Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 734904 times)

Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #660 on: December 30, 2008, 03:20:41 PM »
Not long enough
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Offline ma100

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #661 on: December 30, 2008, 03:26:19 PM »
Hi NP I prefer your first opening sentence but maybe with a 'much needed nicoteine fix.' Then you can use cigarette in second sentence

As this is your first para I feel you need to make the words as strong as possible so maybe reword the 'He'd' and 'Brushing' sentence starts.

To me a smell fills the atmosphere not an area. I could be wrong though.

Hope I am not confusing the issue mate.
Ma :)

Nelodra

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #662 on: December 31, 2008, 07:44:48 AM »
OK, not sure if I'm going to do anything with this, but if not, it's still good practise.
How about this:

It happened without warning. No thunder or lightening, no tingly feelings, nothing. I was there. Just like that. While my eyes were still getting used to the semidarkness, the smell of incense and burning candles filled my nostrils.

Offline Plain_Jane

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #663 on: January 03, 2009, 09:11:12 PM »
Quote
It happened without warning. No thunder or lightening, no tingly feelings, nothing. I was there. Just like that. While my eyes were still getting used to the semidarkness, the smell of incense and burning candles filled my nostrils.

Nelodra, I really liked this. It's very different, which I love. I'm a sucker for these kinds of beginnings that are very vague, yet not confusing. Good job.

Nelodra

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #664 on: January 04, 2009, 04:32:45 AM »
Thanks, Plain.

I'm a little over 3000 words into that story now. I guess I'm gonna work it into a novella or something...  :)

Narnian Prince

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #665 on: January 05, 2009, 08:54:12 AM »
   Well, I've been playing with this over the weekend and I'm going to make another attempt at it.  Thanks in advance to anyone commenting and helping.  :D

   Stunned, Jack picked himself up from the wall against which he had been flung.  Debris rained in all directions and screams broke through as fellow patrons joined him in the chilly night air.  His half smoked cigarette lay on the ground nearby  and he found himself pondering it for a moment as he looked around.  Stooping to retrieve it, he awe struck as he took in the scene across the street.  At the bus depot the flaming hulk of an inter-city bus told a story in itself.  As he brushed broken glass and other materials from himself, Jack realized with a jolt that it was the same bus that he had disembarked from mere moments earlier.  Sirens broke into his reverie and, as he was pushed by those around him, Jack looked for an avenue of escape.


   As I mentioned earlier, this is only a beginning.  I'm still not sure where this will lead but I do appreciate the help with it.

Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #666 on: January 05, 2009, 09:05:36 AM »
I wonder...

Cars streamed past Café Express. A cooling breeze from the river, like a glam, slowed the exhaust fumes. It built like a shimmer moving towards the crossing.

Steve jabbed the button again, “Turn green, you bastard.”

Finally, the Green Man began to walk but didn’t get anywhere.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline ma100

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #667 on: January 05, 2009, 09:19:26 AM »


Cars streamed past Café Express. A cooling breeze from the river, like a glam, slowed the exhaust fumes. It built like a shimmer moving towards the crossing.

Steve jabbed the button again, “Turn green, you bastard.”

Finally, the Green Man began to walk but didn’t get anywhere.

Hi Ollie

Most of this is very good I feel, but the bit I underlined doesn't catch me. Just my view mate others may disagree. :)


Offline ma100

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #668 on: January 05, 2009, 09:23:19 AM »
   Well, I've been playing with this over the weekend and I'm going to make another attempt at it.  Thanks in advance to anyone commenting and helping.  :D

   Stunned, Jack picked himself up from the wall against which he had been flung.  Debris rained in all directions and screams broke through as fellow patrons joined him in the chilly night air.  His half smoked cigarette lay on the ground nearby  and he found himself pondering it for a moment as he looked around.  Stooping to retrieve it, he awe struck as he took in the scene across the street.  At the bus depot the flaming hulk of an inter-city bus told a story in itself.  As he brushed broken glass and other materials from himself, Jack realized with a jolt that it was the same bus that he had disembarked from mere moments earlier.  Sirens broke into his reverie and, as he was pushed by those around him, Jack looked for an avenue of escape.

I am not as taken with this start mate. Perhaps if you put all three down on the screen underline the bits that are strong on all three then merge it mate. If  you want me to show you what I mean let me know.
Ma :)


   As I mentioned earlier, this is only a beginning.  I'm still not sure where this will lead but I do appreciate the help with it.

Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #669 on: January 05, 2009, 09:50:16 AM »
It's a new addition to the opening, when posting time came, I began to doubt it.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline CollegeGuy

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #670 on: January 05, 2009, 10:25:10 PM »
Here's the opening line im working with now... trying to bring about a sense of raw feeling. The story is about a boxer, so i just want some basic feedback on what you felt after reading it and whether or not it's worth sticking with. Thanks!


   When you earn a living with your fists and blood, nothing comes easy. You can only hope you earn it more with your fists than your blood.


~~CollegeGuy~~
This Type of Thinking Could Do Us In...

Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #671 on: January 15, 2009, 11:08:54 AM »
When you earn a living with your fists and blood, nothing comes easy. You can only hope you earn it more with your fists than your blood.
CG, it's a decent enough opening. Interested on seeing where you take it.
Never make a decision standing up.

Laertes00

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #672 on: January 16, 2009, 07:33:26 AM »
Ohh, what a fun topic. I may as well join, and see what people say about the intro to my story...

“Sure, we cut your hands off for stealing something as measly as candy. Let us keep hearing complaints and we shall do that AND send you to prison. Shut up and enjoy the free health care plans we offer you, ungrateful pricks. Move to another nation if you can’t take it… and you, at the very back! I saw you! Someone shoot him, now! I AM THE EMPEROR HERE!”

And then I describe him, his ways, his empire, and blah blah blah...
« Last Edit: January 16, 2009, 07:56:25 AM by Laertes00 »

Offline ma100

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #673 on: January 16, 2009, 10:22:41 AM »
Okay Not sure ???


 The mound of soil trickled, then as the shoring gave way, slid in a wet deluge into the grave. Drew hurled himself towards the ladder, but his steel boot slipped through the rotten coffin lid. When he twisted his body, in an attempt to free his trapped leg, the wall at the top of the hole collapsed. God help me.
« Last Edit: January 17, 2009, 06:56:31 AM by ma100 »

Offline Andrewf

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #674 on: January 16, 2009, 10:26:27 AM »
:o :o

You killing me him off at the beginning Ma?? :o
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

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