Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 745270 times)

Offline hazvy

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #930 on: April 24, 2009, 07:41:51 AM »
Thatollie- thanx, I get what you mean, am trying to re-write now, will post the revised piece soon. many thanx!
though I might be doing other kinds of jobs it's just to pay my bills while I launch my real dream career; Writer

Offline Trulyscrumptious

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #931 on: April 24, 2009, 11:31:26 AM »
Like to hear the comments on this:

"Shaarierra fell backward onto the freezing snow as the burning pain in her head blinded her."

I stumble on the first word here.  I guess that because it is a completely unfamilliar name (to me) that I'm just looking at it and thinking, "How on earth do you pronounce that?" and the rest of the sentence seems to be lost as a result. 

That said, the rest of the sentence does leave us wondering what is going on.  I think I'd leave out the freezing, personally, as it's kind of obvious.  That said, if you did want to tell us that the snow was anything other than 'normal' snow you could tell us that it was 'powder snow' or 'melting snow' or any other variant.

Offline ByronArthurClark

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #932 on: April 24, 2009, 12:07:10 PM »
Thanks, the snow tip is a good one. The slip-up is probably because I come from a hot country where we only see snow once in ablue moon!  :) I would never say "hot sand" , i suppose.
Byron Clark. Please feel free to e-mail me, anytime! byronarthurclark@gmail.com

Offline Trulyscrumptious

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #933 on: April 24, 2009, 01:42:29 PM »
Actually, its funny you should say that, ByronArthurClark.  Maybe you are right to stick with the 'freezing snow' if you are writing for an international audience.  It might be obvious to me, but where I come from 'hot sand' is far from obvious and would need to be spelled out.  We do have hot sand occasionally, but more often than not, cold wet sand.  Just goes to show, one cannot assume!  I think we've learned something interesting here!
« Last Edit: April 24, 2009, 02:07:04 PM by Trulyscrumptious »

Offline iamthefatstig

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #934 on: April 25, 2009, 04:14:47 AM »
Ok, its time to throw my hat in! Found the forum today so hello to everyone too!

The early morning mist covered the landscape like a never ending silk blanket. Its ghostly presence suffocating the beautiful landscape beneath it and replacing it with one of its own, perhaps more beautiful.
Sometimes I feel like the fluffy chick of hope, breaking free from the eggshell of life.......Only to fall headlong into the frying pan of doom!

Offline nswperson

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #935 on: April 25, 2009, 09:07:04 AM »
Hi

I really like the first sentence, but became lost trying to read and comprehend the second. It might be that I could envision the silk blanket, and the rest would not fit with it.

Maybe change suffocating with suffocated and replacing with replaced.  Hope this has been of some help.

Life is wonderful

Offline nswperson

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #936 on: April 25, 2009, 09:08:53 AM »
What do you think?

He threw the cup into the fireplace and watched as the flames licked the sides, burning brighter because of the wine that had remained in the bottom. The cup was really a pewter goblet, studded with three small rubies in the shape of an isosceles triangle. It was part of a set passed down from generation to generation, and now belonged to him. In his rage, he had unthinkingly just tossed it. He poked at it with the fireside poker and tried to retrieve it from the glowing embers.
Life is wonderful

Offline iamthefatstig

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #937 on: April 25, 2009, 09:42:57 AM »
Thanks NSW your suggestions make perfect sense and my opening lines have now been altered.  And now on to yours:

I would have visioned it better if you had originaly put goblet instead of cup. At first I visualised a china cup being tossed until you mentioned what the actual object was.

Maybe introduce a pang of guilt before he retrieves the goblet instead of its history and then him trying to recover it.

Now I want to know why he did it! lol
« Last Edit: April 25, 2009, 09:47:16 AM by iamthefatstig »
Sometimes I feel like the fluffy chick of hope, breaking free from the eggshell of life.......Only to fall headlong into the frying pan of doom!

Offline ma100

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #938 on: April 25, 2009, 09:58:55 AM »
Hi NSW


At the moment itís a bit telly and if the cup was a pewter goblet why say cup? Just a suggestion. If you can show his rage and then regret it would really work well I feel. Good attempt.

He threw the pewter goblet into the fireplace. Flames licked the sides and burnt the wine residue in the cup. 


Offline ma100

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #939 on: April 25, 2009, 10:01:14 AM »
Ok, its time to throw my hat in! Found the forum today so hello to everyone too!

The early morning mist covered the landscape like a never ending silk blanket. Its ghostly presence suffocating the beautiful landscape beneath it and replacing it with one of its own, perhaps more beautiful.

I agree with NSW Jim. Soooooooooo Whats next? :)

Offline iamthefatstig

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #940 on: April 25, 2009, 10:02:54 AM »
I have posted the first few paragraphs into the appropriate pigeon hole! ;D
Sometimes I feel like the fluffy chick of hope, breaking free from the eggshell of life.......Only to fall headlong into the frying pan of doom!

Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #941 on: April 25, 2009, 10:03:49 AM »
Hi NSW,
I don't think wine would do that. 80 proof rum would.

Offline ma100

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #942 on: April 25, 2009, 10:04:45 AM »
You keep your flippin' hands off my rum JH. :o ;D

Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #943 on: April 25, 2009, 10:08:40 AM »
You keep your flippin' hands off my rum JH. :o ;D

It does keep the home fires burning. 8)

Use any rum but Ma's ;D

Offline misaditas

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #944 on: May 25, 2009, 10:19:37 AM »
I'm kicking around in the fantasy genre at the mo. This is my opening paragraph:

The clash of swords rings out in the grey morning light. Two opponents circle each other, looking for an opening as small clouds of steam puff from their open mouths. After a moment they charge together again, to the clang of metal and grunts of exertion.
"If you take the shackles off your imagination, you can go anywhere with science fiction." ~ Lani Tupu

misadventures in time and space