Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 734571 times)

N.Mott

  • Guest
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #270 on: January 13, 2007, 06:58:19 PM »
Thanx for the comment.
Do you think "Umm" would be better than "forget"?
 :-\

I think it's more the 'mumbled' bit that jars, rather than the 'forget'.
I don't think you need to spill the beans, as it were, just have a little more emphasis on 'forget',
e.g.
"Who could forget our little babe," Martha murmured to the dairy chain, wilting on her lap.
« Last Edit: January 13, 2007, 07:01:38 PM by NaomiM »

Offline CarrieSheppard

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4271
  • All it took was a visit to AZ...
    • My blog pages
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #271 on: January 14, 2007, 09:45:27 AM »
spot on as ever Cathy.  I'll work on linking it better.

For classisits, its a rework of Jason and Medea.

With Jason as the baddie.

Carrie

Offline CarrieSheppard

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4271
  • All it took was a visit to AZ...
    • My blog pages
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #272 on: March 17, 2007, 06:36:29 PM »
I think this is a good thread, and once again I'd like some feedback on a story I've just started.  So - would a publisher want to read more??

I was by the frozen peas when Judith came up to me.

”Hello dear, how are you?”

She had that sympathetic look in her eyes, the slightly frightened look that people give you when they know you’ve been through bereavement and your answer could be anything from the platitudinal ‘Fine’ through to ‘Shit’ followed by bursting into tears.

I, of course, gave her the ‘fine’ response, as expected and now well rehearsed. I’d tried the ‘shit’ answer and not got very far.  Funny how people react differently to you once your husband has died.

“You don’t look it.” She said.  “You look like shit.”
I laughed – I actually laughed.  First time in months.
“Well, I feel like shit, but people don’t usually want to hear me say it.”
Judith smiled.  She wasn’t someone I knew well, the parent of another child at the same school as my son, but she was someone I had always liked in a distant sort of way.
“We should get the boys together, you should come round.”
Well, she’d been honest, so I would be too.
“But they don’t actually like each other.”
She raised her eyebrows, but wasn’t offended.

Offline Gyppo

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72247
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #273 on: March 17, 2007, 07:47:05 PM »
Carrie,

I like the basic premise.  A few thoughts.  As always it's your tale, to tell your way, but...


I was by the frozen peas when Judith came up to me.

Judith caught me by the frozen peas   (More immediate perhaps, and the recently bereaved do tend to live in their own tight little world, easily 'caught' by surprise.)

”Hello dear, how are you?”

She had that sympathetic look in her eyes, the slightly frightened look that people give you when they know you’ve been through bereavement and your answer could be anything from the platitudinal ‘Fine’ through to ‘Shit’ followed by bursting into tears.

Her eyes had the shifty frightened look I'd come to know so well recently.  The 'I want to help, but what the hell can I say?' look.  (Drop the lengthy explanation just for now. Show not tell?)

I, of course, gave her the ‘fine’ response, as expected and now well rehearsed. I’d tried the ‘shit’ answer and not got very far.  Funny how people react differently to you once your husband has died.

I took the easy option, sparing my still raw feelings, "Fine, Thanks."

“You don’t look it.” She said.  “You look like shit.”

I laughed – I actually laughed.  It seemed shockingly loud, surprisingly embarrasing.  And so damned wrong.[/color

“Well, I feel like shit, but people don’t usually want to hear me say it.”

"I feel like shit, but who wants to hear me say it?"

Judith smiled, relief in her eyes. I hardly knew her, just another parent at my son's school, but she somehow seemed more approachable than any of my old friends.

“We should get the boys together, you should come round.”
Well, she’d been honest, so I would be too.
“But they don’t actually like each other.”
She raised her eyebrows, but wasn’t offended.

(Would I be right in guessing Judith, and maybe her son, have been there themselves and know how it feels?  This is what I had in mind when thinking about the possible adjustments.)

Would I read more?  Probably.

Gyppo


My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline CarrieSheppard

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4271
  • All it took was a visit to AZ...
    • My blog pages
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #274 on: March 17, 2007, 08:07:18 PM »
Thanks Gyppo.

Cx

Offline charlie

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 419
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #275 on: March 18, 2007, 04:37:00 PM »
I think this is a good thread, and once again I'd like some feedback on a story I've just started. So - would a publisher want to read more??

I was by the frozen peas when Judith came up to me.

”Hello dear, how are you?”

She had that sympathetic look in her eyes, the slightly frightened look that people give you when they know you’ve been through bereavement and your answer could be anything from the platitudinal ‘Fine’ through to ‘Shit’ followed by bursting into tears.

I, of course, gave her the ‘fine’ response, as expected and now well rehearsed. I’d tried the ‘shit’ answer and not got very far. Funny how people react differently to you once your husband has died.

“You don’t look it.” She said. “You look like shit.”
I laughed – I actually laughed. First time in months.
“Well, I feel like shit, but people don’t usually want to hear me say it.”
Judith smiled. She wasn’t someone I knew well, the parent of another child at the same school as my son, but she was someone I had always liked in a distant sort of way.
“We should get the boys together, you should come round.”
Well, she’d been honest, so I would be too.
“But they don’t actually like each other.”
She raised her eyebrows, but wasn’t offended.


This say's gripping to me Carrie it has an unusual mix that sugests it is going to be funny and tragic all in one. I would read on.

Offline jeanette

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 451
    • jeanette's website
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #276 on: March 18, 2007, 06:00:48 PM »
Hi guys. Here comes my effort:  :)

The blast of snow was like an explosion. It lifted her like a feather in the wind. The shock of it took her by surprise, and Ria gasped, inhaling snow. It was carrying her sideways down the mountain. She couldn’t breathe.
Swim out of it!  She remembered, moving her arms in front of her, turning her body into the flow, trying to clear the snow from her face and keep upright. The avalanche carried on, ignorant of the presence of a smear of colour in the pure white. The avalanche slammed her hard into the rising edge of the ridge, raising her up like a powerful wave. She gasped at the impact, pushing out desperately with her left hand, searching for an airspace. Her hand was pushed back to rest just in front of her face, her right arm trapped at her side. She couldn’t reach the beacon in her pocket. Above and beyond, the snow rushed on into a slow and reluctant silence. And then, it’s tantrum over, the mountain grew quiet once more.
\"Abandoned\" is available from www.lulu.com/content/2072117<br /><br />\"the Dragon\'s Promise is available from<br />www.lulu.com/content/8075592<br />visit my website at www.jeanettemccarthy.co.uk

Offline Allie

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1049
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #277 on: March 19, 2007, 09:30:40 AM »
The Chief Steward sat with his crotchet work on his knee.  He was watching a movie.   The other officers and crew sat silently, but the Chief had seen the movie before and at the moment he remembered when the cat sprang out from behind the curtains, he was ready to pounce with his knitting!!

I thought the first line was brilliant.  :D I'm not sure about the last line, thought, what it means. I haven't read through all the 19 pages so I don't know if this has been explained before.  ??? 

Offline charlie

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 419
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #278 on: March 19, 2007, 09:52:00 AM »
Allie I think that one was Lin's example.
Hi guys. Here comes my effort: :)

The blast of snow was like an explosion. It lifted her like a feather in the wind. The shock of it took her by surprise, and Ria gasped, inhaling snow. It was carrying her sideways down the mountain. She couldn’t breathe.
Swim out of it! She remembered, moving her arms in front of her, turning her body into the flow, trying to clear the snow from her face and keep upright. The avalanche carried on, ignorant of the presence of a smear of colour in the pure white. The avalanche slammed her hard into the rising edge of the ridge, raising her up like a powerful wave. She gasped at the impact, pushing out desperately with her left hand, searching for an airspace. Her hand was pushed back to rest just in front of her face, her right arm trapped at her side. She couldn’t reach the beacon in her pocket. Above and beyond, the snow rushed on into a slow and reluctant silence. And then, it’s tantrum over, the mountain grew quiet once more.


The Idea was good and you would want to read on to find out What happens to her but I didn't really feel her panic.

Offline Allie

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1049
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #279 on: March 19, 2007, 10:08:34 AM »
Oh, I get you, Charlie. It wasn't meant to be commented on? Well, I'll go take a look at some of the others.  ;D

Offline charlie

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 419
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #280 on: March 19, 2007, 10:12:43 AM »
His face set and unsmiling showed no sign of nerves although his heart felt as though it was trying to thump it's way out of his rib cage. he wondered not for the first time wheather he was doing the right thing.

charlie. x

Offline charlie

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 419
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #281 on: March 19, 2007, 10:14:47 AM »
Check the dates at the top of the posts and bring yourself more up to date.

Charlie. x

Offline Allie

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1049
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #282 on: March 19, 2007, 10:18:57 AM »
Are we not allowed to comment on any of those further back? I just went back and found one I liked but when I posted it didn't come up on the board.

Lin

  • Guest
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #283 on: March 19, 2007, 12:23:20 PM »
I would make some changes see what you think  Does this sound better or not?  I hope this helps

It was ten years since Angelina Pallister lost her sister and she promised herself never to follow in her footsteps. Her mother had told her "Get a life, have some fun" Maybe she should listen to her family, put the past behind her and move on.

Determined to stay on the path of righteousness, tonight she failed to keep that promise. Semi -conscious and pale, she felt herself being transported in an ambulance, its blue light strobing in the night.   Where they were taking her, she was unsure, all she heard were the words "Concord and ER”. Ah! yes, the Concord hospital.   There were voices and shouting, music played from the rave at the club. Then her life turned black like  the red button on her mobile phone, when pressed, all communication ceased.


Well its not perfect but do you think it sounds more exciting?

Lin x
« Last Edit: March 19, 2007, 12:28:16 PM by Lin »

Offline angelscribe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 552
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #284 on: March 19, 2007, 12:25:13 PM »
Thanks Lin. Angelina didn't lose her sister, since she's introduced on the second page. Angelina's brought into the hospital from being date-raped, and in a coma. The rave wasn't at a club, but outside UNH.  I hope it's okay to post multiple first liners here.
My real name is Kristen. Please call me Kris.