Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 745177 times)

Offline pb

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #765 on: March 04, 2009, 08:35:42 AM »
i would definitely keep on reading; can you post more somewhere?

it might be sligthly clunky eg it was SO hot that sweat WOULD seep OUT OF A person.

having said that i'm not sure exactly what i'd do instead of that!!

also maybe open with the police line.

it osunds right up my street anyway

Narnian Prince

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #766 on: March 04, 2009, 09:02:16 AM »
After a short hiatus here's my next attempt at an earlier story....


   Joaquim 'Jokie' Reynolds deserved a better fate.  At the very least, he should have been spared the ignominy of the local loose tongued society.  Such as it was the discovery of his body by one of the founding members victimized him a second time.  His corpse, barely cold, was already being hotly debated when the coroner's van arrived.  The blowing snow from the overnight storm offered neither comfort or clue to those investigating with a better moral intent . 



Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #767 on: March 04, 2009, 07:02:48 PM »
Here's my rewritten first line of my techno-thriller. Please comment.

It was hot. The heat from the ground sent waves into the humid air. It was so hot that sweat drops would seep out of a person who stood still and evaporate the instant it made contact with the atmosphere. The police were exposed to this weather for nearly an hour.
Most of this is the same thing [the fact that wherever the story is taking place is hot] being repeated over and over.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline keira

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #768 on: March 05, 2009, 09:04:40 AM »
it is a kids sci fi novel

Chapter one
The Gathering of the Gang

Mel had sat in the garden for the best part of the morning Cass her mum had fussed every twenty minutes reapplying sun cream and making her drink far too much water that she now looked like a little blonde Buddha.

xxx

auddie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #769 on: March 06, 2009, 04:08:56 AM »
Mushy noodles are a big pet peeve of mine. It's as if the cook was too busy counting the breadcrumbs in his bellybutton to pay attention to the meal.


Offline keira

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #770 on: March 06, 2009, 10:47:06 AM »
eh you mushy noodleing me

Offline keira

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #771 on: March 06, 2009, 10:54:22 AM »
I need mushy noodeling thats why im here but really you want to keep reading eh?  ;D

auddie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #772 on: March 06, 2009, 11:32:39 AM »
haha the innuendo never even occurred to me til just now  :P

Offline keira

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #773 on: March 06, 2009, 11:46:38 AM »
 now im really lost innuendo?

Offline keira

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #774 on: March 06, 2009, 04:14:05 PM »

now you gota work with me here this is my first book and i have been charging of towards chapter 17 by hand in notebooks and really only telling the story i now need to write it!

Ch.1
gathering of the gang

Mel was starting resemble a little blonde Buddha willing and waiting underneath a big old palm tree mostly for Dharma, a  remarkable Antiquarian and Ley Hunter who also happened to be her grandmother.

not perfect but better

auddie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #775 on: March 06, 2009, 04:38:06 PM »
i like the image. how about a period after palm tree? it rounds out the image of mel under the tree and gives it a little time to sink in before you move to plot.

Offline emma112

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #776 on: March 06, 2009, 04:39:03 PM »
Keira, I like it!

And would definitely want to read more, so good opening!

Emma x x x
Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us - Jane Austen (Pride and Prejudice)

Offline Andrewf

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #777 on: March 06, 2009, 04:56:28 PM »
now you gota work with me here this is my first book and i have been charging of towards chapter 17 by hand in notebooks and really only telling the story i now need to write it!

Ch.1
gathering of the gang

Mel was starting resemble a little blonde Buddha willing and waiting underneath a big old palm tree mostly for Dharma, a  remarkable Antiquarian and Ley Hunter who also happened to be her grandmother.

not perfect but better

Not 100% sure what you are trying to show the reader about Mel, but this first line needs a little tightening...  Possibly something like this... Obviously, reword to fit your voice.

Mel resembled a little blonde Buddha waiting underneath the big, old palm tree. Waiting for Dharma and Ley Hunter, her grandmother.

I don't know what age group you are aiming this at. You mentioned it is to be a kid's SciFi novel. I'm wondering if "a remarkable Antiquarian" might be too old for your target audience? (would think so if you are aiming for under 11's)

After all that, it is an interesting start, and the chapter title clearly let's us know what to expect generally, and yet i'm still interested to see exactly how the gathering together happens. ;D

Keep it up. :)
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

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Offline emma112

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #778 on: March 06, 2009, 06:13:47 PM »
Hopefully this sounds like a good opening.
I don't know what the name of the chapter is going to be called yet, but I have an idea that it might be something like, Stalker.
Please tell me if you would read more. 

As I contemplated my life, in what seemed like only a few minutes, I suddenly heard the snapping of a twig in the woods behind me. My eyes shot open and I frantically searched the area, trying to find a cause to the sound I heard.

Thanks,
           Emma x x x
Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us - Jane Austen (Pride and Prejudice)

auddie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #779 on: March 06, 2009, 09:19:19 PM »
i think it has potential as a hook, but is a little wordy. my suggestion would be to revise and remove any unnecessary words.

also, is in what seemed like only a few minutes modifying the beginning or end of the sentence? If the beginning, maybe you could replace with a word like momentarily. If the end, I think its a little repetitive and takes away from the image of eyes shooting around the scene.

this is an interesting start in my opinion, but the wordiness bogs the reader down and keeps your hook from being as snappy and attention grabbing as i think it could be :)
« Last Edit: March 06, 2009, 09:23:40 PM by auddie »