Author Topic: my first script  (Read 3674 times)

Offline Argost

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 11
my first script
« on: December 19, 2010, 05:47:03 PM »
This is my first script for an animated TV series. It's about superheroes but I haven't thought of a name yet. Please give me constructive feedback.

                                                                      Episode 1 - Legacy Reborn

FADE IN:

EXT. Arizona Desert Ė Noon

A black Renault, Grand Scenic 1.9 speeds down an endless ocean of sand and stone. The camera tilts downwards, HOLDING on the car tire as it abruptly stops, revealing a 16 Factory Style Wheel.

The door opens and an agent steps out, as the camera is HOLDING on the car tire, you can only see the persons foot, which is wearing a long black sock and a well polished black shoe.

The camera tilts upwards and slightly zooms out revealing a slim built, 5í6 feet Caucasian AGENT NAAM (32, dark sunglasses, black briefcase, black suit, black tie, and white shirt).

The camera pans to the left, revealing a large distant military base. Agent Naam pulls of his sunglasses and places them in his trousers pocket. He then pulls out a phone and dials an unknown number.

                                                                                 Agent Naam

                                                                            Sir...weíve found him.

                                                                                Unknown Voice

                                                                            ...Then heís all yours.

Agent Naam smiles and puts the phone back in his pocket. He then takes back out his sunglasses.

TRANSITION: As he puts back on his sunglasses, the camera quickly zooms until the screen turns dark.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM Ė 12 minutes later

ELI FAITH (15, white t-shirt and, dark green combat trousers) sits at one side of metal table. His eyes are focused on the windows and the TWO TALL FIGURES behind it. He sees them talking but canít really make out whatís being said.

Then the door opens and Agent Naam walks in and sits opposite Eli. For a moment they stare at each other in silence, trying to figure each other out. Until Eli cracks, Agent Naam leans in as he sees the sadness in Eli.

He stands up and opens his briefcase while Eli stares at him in confusion. Agent Naam pulls out a Kraft paper folder; he slides it towards Eli who quickly opens it.

As Eli searches the folder he sees an article from a hospital. He quickly flickers through it until heís caught off-guard.

Angle on the article

...I canít really describe what happened, itís like he died... and then just woke up fine

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM Ė BACK TO THE SCENE

Eli looks up at Naam in total contemplation, their eyes locked in a battle of its own. Then Naam leans in closer.

                                                                               Agent Naam

                                                                           Tell me everything.
FADE OUT INTO THE OPENING

Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63305
  • So many jobs to do . . .
Re: my first script
« Reply #1 on: December 19, 2010, 08:42:57 PM »
Hi - I'm not a script person just a reader

persons foot>>>person's foot

Why is the agent so small [5'6"]? Is this relevant to later stuff?

He can't dial an 'unknown' number...do you mean he dials a number but it isn't revealed to camera or he dials a 'restricted' number..again not revealed on camera.


...I canít really describe what happened, itís like he died... and then just woke up fine         Is this what the camera focuses on in the file or is it dialogue or is it action????

Sounds interesting :) :) :)

twisted wheel

  • Guest
Re: my first script
« Reply #2 on: December 20, 2010, 12:28:37 AM »
hi argost,

the thing that stands out for me is the amount of camera directions you give. my advice would be to cut them out. your job as a scriptwriter is to paint a picture. any director will bring your images into realisation.


Offline Scripter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 75
Re: my first script
« Reply #3 on: December 20, 2010, 04:28:39 AM »
Your action descriptions are good, written in the active voice, something new writers often don't do. That's a great start but you give way too much detail. When you write a script, you duty isn't to spell out everything, provide only what is significant. Significant in the sense that every action drives the story forward, reveals character, creates tension etc.

I'll provide a more comprehensive crit. later.

Best,
Scripter.

Offline Maimi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3537
Re: my first script
« Reply #4 on: December 20, 2010, 09:37:59 PM »
Hello Argost,

Nice build of intrigue with little dialogue. ;)

The camera directions distracted me. It's my understanding those come into play later and aren't something for us to address. Having said that ...

You can influence camera direction by what you CAPS. For example:
The door opens and an agent steps out, as the camera is HOLDING on the car tire, you can only see the persons foot, which is wearing a long black sock and a well polished black shoe.
Please bear with me. :) Let's say there are no camera directions and the only CAP is POLISHED BLACK SHOE.

The significance of the shoe may not be addressed in this scene, but the CAPS indicate it is a significant item we'll see later on. CAPS is also a way to say, Hey, look at me, I'm important.

Later in the story Little Timmy hides under the bed while his father is clubbed on the head. All Timmy sees is the polished black shoe, the same shoe we saw in the first scene and the evidence that ends up convicting the criminal by the end of the show.

Besides closing the loop on the significance of the shoe, you've influenced camera directions without taking up precious space by spelling them out. Plus, the reader isn't distracted from the story. ;)

He stands up and opens his briefcase while Eli stares at him in confusion. Agent Naam pulls out a Kraft paper folder; he slides it towards Eli who quickly opens it.
While some specifics are important to the story, others can be omitted. The "Kraft" folder is one where I questioned the significance of knowing more than the fact it's a folder.

My apologies if I've confused you. I've been staring at the screen far too long and am calling it a night.

Thanks for the read,
Maimi

Offline irallan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1104
  • "G'day from WA"
Re: my first script
« Reply #5 on: December 21, 2010, 10:25:17 PM »
Hi Argost . In a short piece you have been able to pique my curiosity and a desire to know more..It would seem most have covered the main areas to look at..I too raise the significance of some of the detail in the settings..Ie: slim Caucasian and specific height..unless this is significant to the plot is uneccessary as who actually plays the role in a script is decided by the producers...

You have managed well I believe to set the scene and with the advice given this could be a very credible work..Will look forward to see how you develop this..

Regards..Iain
"You can take the boy out of the country...."

Offline softnwords

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 32
Re: my first script
« Reply #6 on: January 02, 2011, 08:37:28 AM »
I was just reading your script and having a cup of tea.It was nice and encouraging thoughts you shared here.I look for qulaity stuff like this from you in future.Best of luck

Offline ThePenIsMightier

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 16
Re: my first script
« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2011, 02:55:44 PM »
Is this aimed for children or adults? I assume children, but I ask cause I love a good anime. It's a good start either way, just curious. I would like to read more to get a better feel for it. 

Offline HPvD

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 780
    • HPs Happy Writing Blogspot
Re: my first script
« Reply #8 on: January 11, 2011, 05:40:58 AM »
Thanks for showing your script,

Some years ago I did a script writing course and I noticed you have several camera directions in your script. Something I did in my first script also, I do think that's a good sign, it shows that you are very visual. Only you better only do it when it's really, really, really essential for the story since you are the writer and a director might not like you to do his job.

All the Best,
To your Happy - Writing - Inspiration,
HP



To your Happy<i> - Writing -</i> Inspiration, http://hpshappywriting2.blogspot.com