Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 777558 times)

Offline aellaholcomb

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« Reply #150 on: August 18, 2006, 10:40:49 AM »
Old Fantasy. I would write a slick/intellectual/jaded New Yorker type story that was about a writer who could do nothing but write great lines.
   Over and over she put down these riveting first lines, and then, plop, nada. I never could figure out how to end it. Perhaps because she was a first line writer and could not come to end.
   Odd, after all this writing here, I suddenly remember that. At the time I thought it a simply splendid idea. Then decided it would lack
enough plot to keep anyone interested.Unless, I made it short short. Aella Maybe a penchant for first lines is a minor form of poetry making. I find first lines pop into my head at an alarming rate. The vast majority I nod to and keep on my way. Sometimes write one down. But generally I consider them some aspect of the creative me blowing off steam and it's just interesting in the way a rainbow or colorful street slick in the rain is interesting.
          Aella

Offline Elodie-Caroline

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #151 on: August 18, 2006, 12:50:21 PM »
This is from my first 'novel'

Antoine De Rochefort, the Detective chief inspector of the Paris Police force, came strolling out of the large imposing doors of the Ministèrie de l’interieur building with a sad and wandering glance at the large crowd of reporters and onlookers gathered there. He wouldn‘t be giving them what they desperately wanted to sell their newspapers yet though, the big story, if he ever did, after all, just where would he begin anyway?

Nelodra

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« Reply #152 on: August 18, 2006, 03:08:17 PM »
I think I'll have go at it, too.


Amra sneaked noiselessly through the dark corridors of the imperial palace.  She was almost there. Hopefully she wouldn’t run into the guards now, or all would be lost, and she’d be a hostage to her husband for months to come. She opened the door to the library just wide enough to let her slide through; then closed it again and stood waiting, listening, her heart pounding in her throat. Thankfully, all she heard was silence.


Offline aellaholcomb

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« Reply #153 on: August 18, 2006, 03:31:05 PM »
Elodie,
    Your beginning is exactly the kind of detective I pick up/the ambience of France/etc.
You totally had me until the phrase "desperately wanted to sell their newspapers" I know I'm not doing it verbatum, and then that following sentence, I got jumbled.
  If I were reading in novel on plane, do dah, I'd just skip over it. I don't get it.

We know he's going to announce something. he is rather broodingly disenchanted and jaded about these kind of press conferences. Ha. I love him. But then his interior thought about what could/will happen next,I don't get at all.
I love the description.

 I would read on, hoping your character clarified what his problem was.
           I think this is good. Why don't you post more. Aella

Nadine L

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« Reply #154 on: August 18, 2006, 04:28:14 PM »
Elodie,

Consider if you need either of the "large" (they seemed redundant or superfluous to me -- yeah, I did that on purpose!). I'm not sure about strolling & sad, strolling seems more lighthearted, but I really like the tone of the word.

Otherwise, I think you are on your way with this piece.  IMO.

Nelodra,

Maybe sneaked and noiselessly are the same thing?  "...almost there", maybe find a better word for "there" as "almost free" "almost outside" "almost safe" or any other variation more specific than "there" without giving away too much info...IMO

This is also a good start...I want more.
____________

So far, of the posts on this thread that I've had time to read, I've been hooked.  This is exactly what June did a year ago, she hooked me on an excerpt from her ms by posting it for review, and now I own a signed copy of her book!

All, please let me know when your books are released.  There are some very talented writers on this forum, and I WILL buy your books...'cuz, I'm dying to know what comes next...

Nadine
« Last Edit: August 18, 2006, 04:29:49 PM by Nadine L »

Offline CarrieSheppard

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #155 on: August 18, 2006, 05:41:05 PM »
A short story concept that has come into my head, and here's my opener.  Do I bother to write the rest?!

“Can’t you smell it mummy?” the child cried.
“No dear, you are imagining things.” Mother replied.

In fact, mother told me that I was imagining things so often that in the end I believed her.  I believed I had the most imaginative nose ever born!


Carrie

Offline Elodie-Caroline

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« Reply #156 on: August 18, 2006, 07:37:39 PM »
Thank you very much Aella :) That was the first thing I was writing two years ago, after very many years of only writing the odd poem here and there. I haven't really revisted it for a long time, as I'm working on something else at the momnt. But I will take what you said onboard.
Actually, he isn't going to make any kind of annoucement, he's going to go home and ponder on his life and what led him to where he is now.

Nadine: thank you very much also :) Like I said to Aella, it's the first story I'd written for years, thirty to be exact! lol. But yes, I guess strolling is a bit lightheated, sort of sounds like Summer eh, maybe ambling would do better? I'll look in to my Thesaurus and see which word would suit his mood better. He's in a really bad way over what's happened in his life, and from his own making too.

Ellie

Offline aellaholcomb

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« Reply #157 on: August 18, 2006, 08:55:54 PM »
Nelodra,
   In your piece, which I like, the second sentence (I think) where she says almost THERE. Where is there. Specific is generally better than general. Amost to library. to hall, to point the guards won't see her. ????????????

I would delete last sentence.
Glad you posted. Is this a real beginning or are you playing. I have been tempted to just write one for fun. This whole idea was brillant, Lin's I guess.Aella

Offline aellaholcomb

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« Reply #158 on: August 18, 2006, 09:04:37 PM »
First lines of something I've played around with writing:----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

     I want to make it clear, for me,   why I stayed with Patrick, the abusive husband, the alcoholic, the Vietnam Vet who woke screaming and ready to kill.
     
     I could have left. I had a good-paying job.  We had no children. So why stay? Writing this  book will help me, perhaps, to better understand.

     I loved him, of course.
 
     And we were more than alcoholic/codependent wife. More than some damn psychiatric diagnostic statement.  Or I think we were. Or am I lying to myself again.

     It is time to write and see if there are answers.

     Aella

   

Nadine L

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« Reply #159 on: August 18, 2006, 09:11:18 PM »
Elodie,

Actually, I like strolling...can just see it.  The word I'd question is "sad."  Otherwise, I really like the whole of it.

Carrie,

You can guess my answer -- YES! Keep writing, always keep writing.  Writers shouldn't stop writing, even if a dozen people tell them to stop.

Only two things (maybe): Name the child, I think.  It makes him/her less distant (more personal), and tells whether it is a boy or girl, unless there is a reason you are saving that info for later, which is something I often do.  The other small matter is, consider removing the first "that."  It caught my attention that there were two "thats" and the word has a bit harsher sound to the letter combinations than some words. I'd probably just remove the first one and leave the second.

___________________
The word "that" isn't the best example of this, but not only the meaning of a word, but the phonetic sounds of it can help set the tone in a reader's mind. Earlier Elodie used "Strolling" and if you listen to how it sounds, is sounds easy going.  Whereas, Cathy's "plop" sounds like the word to use for a thumb coming out of the child's mouth. Panic with the hard sound ending, fits the meaning of the word for use in writing, with its staccato sound, it sounds quick and on edge.  Poets and song writers are especially good at this word choice stuff.

I'm no expert on writing...just passing on things I've learned.  There are millions of right ways to write.

Nadine

Nelodra

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« Reply #160 on: August 19, 2006, 04:38:46 PM »
Nelodra,

Maybe sneaked and noiselessly are the same thing?  "...almost there", maybe find a better word for "there" as "almost free" "almost outside" "almost safe" or any other variation more specific than "there" without giving away too much info...IMO

Nadine

Thanks, Nadine. Your comments are appreciated.
Sneaked and noiselessly the same thing? You mean like snow being white? Probably, but bot sure... One could sneak and still make some (hopefully small) noise, accidentally. I'll think about the "almost there". That's the trouble with translations, the real thing is almost always better  :(

Nelodra

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« Reply #161 on: August 19, 2006, 04:42:46 PM »
Nelodra,
   In your piece, which I like, the second sentence (I think) where she says almost THERE. Where is there. Specific is generally better than general. Amost to library. to hall, to point the guards won't see her. ????????????

I would delete last sentence.
Glad you posted. Is this a real beginning or are you playing. I have been tempted to just write one for fun. This whole idea was brillant, Lin's I guess.Aella

Aella,
I should really do something about the "almost there" then, shouldn't I? And yes, I think I will delete the last sentence. Somehow it doesn't feel quite as good as the rest.
Yes, it's the real beginning. What makes you think I would be playing? I wrote this story in Dutch first, and am in the process of translating/rewriting it in English. It was intended to be just a short story, but I think I should probably turn it into a novel...
Thanks for taking your time to comment on my first paragraph. :) 

Nelodra

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« Reply #162 on: August 19, 2006, 04:45:12 PM »
A short story concept that has come into my head, and here's my opener.  Do I bother to write the rest?!

“Can’t you smell it mummy?” the child cried.
“No dear, you are imagining things.” Mother replied.

In fact, mother told me that I was imagining things so often that in the end I believed her.  I believed I had the most imaginative nose ever born!

Carrie

Carrie,
I like what you've got here, and thin k you should write the rest. It could be the beginning of a wonderful story.
I esp. like the "I had the most imaginative nose ever born"

Offline CarrieSheppard

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« Reply #163 on: August 19, 2006, 05:51:50 PM »
Thanks Nelodra.  The rest just came pouring out anyway - about 2,500 words of a slightly unusual ghost story. Just need to refine and the most important thing, sharpen the ending.

Thanks for the positive feedback, I needed a lift.

Carrie  ;D

Offline aellaholcomb

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« Reply #164 on: August 19, 2006, 08:10:47 PM »
Nelorda,
    I'm sorry if I sounded rude by saying "playing." I don't remember exactly why I said that - probably because sometimes I do write paragraphs.poems, slices of description just for fun and with no goal in sight and usually toss them.
   Anyhow. I really hope I wasn't rude. Didn't mean to be. Aella