Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 734899 times)

Offline Smellieellie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #750 on: February 26, 2009, 12:50:46 PM »
Hey, would this work for an opening line?
Be as mean as you like :D


Edward, the name shattered through my brain like broken glass. Cutting me, deeper and deeper. He held no mercy, no salvation, no rescue from this curse that hung over me. I threw the picture across the room. The glass frame hitting the wood panelled skirting, breaking into a thousand unfixable pieces.
Never stop living...x

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #751 on: February 26, 2009, 01:13:11 PM »
Different start point. What do you think? :-\

Unable to contain his fury Drew Porter slammed the front door of his thatched cottage. In one fluid movement, he vaulted over the rustic wall at the side of the garden. Conifers, Rowena insisted he plant along the verge, stood at attention like guards defending a fortress. Blind rage embroiled him. He stomped and kicked the plants into the road. One resilient bush sprung back to position - defiant against his booting. He reached down yanking it by the roots and hurled it up Church lane. “Bitch, bitch, bitch.”

Just a suggestion to tighten up a bit.

Drew Porter slammed the front door of his thatched cottage and vaulted over the rustic wall next to the garden.

Rowena had insisted he plant conifers along the verge and they now stood like guards defending a fortress.


Ma, at this point I have a problem. Around here, a conifer is an evergreen tree like a pine, yew, ceder or redwood. Any one of these trees, if large enough to appear as if they were guards defending a fortress, would also be too tall and well rooted for him to be able to stomp and kick them into the road. In fact, he would need a shovel to dig or at least, a saw to cut them down in order to demolish them. 
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Offline ma100

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #752 on: February 26, 2009, 01:17:24 PM »
See here Alice we have dwarf conifers that grow to a maximum of 18 inches in height. Perhaps I better change the plant. uhm! They grow very upright. Any suggestions?

Offline Spell Chick

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #753 on: February 26, 2009, 01:31:00 PM »
Different start point. What do you think? :-\

Unable to contain his fury Drew Porter slammed the front door of his thatched cottage. In one fluid movement, he vaulted over the rustic wall at the side of the garden. Conifers, Rowena insisted he plant along the verge, stood at attention like guards defending a fortress. Blind rage embroiled him. He stomped and kicked the plants into the road. One resilient bush sprung back to position - defiant against his booting. He reached down yanking it by the roots and hurled it up Church lane. “Bitch, bitch, bitch.”

Now, Ma, you know me and the Show and Tell portion of Kindergarten class. I just never really get it. But isn't the red sentence telling what the rest of the paragraph is showing?

Alice's first line combining the two sentences read easier. The "unable to contain his fury" doesn't seem like a good way to start a book. It's a parenthetical phrase or something like that.

I don't think there should be a comma after Conifers and it would read smoother as
The conifers Rowena  etc. and not need any extra punctuation.

Hope this helps. But since I have not even been able to buy a clue in the Discount section of Wordsmiths R Us,
Well, I still hope it helps.
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Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #754 on: February 26, 2009, 01:38:22 PM »
See here Alice we have dwarf conifers that grow to a maximum of 18 inches in height. Perhaps I better change the plant. uhm! They grow very upright. Any suggestions?

Perhaps simply designating them as "dwarf conifers" would do the trick.

 ;)
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The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

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-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline Spell Chick

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #755 on: February 26, 2009, 01:40:42 PM »
Hey, would this work for an opening line?
Be as mean as you like :D


Edward, the name shattered through my brain like broken glass. Cutting me, deeper and deeper. He held no mercy, no salvation, no rescue from this curse that hung over me. I threw the picture across the room. The glass frame hitting the wood panelled skirting, breaking into a thousand unfixable pieces.

Disclaimer: I am not anywhere even remotely close to an expert. Please take what I say with that in mind.

"Cutting me, deeper and deeper." This is a sentence fragment. I have nothing against using them as a de facto rule, but I don't think I would do so right at the beginning of a book.

"The glass frame hitting the wood panelled skirting, breaking into a thousand unfixable pieces." A second sentence fragment. Gerunds seem to be getting in your way.

Edward, the name shattered through my brain like broken glass and cut deeper and deeper. He held no mercy, no salvation, no rescue from this curse hanging over me. I threw the picture across the room. The glass frame struck the wood panelled skirting and broke into a thousand unfixable pieces.

I would prefer something other than "shattered" although I know you are keeping with the broken glass theme. Skittered or rattles, or something like the sound of broken glass. Shattered feels wrong used in this sense.

It would help if you could tell us what genre you are working with here. I can't tell by your opening lines.
Little Bits of History A short essay on something that happened on any day.

Imperfect Reason My thoughts, such as they are.

Offline ma100

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #756 on: February 26, 2009, 01:49:41 PM »
Quote
It's a parenthetical phrase or something like that
Don't be filthy. ::) ;D

The wall isn't next to the garden, it is the garden wall mate at the side of the property. On the other side is grass verges with plants in a row. There is no pavement just a curb lining the road. Coo! dunnit get complicated. ;D This is quite normal in country villages.

Okay if I get rid of the first phrase I am left with a name start, but that is supposed to be a no no. Waaaaaaaa :'( I don't want to play this game no more. ;D

I was trying to show his temper was getting worse and he needed to release. Oops! ;)

Alice that could work, do you think I should say miniature guards maybe?

Offline Spell Chick

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #757 on: February 26, 2009, 02:34:02 PM »
The echoes from the slammed door reverberated as Drew Porter stormed down the path leading from his thatched cottage.  In one fluid movement, he vaulted over the rustic wall at the side of the garden. The conifers Rowena insisted he plant along the verge stood at attention like guards defending a fortress. He stomped and kicked the plants into the road. One resilient bush sprung back to position - defiant against his booting. He reached down yanking it by the roots and hurled it up Church lane. “Bitch, bitch, bitch.”

Ma, how's that?
Little Bits of History A short essay on something that happened on any day.

Imperfect Reason My thoughts, such as they are.

Offline ma100

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #758 on: February 26, 2009, 02:47:59 PM »
Hehe Patti. I more or less started with that lol. ;D I was also happier with that too, but instead of echoes I had  The framework shook. I like yours better. ;D I will add a little and see how I go. Thanks for your help.

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #759 on: February 26, 2009, 02:57:42 PM »

Alice that could work, do you think I should say miniature guards maybe?

Sure. Or maybe even toy guards depending on the character and your needs for the story of course.
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The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline ma100

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #760 on: February 26, 2009, 03:24:21 PM »
Thanks Alice. :)

Offline jaydigitek

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #761 on: February 27, 2009, 01:14:31 AM »
This sounds like fun.

 "Three fingers of the 'Livet over ice If I may kind Sir.Preferably in a glass un-used by previous patrons of the day,the Heathens if you will." 

   A bit pushy I admit,,but this was to be a glorious day of debauchery and I felt it imperative to be firm with the man from the on-set of this ordeal.He must be made aware of the seriousness of the issue at hand.Not to mention the task that lie in wait for the coming week.

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Offline dynodreamer

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #762 on: February 27, 2009, 02:37:59 AM »
"Dogs!" Someone was here.Another section near his right heal began falling off. He craned his neck awkwardly trying to determine the direction of the sounds below. Rolling rivers of sweat irritated his rock damaged legs while his shoulders were succumbing to the effects of dynamic tension. Why had he not taken seriously the warnings they’d given him about Crumble Rock passage. The name alone sat in his consciousness as a no brainer. No local wanted anything to do with the challenge, and his hindsight would now serve to point out why. Fingers cramping with the strain of maintaining a life sustainable grip he hugged the faulty facing  again wincing. “Help, help me! Up here. I’m up here! “ he managed to gasp,  slightly louder than a whisper. No one was there but the coyotes. He had hoped for nothing … and it looked like that’s exactly what he gained.
The difference between theory and practice is that in theory there isn’t any - Yogi Berra
[Ask a Doctor when he feels he might quit practicing Medicine and work on theory!]

Offline jaydigitek

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #763 on: February 27, 2009, 10:42:35 AM »
Dynodreamer~

Hey I really liked your opening! Makes me want more, do you have this story posted anywhere? I'd love to check it out.
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Offline TheSecondOne

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #764 on: March 03, 2009, 10:13:56 PM »
Here's my rewritten first line of my techno-thriller. Please comment.

It was hot. The heat from the ground sent waves into the humid air. It was so hot that sweat drops would seep out of a person who stood still and evaporate the instant it made contact with the atmosphere. The police were exposed to this weather for nearly an hour.
« Last Edit: March 03, 2009, 10:18:38 PM by Lionheart »
Current Project: 26602 words