with two robed figures standing guard, both tensed at their approach, only relaxing slightly at a signal from their escort.

Patience took the opportunity to examine her surroundings and the two strangely clad guards.  The room, whilst very large, was plainly decorated.  Attractive yet unpolished wooden panelling covered all the walls and roof; the floor was covered in a kind of matting, looked a little like some form of grass or straw, without the attendant dust.  Situated at intervals around the room, were low tables or benches – probably tables, she thought.  They are too wide to be seating, she speculated.

Turning her attention to the guards, their stance, if not their garb, told an observant visitor their purpose.  Like their escort they also wore the concealing cloaks, these were black, otherwise identical.  They seem to encumber ones movement, she observed, but actually the complete opposite was the case.  They allowed for a persons movements to be concealed, thus allowing an element of surprise against those able to read the art of combat.  Some areas they were not at their best in, filthy alleys was one of them.  Underneath the robes everyone wore tight-fitting clothes, light yet strong; invariably black.

“Eagle will see you now.”  Their escort motioned for her to go in first.

Patience, startled out of her examination, felt the full impact of her situation once again settling about her.

She entered the lion's den.

At least that was how it appeared.  Although she was inclined to change her mind.  The man waiting, dressed in the same robe, white this time, rose smoothly from a cushion, upon which he had been siting.  His hood was thrown back, revealing a pleasant face, with a hooked nose and piercing blue eyes.

“I can see why they call you Eagle,” she blurted out. “Oh, please forgive me.”

“Indeed,” was his seemingly unoffended response, stated before Patience could continue.  His eyes widened slightly after studying her for a moment.

“Please leave,” he commanded, his tone left no room for argument.  Tragear scowled at him, otherwise he left without comment.

Patience was nervous, however his voice, if not cultured, was at least educated.  This gave her cause for hope, but also added to her fears.


“Oh my,” Amelia broke in.


Thank you in advance for your comments, all contributions greatfully recieved.
I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Offline University Girl

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Re: The Assassin and The Lord - flashback part TWO - please comment
« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2006, 03:36:13 PM »
I really enjoyed this, it reminds me of Raymond Feist who has been one of my favourite authors for many years.  I feel really uncomfortable doing this as a complete and utter newbie, but can I make a few comments?



A gruff voice issued forth.  “What ya want?”
could be "What d'ya want"? a voice growled

“It's Tragear for Eagle, have something he may be interested in.”
change 'have' for 'got'

A brief pause, then, “wait!”  The spy-hole closed with a barely discernible click.

“Give me what it is, I'll get back to you.”  The voice startled them after a silent wait lasting a few minutes.
could be 'silence issued from the spyhole.  Several minutes passed as they silently waited for the voice to return "hand it over and I'll get back to you" the voice stated, startling them from their reverie'

A soft chuckle from Tragear gave answer to the request.  “I don't think so,” he added, by way of emphasis.

“Eagle said you would refuse,” the voice stated, disappointment clearly evident.  You'd best come in.”  The door opened, just enough to allow them to enter in single file.  “Leave your weapons here.”  The voice issued from under a light grey hood, nothing else was visible.

Tragear was clearly thinking, pondering the risks and benefits of doing as requested, or leaving.  Reluctantly, he handed over his weapons, motioning for Jed to do the same.  “The lad isn't armed,” he indicated Patience.
the first part feels a bit hard to follow - 'Traeger considered the command, it was too late to leave but giving up their weapons wouldn't have been his first choice'

“I am a prisoner, you must let me go.”  Patience surprised all of them with her demand.

“Not my business, Eagle will decide your fate.  Follow me.”

The cloaked figure led them deeper into the building, the further in the better the condition of the surroundings.  As though they have deliberately concealed themselves and their purpose, Patience surmised.  Later she came to realise this was correct.  They approached a door with two robed figures standing guard, both tensed at their approach, only relaxing slightly at a signal from their escort.

Patience took the opportunity to examine her surroundings and the two strangely clad guards.  The room, whilst very large, was plainly decorated.  Attractive yet unpolished wooden panelling covered [all - not needed] the walls and roof; the floor was covered in a kind of matting, looked a little like some form of grass or straw ['the floor was covered in matting maybe made from grass or straw'], without the attendant dust.  Situated at intervals around the room, were low tables or benches – probably tables, she thought.  They are too wide to be seating, she speculated ['too wide to be seating, probably tables she thought'].

Turning her attention to the guards, their stance, if not their garb, told an observant visitor their purpose.  Like their escort they also wore the concealing cloaks, these were black, otherwise identical.  They seem to encumber ones movement, she observed, but actually the complete opposite was the case.  They allowed for a persons movements to be concealed, thus allowing an element of surprise against those able to read the art of combat.  Some areas they were not at their best in, filthy alleys was one of them.  Underneath the robes everyone wore tight-fitting clothes, light yet strong; invariably black. ['Guards were stationed at regular intervals as they walked and Patience gazed at them with interest.  The cloaks they wore were black and used well to conceal the combat readiness of the person beneath to the casual observer'.]    

“Eagle will see you now.”  Their escort motioned for her to go in first.

Patience, startled out of her examination, felt the full impact of her situation once again settling about her.['Patience startled out of her examination, once again felt the full impact of her situation']
She entered the lion's den.

At least that was how it appeared.  Although she was inclined to change her mind.  The man waiting, dressed in the same robe, white this time, rose smoothly from a cushion, upon which he had been siting.  His hood was thrown back, revealing a pleasant face, with a hooked nose and piercing blue eyes.

“I can see why they call you Eagle,” she blurted out. “Oh, please forgive me.”

“Indeed,” was his seemingly unoffended response, stated before Patience could continue.  His eyes widened slightly after studying her for a moment.

“Please leave,” he commanded, his tone left no room for argument.  Tragear scowled at him, otherwise he left without comment.

Patience was nervous, however his voice, if not cultured, was at least educated.  This gave her cause for hope, but also added to her fears.


“Oh my,” Amelia broke in.


I'm not sure whether any of my suggestions are useful but I would grateful if you would let me know.

Thanks for a good read.   ;D
« Last Edit: July 13, 2006, 03:42:07 PM by University Girl »

Offline Writers Block

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Re: The Assassin and The Lord - flashback part TWO - please comment
« Reply #2 on: July 14, 2006, 02:02:08 AM »
Hi

Great comments, thank you. Some will definitely get serious consideration, of which I expect one or two to be taken on board.

It doesn't matter how new to the site you are, comments are always welcome.

Even people who don't consider themselves as experienced writers, are invariably experienced readers. ;)

I have also been a fan of Feist for many years, I suppose it's inevitable some of his style will have rubbed off.  I have only one thing to add, female fantasy fans are relatibely rare, are you married, engaged, got boyfriend? ;D


« Last Edit: July 14, 2006, 02:07:10 AM by Writers Block »
I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Offline Lightbulb

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Re: The Assassin and The Lord - flashback part TWO - please comment
« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2006, 08:51:07 AM »
“Eagle said you would refuse,” the voice stated, disappointment clearly evident.  "You'd best come in.”  The door opened, just enough to allow them to enter in single file.  “Leave your weapons here.”  The voice issued from under a light grey hood, nothing else was visible.

That was the only error I found in the whole thing. One thing I wondered though, I read the other part of this, and I was wondering, maybe I forgot, but what was she doing in the trash heap in the beginning of all this? and what led Tragear to find her there? I see that this is part of the story that she is telling her friend, but why does amelia break in at the end... is it something we don't know yet, or is she reacting to something we've already seen?

Anyway, as always, good read. University Girl... your suggestions were good. I have to say, WB is right, you can always use good readers to read your stuff, and you seem like a pretty good writer yourself by the suggestions you gave him.

Offline Writers Block

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Re: The Assassin and The Lord - flashback part TWO - please comment
« Reply #4 on: July 14, 2006, 08:57:46 AM »
thx lightbulb,

good point, it does seem a bit sudden, i need a slight leadup, or to 'smooth' it up.

I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Offline University Girl

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Re: The Assassin and The Lord - flashback part TWO - please comment
« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2006, 04:54:47 PM »
Hi WB

I'm glad my suggestions were helpful and I'm looking foward to reading more and if it's anything like Feist I'll buy it. 

Female fantasy fans are relatively rare?  Is that true?  I love Feist, I think Jimmy the Hand is one of my favourite characters of all time.  Have you ever read Mickey Zucker Reichert who wrote the Renshai books?  If not, I would definitely recommend.  I also love Horror (Stephen King and Dean Koontz) and have to say I really enjoy the Dan Brown Books for a great read.  Any recommendations for me?

And yes, for my sins, I am married.  We can't all be perfect you know!!  How about yourself?

Offline Writers Block

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Re: The Assassin and The Lord - flashback part TWO - please comment
« Reply #6 on: July 14, 2006, 05:18:09 PM »
Quote
And yes, for my sins, I am married.  We can't all be perfect you know!!  How about yourself?
- /sigh, the good ones all seem to be married.

Not me, split up with partner after delaying marriage three times.  Guess we finally took the hint, it was amicable at least. :-\

Quote
Mickey Zucker Reichert
- fairly sure I've read him, as most of my books are packed up since selling house, it is hard to be sure.

Can't stand SK, Dean Koontz is great though.  Yeh Dan Brown books are good, just wish people would remember they are fiction.

Lee Child - great thriller/crime types - his laters book, just published - The Hard Way, is an absolutely fabulous opening sentence and paragraph, it sums up what I keep telling peeps on this site.  He had a signing in Manchester on Wednesday, very entertaining and informative.

Elizabeth Haydon - fantasy, fairly new writer, very good.  Also an author that wrote The Black Magician trilogy, has a new novel out in paperback, can't remember her name, something like Trudy .... Cavanagh?  Terry Goodkind? (one of my favourites - some are a little disturbing in places)

I'd check out Pride & Prejudice and The Tenant of Wildfell Hall, great examples of grammar and construction, I also love the books.

I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Offline jordanofengland

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Re: The Assassin and The Lord - flashback part TWO - please comment
« Reply #7 on: July 14, 2006, 05:40:00 PM »
This is cool. Nice use of language and an intruiging story filled with suspense and guile. Yes, I said guile.
My one criticism, if you call it that, is that some of the early sentences are long, very long. And i get bored easily when I see long sentences.
It's probably down to being just 18 and the impatience of youth, but that's what i picked up on.


Jordy
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know 
what to add to it. - Sums up life quite nicely.

Offline University Girl

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Re: The Assassin and The Lord - flashback part TWO - please comment
« Reply #8 on: July 14, 2006, 05:50:08 PM »
Hey, i'm married, I never claimed to be intelligent!!! ;D

Can i ask a favour, can you tell me how to do that neat trick with the 'Quote' thingy???

Sorry to hear about your split.  At least it was amicable.  Do you have kids?  My mum has been married three times and not always intelligently, so I think there's alot to be said for not getting married.

Shame, SK, have you read 'IT' or 'The Stand'? if not I would recommed his book on writing.  He was an alcoholic and barely remembers writing some of his books, hope bursts eternal, perhaps I should just become an alcoholic!! :o  Totally agree re: Dan Brown.  Great books as long a everyone could enjoy them for being just that.

I'll pick up some Lee Child.  Trudi Caravan, great books but I've never been able to get on with Terry Goodkind.  Christopher Paolini (Eragon) really good and has just been made into a film due out in December.

Never read Pride and Prejudice, but hey every woman in the world just watched Colin Firth in the television adaptation!! ;D ;D  Promise to try.


Offline Writers Block

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Re: The Assassin and The Lord - flashback part TWO - please comment
« Reply #9 on: July 14, 2006, 06:19:16 PM »
Quote
Can i ask a favour, can you tell me how to do that neat trick with the 'Quote' thingy???

click on the button that says insert quote, or use the html tags, does the same.

No kids sadly, but at least they didn't have to go through the trauma of a split. Although I'm sure we would have tried harder if there had been kids.

Quote
Christopher Paolini (Eragon)
- seen the adverts, will check 'em out.

Think I read the Stand a long time back, can't remember what I thought.

Quote
Never read Pride and Prejudice, but hey every woman in the world just watched Colin Firth in the television adaptation!!
- was a good job.

I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.