Author Topic: A poem for my son  (Read 4902 times)

SuzieHarris

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A poem for my son
« on: January 24, 2006, 04:25:46 AM »
Hi guys,

I wanted to share with you a poem I wrote for my son. I lost him when he was only 11 weeks old (16 years ago now) but his memory lives on:

Robert:
I held you in my arms that morn,
When away from me you had been torn,
I held you close to say goodbye,
For pain inside I could not cry,
Your tiny hands, your tiny feet,
Your little heart that ceased to beat,
I laid you down upon your bed,
Tenderly caressed your little head,
Your face, your hair, were all the same,
I wished inside you'd breathe again,
They came with haste and took you away,
A piece of me died too that day,
I could not accept what God had done,
I love you, Robert, my first born son.


don't hold back, I want to hear your thoughts,

Suzie x


Offline Linda Aitchison

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Re: A poem for my son
« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2006, 04:58:32 AM »
It is beautiful. Made me cry. I think you should seek wider publication in a publication or website connected with a charity which I think is called The Child Bereavement Trust. God bless you for having the strength and courage to express yourself so touchingly. Other parents will cherish your words. :)

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Offline chillies

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Re: A poem for my son
« Reply #2 on: January 24, 2006, 05:02:52 AM »
Suzie, sometimes I am speechless. This is one such time.

I feel for you.

chillies

Offline peter.boxall

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Re: A poem for my son
« Reply #3 on: January 24, 2006, 08:50:52 AM »
Suzie,
I'm building quite a picture in my mind following our exchanges today...This is something quite special.
Peter

Offline Symphony

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Re: A poem for my son
« Reply #4 on: January 24, 2006, 09:33:06 AM »
Hi Suzie,

What a beautiful, beautiful epitaph, farewell and/or tribute for your little boy. Far too beautiful to 'play around with' but much too important to leave imperfect in any way. I think the rhythm you have chosen suits it wonderfully and I hesitate to touch it, but I'll point out the couple of lines which just missed that ideal scanning. Actually, they wouldn't matter at all except that the rest of the poem scans so well, which makes them stand out and interrupt the flow a little:

Quote
I held you in my arms that morn,
When away from me you had been torn,

These are the first two lines and the first line sets up the rhythm. This second one 'almost' scans, but you have to read the 'When away' rather quickly to 'fix it'. I wonder whether you'd contemplate something like:

I held you in my arms that morn,
As from this earth you had been torn ...

Or

When from my heart you had been torn ...

or something like that. Can you hear the difference in rhythm?
Quote
I laid you down upon your bed,
Tenderly caressed your little head,

This second line has the same problem - just one syllable too many. You could say 'And tenderly caressed your head' but the 'little' seems somehow quite important to me. I was thinking something like 'I laid you down upon your bed, Caressed and kissed your little head' ? What do you think?

Quote
They came with haste and took you away,
A piece of me died too that day,

In the first line, perhaps you could put a comma instead of 'and', so the syllable count is the same but no meaning is lost

Quote
I could not accept what God had done,
I love you, Robert, my first born son.

This last line is so, so important that the line preceding it needs to be just right, too. The meaning is clear but again there is one syllable too many for it to be 'perfect'! I've thought and thought and can't reword this in exactly the same way using 'accept' - if only there was a single-syllable word for this! The best I can suggest is something a little stronger and using a little poetic licence, e.g. 'What cruel deed my/this/our God has/had done! I love you, ...'

It's very sensitive and very beautiful so I hope you don't mind my commenting on something that is obviously very precious. Please feel free to ignore all these comments since I AM nitpicking, not being critical.

I hope I never have to put tears on paper, as you have,

Symphony

Offline GlennQ

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Re: A poem for my son
« Reply #5 on: January 24, 2006, 01:48:36 PM »
Suzie,

may I say firstly that I was staggered to the point of being shocked that you could be so strong as to reveal in such an expressive way, something so intensely personal and painful.  I am so amazed.  You have achieved something I never could have done - I'd have locked and chained that away inside forever.  I found it heart rending and I have to admit that it made me tearful.  Your fortitude is quite astounding, and I wish you every success, in whatever may be your aspirations;

Kind Regards,

Glenn

Offline aelfwin

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Re: A poem for my son
« Reply #6 on: January 24, 2006, 02:04:57 PM »
Hi Suzie, This is one of the reasons I read poetry. Every so often I come across one that touches something deep inside. I don't have kids and won't pretend to "know" how you feel, but you've certainly passed along a touch of what one must go through. :(  Needless to say, I liked it a lot. Aelf

Offline Symphony

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Re: A poem for my son
« Reply #7 on: January 25, 2006, 08:01:39 AM »
Yes - it certainly brought tears to my eyes, too. I can't imagine anyone not being touched - and Bravo to the author for being so brave as to share such deeply personal emotions,

Symphony


Offline Maria

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Re: A poem for my son
« Reply #8 on: January 25, 2006, 06:39:08 PM »
Hi Susie,

This poem for me meant so much too, I lost my son when he was small and this poem expressed your feelings at that time so well.  You are a trouper, it is truly wonderful I would love to read more.


Maria x
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Offline gub2000

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Re: A poem for my son
« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2006, 11:20:31 AM »

Thank you for sharing this with us. No parent should ever have to bury a child. I am sorry for your loss. This touched me. And I'm not really into poetry. My dad lent me a Robert Frost book once and I couldn't get past the first few pages.

You have captured the shock and sadness of your experience.

gub2000

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Offline Ebru

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Re: A poem for my son
« Reply #10 on: January 30, 2006, 07:51:45 AM »
Suzie, you sure made me wake up this Monday morning with a tear in my eye. Was touched by your poem

I think it takes great strength to express such feelings to everyone but bet it makes you feel that bit lighter in sharing it.......

God give strength to everyone else with the same experience.

Offline orchid15

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Re: A poem for my son
« Reply #11 on: February 02, 2006, 02:53:11 PM »
That is a beautiful and touching poem.   :D  I. think the ability to express deep emotions is what makes a writer enjoyable to read.  We're all looking for someone to touch us in our heart.  This poem does that very well.

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