Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 734896 times)

Nadine L

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #165 on: August 19, 2006, 08:14:57 PM »
Nelodra,

Yes, I can easily see this as a novel...one of my short stories turned into a trilogy, so be careful...

Nadine

Nelodra

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #166 on: August 20, 2006, 05:50:35 AM »
Nelorda,
    I'm sorry if I sounded rude by saying "playing." I don't remember exactly why I said that - probably because sometimes I do write paragraphs.poems, slices of description just for fun and with no goal in sight and usually toss them.
   Anyhow. I really hope I wasn't rude. Didn't mean to be. Aella

Don't worry, I didn't think you were rude, but I was just wondering. After all, it coul d have been something in my writing that made you feel so, and in that case, I'd like to know.

Nelodra

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #167 on: August 20, 2006, 05:51:57 AM »
Nelodra,

Yes, I can easily see this as a novel...one of my short stories turned into a trilogy, so be careful...

Nadine

O, dear!
I'm going to have to be really careful then, won't I.  :D

N.Mott

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #168 on: October 27, 2006, 03:27:38 PM »
Children's Fiction: Untitled.

Opening Paragraph:

Joshua liked to visit his grandfather’s house. It was tall and grey and solid-looking, extended down the centuries with new floors added on top of the old ones and ending in the servant’s quarters in the attic. At the very top it had a flat roof, just like a castle. The house was part of an old terrace situated halfway up a hill, in the old part of the city. Grandfather’s was the oldest and tallest of all the buildings, and whenever he visited, Joshua risked getting a crick in his neck, looking straight up to the ‘battlements’, keeping a wary eye out for archers or cauldrons of boiling hot oil. As his grandfather always said ‘you can never be too careful in this day and age’.


I know it's not in Lyn's rules, but could readers also review the blurb?, thanks.
Back cover blurb:

Joshua is a perfectly ordinary five year old, living with his mum in their flat in London and looking forward to his weekend visits to his dad and his dad’s new family. Every afternoon after school he accompanies his mother to his grandfather’s old house. While his mother prepares the old man dinner, Joshua sits at the old man’s knee listening to his tall tales of travel and adventure. A perfectly ordinary life, until the day when his grandfather loses something, and Joshua finds it....



- Naomi

JMJ

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #169 on: October 28, 2006, 12:02:57 AM »
NaomiM:

Children's Fiction: Untitled.

Opening Paragraph:

Joshua liked to visit his grandfather’s house. It was tall and grey and solid-looking, extended down the centuries with new floors added on top of the old ones and ending in the servant’s quarters in the attic. At the very top it had a flat roof, just like a castle. The house was part of an old terrace situated halfway up a hill, in the old part of the city. Grandfather’s was the oldest and tallest of all the buildings, and whenever he visited, Joshua risked getting a crick in his neck, looking straight up to the ‘battlements’, keeping a wary eye out for archers or cauldrons of boiling hot oil. As his grandfather always said ‘you can never be too careful in this day and age’.


I know it's not in Lyn's rules, but could readers also review the blurb?, thanks.
Back cover blurb:

Joshua is a perfectly ordinary five year old, living with his mum in their flat in London and looking forward to his weekend visits to his dad and his dad’s new family. Every afternoon after school he accompanies his mother to his grandfather’s old house. While his mother prepares the old man dinner, Joshua sits at the old man’s knee listening to his tall tales of travel and adventure. A perfectly ordinary life, until the day when his grandfather loses something, and Joshua finds it....

Naomi,  yes you're opening paragraphs worked for me except for the second sentence which seemed a bit too long.  It was fine until ... extended down the centuries ... then I had to re-read it a couple of times.  For me, this sentence didn't quite flow right. 

The blurb as a whole is good and would make me buy the book.  Perhaps it's worth having another look at the 3rd sentence.  Would 'old man's dinner' be better?  In addition, it might be better to replace the second 'old man' with something else - maybe 'on his grandfather's knee' or just 'his knee'. 


PaulW

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #170 on: October 28, 2006, 05:17:49 AM »
Children's Fiction: Untitled.

Opening Paragraph:

Joshua liked to visit his grandfather’s house. It was tall and grey and solid-looking, extended down the centuries with new floors added on top of the old ones and ending in the servant’s quarters in the attic. At the very top it had a flat roof, just like a castle. The house was part of an old terrace situated halfway up a hill, in the old part of the city. Grandfather’s was the oldest and tallest of all the buildings, and whenever he visited, Joshua risked getting a crick in his neck, looking straight up to the ‘battlements’, keeping a wary eye out for archers or cauldrons of boiling hot oil. As his grandfather always said ‘you can never be too careful in this day and age’.


First the blurb Naomi - it read fine but you need to change "the old man dinner" to old man's dinner. The first sentence is perhaps a little long but it reads well. If kids are to read it rather than adults I'd split it in two.

Ok, the opening para. It definitely grabbed my attention. I agree with JMJ that the second sentence isn't quite right. I'm not sure that it's too long, it just doesn't flow quite right. I think it's because of the 'extended down the centuries bit - as it's a bit ambiguous whether you mean it in an abstract way - i.e. it had been there through the centuries, or had physically been extended. (the latter half of the sentence resolves it but I'd already skilpped out of the sentence by then.) Perhaps just adding something to resolve that - like.

"It was tall and grey and solid-looking, and had been extended down the centuries with new floors added on top of the old ones and ending in the servant’s quarters in the attic."

The rest of the para reads really well - I love the way you capture Joshua's mind-set perfectly with the archers and cauldrons :)

N.Mott

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #171 on: October 28, 2006, 07:55:31 AM »
Thanks JMJ & Paul, great advice.
A couple of real D'oh! moments there, I can't count the number of times my eye has skipped over the 'old man' bits, and mea culpa, I'm always putting in long sentences.
Will make the changes you suggest,

- Naomi

Offline bobby digital

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #172 on: October 28, 2006, 11:17:25 AM »
Ante up in Harlem(working title)

OPening paragraph:

His head’s down his heart’s pounding. Struggling to keep his composure as bullets rip and crash into everything that surrounds him. With each ricochet he flinches, to guard his face from the blown out glass. And nervously cracks a faint smile as he wonders, just how, he’s landed himself in such a vicious predicament.
« Last Edit: October 28, 2006, 11:26:08 AM by bobby digital »
"Strive for what you believe in."

N.Mott

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #173 on: October 28, 2006, 11:50:00 AM »
His head’s down his heart’s pounding. Struggling to keep his composure as bullets rip and crash into everything that surrounds him. With each ricochet he flinches, to guard his face from the blown out glass. And nervously cracks a faint smile as he wonders, just how, he’s landed himself in such a vicious predicament.

I think it works. A couple of wayward commas, and you might consider deleting all the s's and the odd word here and there to tighten it up:

His head down, heart pounding, struggling to keep his composure, bullets rip into everything that surrounds him. With each ricochet he flinches to guard his face from the blown-out glass. Nervously cracking a faint smile, he wonders just how he managed to land himself in such a vicious predicament.



 
« Last Edit: October 28, 2006, 12:00:23 PM by NaomiM »

Offline bobby digital

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #174 on: October 28, 2006, 12:42:49 PM »
Hmm without sounding to arrogant I think it works better: His head's down. His heart’s pounding. Struggling... as opposed to His head down, heart pounding, struggling…
 
But I do value and respect your opinion Naomi
"Strive for what you believe in."

JMJ

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #175 on: October 28, 2006, 12:48:49 PM »
bobby digital.  I agree.  Your original version simply lacked punctuation but your revised edition is perfect.

JMJ

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #176 on: October 28, 2006, 12:51:19 PM »
Here's my first attempt:

When I was 13 half the girls in my class were fainting over at the least opportunity.  Or so it seemed at the time.  For most of them it was just a phase they were going through.  For me, it changed my life - past, present and future - forever. 


N.Mott

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #177 on: October 28, 2006, 07:28:08 PM »
No, you're right Boddy. It's just a matter of punctuation.


N.Mott

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #178 on: October 28, 2006, 07:57:17 PM »

When I was 13 half the girls in my class were fainting over at the least opportunity. Or so it seemed at the time. For most of them it was just a phase they were going through. For me, it changed my life - past, present and future - forever.



Only changes I'd make is deleting 'over' (an alliteration), and I think there is supposed to be a comma between '13' and 'half'.
Good hook with the 'changed my life....' I'd read on to find out why.

Offline scottslittlebrat

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #179 on: October 29, 2006, 05:23:55 PM »
Jennifer Jones sit's in her bedroom with a gallon of Vodka, her prescription of sleeping pills and some barbituates she wonder if it's enough to do the job, she has been doing this same routine for a year now. Wishing she has the nerve to take her own life, like she took life of her unborn child who was living and growing in her womb.

I interpreted this to mean she has already taken the life of her unborn child by having an abortion and now she's feeling guilty.....guilty enough to kill herself for doing it.  I only read the first response so maybe there are others who have interpreted it the same way I did.  I do think it's a good start and would get the reader's/publisher's attention.  It just needs some punctuation/grammar touching up.  "Jennifer Jones sits in her bedroom with a gallon of vodka, her prescription sleeping pills and some barbituates.  She wonders if it's enough to do the job.  She's been doing this same routine for a year now....wishing she had the nerve to take her own life.  After all, she took the life of her unborn child who was living and growing in her womb."

Now I guess I'll go back and see what everyone else said.  I have a feeling I'll be reading this thread all night because it's a long one  :) Maybe I'll even post something.