Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 734897 times)

Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #915 on: April 17, 2009, 03:33:10 PM »
I do get what you mean Truly. I will have a little think on that. I wanted to get the feeling of still toast inches from an open mouth.


Sorry Foxy :-[ :-[ :-[ ;D


Way to go JH. ;D

Not bad for a OHWM aye legs? ;)

Offline zincala

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #916 on: April 18, 2009, 09:49:46 AM »
Ma,

The voice is 3rd person, present.
Welcoming your input!

Zinc.

Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #917 on: April 22, 2009, 11:32:24 AM »
I was only answering the door, then I awoke hours later bound, gagged and blindfolded.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #918 on: April 22, 2009, 11:42:10 AM »
I was only answering the door, then I awoke hours later bound, gagged and blindfolded.

I like this, there are so many ways you can go from here. The things you can do with it.

Who opened the door--a man, boy; a woman, girl; old or young.

A robbery or something else.

It would call me to read more.
Well done!




Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #919 on: April 22, 2009, 11:43:42 AM »
heh heh heh, shame is I've posted some wicked awesome first lines here and never taken them far.
But I'm very happy with the first 48 words.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #920 on: April 22, 2009, 11:49:24 AM »
heh heh heh, shame is I've posted some wicked awesome first lines here and never taken them far.
But I'm very happy with the first 48 words.

I know you want me to say but that is only 14!

Who opens the door.

Post the hole 48 ;D

Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #921 on: April 22, 2009, 11:54:40 AM »
I don't know who opens the door, and I wouldn't spoil it if I did.
But I have one idea, but it might not be the idea.

Fine, I'll post the whole 48.

I was only answering the door, then I awoke hours later bound, gagged and blindfolded. I flopped about what seemed, by the feel, to be the marble floor of the entrance hall. Gloved hands undid the blindfold and it fell in front of me, the masterís favourite tie.
« Last Edit: April 22, 2009, 11:56:30 AM by Schrodinger's Chopstick »
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #922 on: April 22, 2009, 01:04:21 PM »
Tis not a rape story Mr Mull, a mere robbery, and the blindfolded character is an elderly butler, the other is a young man. No sensuality there.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #923 on: April 22, 2009, 01:58:25 PM »
No worries mate.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline hazvy

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #924 on: April 23, 2009, 01:35:42 PM »
hie everyone, here is the first few words from my novel [which i'm still writing];

The hundred metres gap which once separated him from it began to close rapidly as it moved towards him. Its mouth was wide open and seemed ready to devour him. At the sight of its extra-ordinary long and shining tooth he trembled with fear.
though I might be doing other kinds of jobs it's just to pay my bills while I launch my real dream career; Writer

jacquelyn_saints

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #925 on: April 23, 2009, 03:03:00 PM »
Here's mine:

"Night could not shroud the limousine, parked at the curb on 7th Avenue."

Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #926 on: April 23, 2009, 09:20:07 PM »
hie everyone, here is the first few words from my novel [which i'm still writing];

The hundred metres gap which once separated him from it began to close rapidly as it moved towards him. Its mouth was wide open and seemed ready to devour him. At the sight of its extra-ordinary long and shining tooth he trembled with fear.
Hi, okay some things for you to think about.

"rapidly" denotes urgency, but I'm not feeling it.
If you don't mention the distance, and just have it come at him from the 1st word, it'll have more urgency.

do you mean "tooth" or "teeth"
I prefer tooth anyway because it's less cliche.
I'd bring the tooth closer to the beginning.

"it moved towards"
How does it move? Does it crawl or swim or fly or run?

You don't need to mention him trembling with fear, he's in a frightening situation.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #927 on: April 23, 2009, 09:22:28 PM »
Here's mine:

"Night could not shroud the limousine, parked at the curb on 7th Avenue."
change "could not" to "couldn't" and I think it doesn't need any more work. Just be sure to start the actual story in the next sentence.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline ByronArthurClark

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #928 on: April 24, 2009, 07:19:47 AM »
Like to hear the comments on this:

"Shaarierra fell backward onto the freezing snow as the burning pain in her head blinded her."
Byron Clark. Please feel free to e-mail me, anytime! byronarthurclark@gmail.com

Offline ByronArthurClark

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #929 on: April 24, 2009, 07:25:54 AM »
Tis not a rape story Mr Mull, a mere robbery, and the blindfolded character is an elderly butler, the other is a young man. No sensuality there.

Oh my gosh, I though this was a first line until I figured out the converstion. Yhis would make a kickass piece of opening dialouge for a narrated crime drama!!!v  :)  ;D
Byron Clark. Please feel free to e-mail me, anytime! byronarthurclark@gmail.com