Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 762260 times)

Offline TheSecondOne

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #720 on: February 16, 2009, 10:11:39 PM »
~40 words

Rioters stopped at "the line" surrounding Wyvern Corp., one of the city's megacorporations. Half of them held baseball bats and the rest carried wrenches. Some wrench-holders rode on top of pickup trucks with homemade napalm canisters tossed in the back.
Current Project: 26602 words

Offline PretzelGirl

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #721 on: February 16, 2009, 10:15:11 PM »
Quote
Rioters stopped at "the line" surrounding Wyvern Corp., one of the city's megacorporations. Half of them held baseball bats and the rest carried wrenches. Some wrench-holders rode on top of pickup trucks with homemade napalm canisters tossed in the back.

Having "the line" in quotes tripped me up, so did the "Wyvern" part, and megacorporations is vague.
The rest is all telling. I can't really see the scene, this sounds like a recount.
Smoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas!
- A. J. Rimmer, Red Dwarf

Offline TheSecondOne

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #722 on: February 16, 2009, 10:34:13 PM »
Thanks for the comments, PretzelGirl. I'll need to rework it. Btw, is that a counter in your signature or just a regular pic?
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Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #723 on: February 17, 2009, 07:32:05 AM »
How about this?

Geraldine parked away from the run-down trailer; she did not want her car in the rubble and garbage that filled the yard—more importantly, she did not want Jake to know she was coming.
« Last Edit: February 17, 2009, 07:42:56 AM by JHMull »

Offline PretzelGirl

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #724 on: February 17, 2009, 07:34:37 AM »
Lionheart: it's a counter

JHMull, there should be a semi-colon between "trailer" and "she". I can't find anything else much wrong with it
Smoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas!
- A. J. Rimmer, Red Dwarf

Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #725 on: February 17, 2009, 07:42:38 AM »
Thanks Pretz, it is done. ::) :-[ :-*

Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #726 on: February 17, 2009, 07:50:16 AM »
Say Pretz, the line:the exquisite corpse shall drink new wine. Does that mean the corpse has become an undead?
I'm in the middle of writing a book which has them in it.  One as a guardian angel.

Offline PretzelGirl

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #727 on: February 17, 2009, 07:56:02 AM »
I don't frankly know WHAT it means  :)
It's a famous poem by a bunch of surrealist writers who wrote a word/phrase without knowing what anyone else wrote and then put it together. Originally it came up as "the exquisite—corpse—shall drink—the young—wine." and then eventually reworked to "the exquisite corpse shall drink new wine".
Smoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas!
- A. J. Rimmer, Red Dwarf

Offline kaaoru

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #728 on: February 17, 2009, 03:47:05 PM »
Oh, well...It's being a long time since I last logged in the forum. But a nice idea came to my mind, and so i wrote a sort-of introduction, already with 7 or 9 paragraphs. I will post the first one here.

(Please keep in mind, i'm from Brazil, and im not sure how the school works there. Also, this text was originally written in portuguese, im doing the traduction as i post it here)

     4:55 PM. In front of me, the computer screen showed MSN chats with my friends.

     Our group started in the 8th grade, but it was only in the high school that we became close friends. I was new in the school, and didn't show any trace of nervousness, as I never did. Right in the first day, I came upon an old friend, with whom I studied for two years. He came to the school the year before, and was surely one of the 'founders' of our group. His name, Gustavo; but he was commonly called Ban. Only months later did I discover the origin of his nickname.
I roll my face across the keyboard. Then have myself a cup of tea.

Offline Thekherham

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #729 on: February 17, 2009, 04:29:43 PM »
All right, I'll give it a try:


Where do I begin? There is a logical answer to that question, but somehow I think logic dictates that I begin beyond the boundaries of my birth. This autobiography should begin with my parents, for they were the ones who bore me and shaped me, and if it were not for their existence, Thekherham, and consequently, his whistling dragon, Kykherhenha, would not exist.


That's Tee kee' rahm

Offline jpenname

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #730 on: February 17, 2009, 04:33:13 PM »
Ok, here goes (plug my nose and jump in!)

It was just after midnight when Dr. Frank heard the banging on his door.  He lay awake for a moment staring at the darkness so thick that opening his eyes made little difference. 

Offline Spell Chick

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #731 on: February 17, 2009, 04:44:32 PM »
Ok, here goes (plug my nose and jump in!)

It was just after midnight when Dr. Frank heard the banging on his door.  He lay awake for a moment staring at the darkness so thick that opening his eyes made little difference. 

I see you are new here. Welcome to MWC.

There is a little rule about writing that many novices (at least to the forum) haven't yet incorporated into their writing. The rule?

Show, don't tell.

How does Dr. Frank know it is just after midnight? (just a little question from me, not anything of great import) However, and I'm not the best show rather than tell person on the boards. Let me give you an example of what I mean.

Dr. Frank's eyes jarred open as the sound of pounding entered his consciousness. He peered around the room where the only source of light was the clock throwing off a red glow announcing 12:03 AM. He shook his head to help clear the sleep and glared toward the door, to no avail.

Not really any good prose there. But I tried not to tell the story, but instead show it. Dr. Frank suddenly awake (unless your story had him not yet asleep, then some other imagery would be needed) and the dark room oppressive with only the clock, giving a time.

I struggle with this concept myself, and hopefully others will be along to further explain, better explain, the idea.

I offer only a suggestion as to form. I'm not trying to rewrite your opening.

So now, who is Dr. Frank, why is someone pounding on his door at midnight?    ;D
So the lead is good, it makes me want to know more.
Little Bits of History A short essay on something that happened on any day.

Imperfect Reason My thoughts, such as they are.

Offline jpenname

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #732 on: February 17, 2009, 05:23:01 PM »
SpChick,

Thanks for the feedback.  I had thought of that as being a potential sticky point.  You've confirmed my suspicions. The exact time is not essential, I just need to portray the idea that he knows it is not a normal hour to be awakened.  No electricity, so no lighted clocks, but I'll find a way to rework it.  Thank you a ton for taking the time to read it!

Offline Spell Chick

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #733 on: February 17, 2009, 05:42:21 PM »
You are welcome. I wish I could be more helpful.  :D

When you've got it reworked, post it again. Please.
Little Bits of History A short essay on something that happened on any day.

Imperfect Reason My thoughts, such as they are.

Offline patti

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #734 on: February 18, 2009, 09:44:26 AM »
Okay. This is my first line. Please don't be too harsh. I haven't develped that thick skin yet that Wolfe was talking about.

"There are some things in life that are never easy. Take for example, duvet covers. You stand at the foot of the bed with a fresh cover in hand just knowing you are about to wrestle with it until you are red in the face and the sweat is trickling down your cheeks and dribbling onto the bed. But that one time, that one very rare time, that the duvet cover goes on really easily. What happens? You stand back, smugly congratulating yourself, only to discover you’ve put the bloody thing on inside out."