Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 756816 times)

Offline JB Webber

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 10
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #975 on: May 28, 2009, 02:25:11 PM »
Cheerie I have to say I loved your opening made me laugh and want to read more. Only question are the definitions for our benfit or are they also part of the story? IMO these aren't needed if they are part if the story.
JB

"I read part of it all the way through." - Samuel Goldwyn

Offline Cheerie

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 10
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #976 on: May 29, 2009, 02:33:15 AM »
Thanks JB Webber!
I only added the definitions to point out to American readers that it was in fact underwear meant by pants, not trousers. Maybe I'll take 'em out after all! Thanks for your critique!
Tony

Offline Swampfox one

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3306
  • Old Warriors don’t die; They play with cats
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #977 on: May 29, 2009, 07:36:52 AM »
Thanks JB Webber!
I only added the definitions to point out to American readers that it was in fact underwear meant by pants, not trousers. Maybe I'll take 'em out after all! Thanks for your critique!
Tony

It helped me for I saw pants in my mine's eye not panties the first time I read it. However if I read it right JB's point is a good one. Things should be written for the universal reader. Hey but I'm only one reader.

I did like your opening. ;)

Offline celtic_dancer

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 494
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #978 on: May 29, 2009, 01:40:04 PM »
Look at the above and see where your words could be more powerful.

The fear grew with each passing day, like a parasite curled in her belly...(suggestion hope it helps

thanks ma, very helpful!

Offline thatollie

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1443
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #979 on: May 29, 2009, 01:42:17 PM »
It helped me for I saw pants in my mine's eye not panties the first time I read it. However if I read it right JB's point is a good one. Things should be written for the universal reader. Hey but I'm only one reader.

I did like your opening. ;)
One reader is part of the universal reader.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline Titania

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 122
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #980 on: May 30, 2009, 04:19:31 AM »
    ‘Stop ringing me Richard!  It’s over !’ 
     Katy slammed the phone down and tried unsuccessfully  to concentrate on EastEnders.  ‘Their love lives are even more complicated than mine’, she thought, picking up a jar of marmalade from a heap of disparate objects under the coffee table and promising herself she would clear up the mess at the weekend.  She  went into the kitchen, removed a shepherd’s pie from the microwave and looked out of the window. 

I've now tried ten agents and been rejected each time.  One or two of them say that they receive about 300 manuscripts a week and only accept two a year!

Titania
Less is more

Offline Cypher

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 219
  • "We plan, God laughs" -- Yiddish proverb
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #981 on: May 30, 2009, 03:38:50 PM »
from University Girl:

'I had settled, I knew that.  I wasn't stupid, but where the hell was that punch in the chest, the melting of my limbs?.  All the films said that when you were least expecting it, he would appear and you wouldn't even know he would be the one for you, the one who's kiss would take your breathe away, would leave you begging for more.  Hell, I hate Hollywood!!'


I like this because it makes me wonder what her situation is and if she's living in Hollywood or simply hates it for perpetuating what she sees as a myth. Keep this up!

Cypher
"Sometimes, you just have to take the leap and build your wings on the way down." -- Kobi Yamada

Offline Titania

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 122
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #982 on: May 30, 2009, 05:48:37 PM »
That's a brilliant idea, Leah.  Thanks!

Titania
Less is more

Offline rixatrix

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 30
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #983 on: June 19, 2009, 12:43:34 AM »
So after reading some of this thread it got me thinking about my opening and I had alot of extra stuff in there, that had I seen it on a shelf and started reading I probably would have put it back. So this is my first attempt at rewriting the opening. I'll all for help b/c I'm not sure I'm fully happy with it so let me know what you think. Thanks.

    ~Bright light assaulted my sleeping eyes. Ugh. I had almost forgotten what I had to do today. I groaned and rolled over to get up from the bed. With a sigh, I ran a hand through my deep russet hair with worry, making it more disheveled than it already was and went to get dressed for my trip through the Great Forest.~
"I held you in my hand, Wanderer. And you were so beautiful."

Offline bailish

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3574
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #984 on: June 19, 2009, 02:01:56 AM »
    ~Bright light assaulted my sleeping eyes. Ugh. I had almost forgotten what I had to do today. I groaned and rolled over to get up from the bed. With a sigh, I ran a hand through my deep russet hair with worry, making it more disheveled than it already was and went to get dressed for my trip through the Great Forest.~

This one didn't grab me. The descriptions were good, but not a book starter.

The thought of someone having trouble getting up in the morning wouldn't motivate me to buy a book.

Offline rixatrix

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 30
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #985 on: June 19, 2009, 02:13:14 AM »
hmm yeah i'm not really happy with it. I guess I'll just keep working on it. Thanks~
"I held you in my hand, Wanderer. And you were so beautiful."

Offline Annmarie

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3526
  • Got my kinky boots on. Watch out!
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #986 on: June 19, 2009, 03:35:18 AM »
OK, here's one of mine. Just for the heck of it.  :D

The Ganze Megillah

Eri covered his head with his pillow and moaned. His throat felt like cracked parchment, his eyes burned, and his head throbbed and stung as if it had been smashed against a solid brick wall. The sour stench of vomit made him feel sick - for the umpteenth time since his companions dumped him on his bed last night. Perhaps it had not been such a good idea after all, to drink until he did not know the difference between Haman and Mordechai.


Uh....not for me, Leah. I think there's a general guideline not to mention vomit in the first paragraph of a story.  :) I  think other versions of excrement, secretions and bodily ickiness are also turn-offs so early.

I like the Yiddish, though.  :)
Work hard. Believe. Take a chance.

Offline bailish

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3574
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #987 on: June 19, 2009, 03:51:42 AM »
Uh....not for me, Leah. I think there's a general guideline not to mention vomit in the first paragraph of a story.  :) I  think other versions of excrement, secretions and bodily ickiness are also turn-offs so early.

I like the Yiddish, though.  :)

It didn't work for me either, but for a different reason. You're describing a common hangover, one that the protagonist has experienced many times before. I think the hook should make me want to find out why something is the way it is, not just be a colorful description.

Save this for a later point in the book.

Offline TheQuill

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 12
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #988 on: June 19, 2009, 06:22:51 AM »
Okay - I'd like to join in so here is my effort:-

A voice echoed in his mind that he could not ignore. It haunted him such that it tore the sleep from him. He sat bolt upright, shaking, his entire body dripping with sweat as the icy cold air around him nipped at his skin. He took long, deep, laboured breaths as he tried to collect his senses. It was at this moment that he noticed something peculiar in the room.

Thank you.

Offline misaditas

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 465
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #989 on: June 19, 2009, 06:49:53 AM »
A voice echoed in his mind that he could not ignore. It haunted him such that until it tore the sleep from him. He sat bolt upright, shaking, his entire body dripping with sweat as the icy cold air around him nipped at his skin. He took long, deep, laboured breaths as he tried to collect his senses. It was at this moment that he noticed something peculiar in the room.

Not bad. I think you ought to drop the last line though. Start a new paragraph and keep up the suspense.

HTH
"If you take the shackles off your imagination, you can go anywhere with science fiction." ~ Lani Tupu

misadventures in time and space