Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 734569 times)

Offline Hypothesis

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #945 on: May 25, 2009, 10:54:12 AM »
Hrm, this paragraph might or might not work better in past tense as some things seem a bit awkward to me. The clash of swords ring out, instead of rings for example and "they charge together" also seems a bit awkward. They charge at each other maybe?
"Waste not, want not. Work not, eat not. Laugh not, heal not. Write not, live not." ~Hypothesis

Lin

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #946 on: May 25, 2009, 11:20:20 AM »
At the moment it sounds to me more like the opening of a synopsis rather than the opening line of a book,

Personally I would have written it something like this:
Its not perfect but I think you'll get the idea.

A clash of swords shimmered in the morning light as two opponents circled each other.  Clouds of steam puffed from open mouths to the clang of metal and grunts of exertion. Charging once again they faced each other man to man,  sword to sword as friction crashed sparks of light into the dawn mist

The clash of swords rings out in the grey morning light. Two opponents circle each other, looking for an opening as small clouds of steam puff from their open mouths. After a moment they charge together again, to the clang of metal and grunts of exertion.


Which one do you like best?

Offline misaditas

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #947 on: May 25, 2009, 12:16:28 PM »
The second, since one of the opponents is actually a girl...

Does the present tense not work then?
*eyes the 16K of fiction she's going to have to edit if not*
*wibbles*
"If you take the shackles off your imagination, you can go anywhere with science fiction." ~ Lani Tupu

misadventures in time and space

Offline ma100

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #948 on: May 25, 2009, 12:30:06 PM »
I can only give a personal preference and I really can't get to grips with present tense in fiction. It never reads well
to me. But remember I am just one person, others like it. :)

Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #949 on: May 25, 2009, 01:33:23 PM »
The second, since one of the opponents is actually a girl...

Does the present tense not work then?
*eyes the 16K of fiction she's going to have to edit if not*
*wibbles*

To thy own (writers)self be true.

When I write often I start with first person and without realizing it switch to third person.  I also switch tenses without realizing it.  Then in rewrite (second draft) I use the person and tense that fits the story better.  But then what works for meÖÖ..

Lin

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #950 on: May 25, 2009, 02:42:37 PM »
Ah well in that case maybe we should know that one is a woman. It all sounds very masculine behaviour.
I dont mind the present tense but sometimes I find it a bit full on in a drama sense.  Past tense is fine to use, but its up to you really as its your story.  You know what is coming next - we don't!

Li x
« Last Edit: May 25, 2009, 02:47:21 PM by Orangutansaver »

Offline chesterlily88

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #951 on: May 25, 2009, 03:06:28 PM »
Ah well in that case maybe we should know that one is a woman. It all sounds very masculine behaviour.

I totally agree with this--knowing that one of the fighters is a girl could be a good pull for readers, especially female ones.  ;)

Anyway, here's my entry:

Victor stood in the deserted hallway, his empty, blue eyes darting back and forth across the floor.  The golden doors next to him creaked open and a servant leaned his head out to address him.

I'm sure it probably needs a lot of work.
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Nights in the Gardens of the King Ch 1 part 1 & 2, Ch 2
poetry--Fire in the Sky, In the Words of Mary Jane, Land Where the Trees Won't Grow

Offline misaditas

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #952 on: May 25, 2009, 03:39:09 PM »
Ah well in that case maybe we should know that one is a woman. It all sounds very masculine behaviour.

That's the point - the reveal comes third paragraph.

Having said that, it was originally in the first line, so maybe I should move it back.
"If you take the shackles off your imagination, you can go anywhere with science fiction." ~ Lani Tupu

misadventures in time and space

Offline Hypothesis

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #953 on: May 25, 2009, 09:53:14 PM »
I totally agree with this--knowing that one of the fighters is a girl could be a good pull for readers, especially female ones.  ;)

Anyway, here's my entry:

Victor stood in the deserted hallway, his empty, blue eyes darting back and forth across the floor.  The golden doors next to him creaked open and a servant leaned his head out to address him.

I'm sure it probably needs a lot of work.

At the moment, it doesn't have any tension. For all I know, it could be a run in the mill visit and Victor is just a shifty person, or it could be something life changing. Secondly, I don't know Victor aside from the colour of his eyes. Why should I care about him? There doesn't seem to be much of a hook, but that's only my opinion. I'm way too picky >.<

Here is mine for a dark fantasy piece:

Idiot was her alarm clock. She could always buy a conventional clock, with its incesstant beeping but there was something about the dull thud of her pet flying into something that was adorable. The beautifully sleek bat was an unusual pet, but she couldn't resist. Vampire bat? Oh, the irony.
« Last Edit: May 25, 2009, 10:04:30 PM by Hypothesis »
"Waste not, want not. Work not, eat not. Laugh not, heal not. Write not, live not." ~Hypothesis

Offline grammieof5

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #954 on: May 25, 2009, 10:01:57 PM »
i would think it would be a good idea for a real newbie to do this also. Sign me up too.Please.

Offline grammieof5

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #955 on: May 25, 2009, 10:09:06 PM »
Dear Orangatansaver, I liked the first one even if it is gender specific. I feel it still works in today nonpersonalize gender reading . man to man Can still mean like person to person not necessarily gender.

Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #956 on: May 26, 2009, 09:13:42 AM »
I'm kicking around in the fantasy genre at the mo. This is my opening paragraph:

The clash of swords rings out in the grey morning light. Two opponents circle each other, looking for an opening as small clouds of steam puff from their open mouths. After a moment they charge together again, to the clang of metal and grunts of exertion.

The sound that only crashing swords makeó that ringing, you know it, filled the grey cold morning air.  Two warriors circled searching the otherís eyes as their breath seem to hang in mid air.  One smaller than the other.  Suddenly they lunged at each other metal clanging, brute force on brute force both equally matched.
This is the way I would write it.  Writing is such a personal thing to me.  Do you write for yourself or others?  I write for myself and hope others as they read see what I saw when I wrote the work.  When that happens well thatís what itís all about to me.
« Last Edit: May 26, 2009, 09:16:13 AM by JHMull »

Lin

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #957 on: May 26, 2009, 11:17:42 AM »


Yes something like this is far more eye catching - don't use AIR twice in two paras though.  But I understand you are trying to use this as a broad example of bringing out the best through sounds. A good idea for our contributor


The sound that only crashing swords makeó that ringing, you know it, filled the grey cold morning air.  Two warriors circled searching the otherís eyes as their breath seem to hang in mid air.  One smaller than the other.  Suddenly they lunged at each other metal clanging, brute force on brute force both equally matched.


Offline misaditas

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #958 on: May 26, 2009, 11:26:03 AM »
No offense, but I don't like that style - it's too modern, and this is a fanasty novel.
"If you take the shackles off your imagination, you can go anywhere with science fiction." ~ Lani Tupu

misadventures in time and space

Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #959 on: May 26, 2009, 11:31:03 AM »
No offense, but I don't like that style - it's too modern, and this is a fanasty novel.

That's the idea. We each have our own style. Mine is more modern than yours.  I look forward to reading more of your work to learn how to write in a style of long ago. 8)