Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 745174 times)

Offline imnotsorry

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 25
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #630 on: November 19, 2008, 08:41:44 AM »
I'd like to continue this scene a little, if you don't mind.

Here is the link to the thread in which I post the entire first chapter. It's kind of long, so I don't know if you want to only read part or skim or whatever. I'd really appreciate the feedback! (But I understand if it's too long)

http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=17609.0

Offline thatollie

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1444
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #631 on: November 19, 2008, 09:03:09 AM »
Saw the opening chapter earlier, nice stuff.

Ok, from the stuff posted on this thread, it seemed as though she was asleep. The whole sunshine thing and the squinting.

But then when it continues and she isn't sleeping, it sort of jars there. The reader has to has to change what they thought was happening to what is happening.

I'll continue this in the other thread so this one can get back to other peoples opening lines.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline imnotsorry

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 25
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #632 on: November 19, 2008, 09:36:48 AM »
Saw the opening chapter earlier, nice stuff.

Ok, from the stuff posted on this thread, it seemed as though she was asleep. The whole sunshine thing and the squinting.

But then when it continues and she isn't sleeping, it sort of jars there. The reader has to has to change what they thought was happening to what is happening.

I'll continue this in the other thread so this one can get back to other peoples opening lines.

Awesome, thanks!  :)

Offline reddsh

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 194
  • Cute but Jaded
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #633 on: November 22, 2008, 11:37:48 PM »
I rewrote the first chapter.  Here's my new opening:

Mr. Handsome, that seat better not be taken, thought Kaylin Jansen as she eyed her desired seat: the one next to the best-looking young man on the train.
The author gets to choose when the story is finally dead. ~Castledoor

Offline Smellieellie

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 59
  • as fragile and as strong as a spiders web...
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #634 on: December 11, 2008, 06:13:48 PM »
(Great idea for a topic :))

Edward, the name shattered through my brain like broken glass. Cutting me, deeper and deeper. He held no mercy, no salvation, no rescue from this curse that hung over me. I threw the picture across the room. The glass frame hitting the wood panelled skirting, breaking into a thousand unfixable pieces.
Never stop living...x

Offline Don

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13320
  • Murder & mayhem for fun and profit.
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #635 on: December 11, 2008, 10:03:06 PM »
Reddsh - You used the word seat twice in the same sentence.

Mr. Handsome, [Redundant.  You state that he's the best looking man.] Tthat seat better not be taken, thought Kaylin Jansen as she eyed her desired the seat: the one next to the best-looking young man on the train.

Same wording but smoother.  If Mr. Handsome is her pet name for some guy she doesn't know, you can work it in later.
I have a motto: when in doubt, go for the cheap laugh.

Offline reddsh

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 194
  • Cute but Jaded
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #636 on: December 11, 2008, 11:35:24 PM »
Don86usa,

Thank you for your critique.  :)  Mr. Handsome is in fact the character name (a minor character), so that will remain.  But thank you for the other corrections, they are much appreciated.

How is this for a rewrite (plus the rest of the paragraph):

Mr. Handsome, that better not be taken, thought Kaylin Jansen as she eyed the seat next to the best-looking young man on the train.  His bleached blond hair and oversized sunglasses grabbed her attention immediately.  It was a relatively short ride to the center of Philadelphia, but she was going to make every minute worth it.
« Last Edit: December 11, 2008, 11:39:09 PM by reddsh »
The author gets to choose when the story is finally dead. ~Castledoor

Offline Ginge1388

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 10
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #637 on: December 12, 2008, 04:52:49 AM »
Hi, Just found this topic :)

Is this any good?

----------

Owyn ran his fingers through his mousey brown hair as yawned. According to the alarm clock on his bedside table it was half past seven. Just five more minutes he thought to himself as he rolled over. He had been having an amazing dream about distant lands, strange people and magic.

----------

Dave.

Lin

  • Guest
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #638 on: December 12, 2008, 05:23:03 AM »
Owyn ran his fingers through his mousey brown hair as yawned. According to the alarm clock on his bedside table it was half past seven. Just five more minutes he thought to himself as he rolled over. He had been having an amazing dream about distant lands, strange people and magic.


Owyn ran his fingers through his mousy hair.  He yawned and looked at the clock "My God its half past seven already" Just five more minutes. He closed his eyes and rolled over. Still dazed from an amazing dream he returned his thoughts to distant lands, strange people and magic.

How about this version?  Im trying to practice show and not tell here - I'm doing this for me too!!

I still think this could have more impact if you put in more about who Owyn is. Perhaps what he was or wasn't wearing in bed.   Did he not want to get out of bed because he was cold ? Why didn't the alarm clock go off?  What did the alarm clock sound like - did it wake him too quickly out of his dream.

Just some ideas

Lin x x x x x

Lin x x
« Last Edit: December 12, 2008, 05:25:21 AM by Orangutansaver »

Offline thatollie

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1444
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #639 on: December 20, 2008, 11:31:33 PM »
Either shorten this or start with something bigger.
Have him wherever he's supposed to go when he wakes up, and then thrust him as quickly as possible into the magical adventure he'll no doubt have.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline PretzelGirl

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1427
  • the exquisite corpse shall drink new wine
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #640 on: December 21, 2008, 05:06:25 AM »
Here's mine:

The water bubbled over the rocks and over Aodhan’s bloody hands. He immersed them deeper until the water washed away the substance, creating pink foam before it dispersed away downstream. He rubbed one hand over the other, enjoying the coolness of the liquid and the varying pressures and speeds at which it flowed.

thanks!
I'd review others, but it's already been done for the latest posts.
Smoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas!
- A. J. Rimmer, Red Dwarf

Offline ma100

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 30526
  • I don't need kinky boots, nothing will beat me.
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #641 on: December 21, 2008, 07:11:21 AM »

The water bubbled over the rocks and over Aodhan’s bloody hands. He immersed them deeper until the water washed away the substance, creating pink foam before it dispersed away downstream. He rubbed one hand over the other, enjoying the coolness of the liquid and the varying pressures and speeds at which it flowed. [/b]

Just a suggestion feel free to ignore me. I don't think you need 'The' on the first sentence. I also think you need a bit of a reword to get rid of two following sentences starting with 'He'.  Perhaps another word for one of the 'water' maybe torrent. ??? Maybe just ...coolness of the flowing stream, sea, ocean or whatever.

Not good at this sort of thing but hope it helps and not hinders.
I would read more.
Ma :)

Offline fire-fly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 97903
  • Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #642 on: December 21, 2008, 07:48:37 AM »
The water bubbled over the rocks and over Aodhan’s bloody hands. He Immersing them deeper until the water washed away the substance, creating pink foam before it dispersed away downstream. He rubbed one hand over the other, enjoying the coolness of the liquid and the varying pressures and speeds at which it flowed.

Maybe something like above?
I'm A Binge Thinker: Do It A Lot Somedays, Then Not Much At All.

Don't take life too seriously, none of us get out of it alive. >:D


twisted wheel

  • Guest
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #643 on: December 21, 2008, 08:18:57 AM »
Jose De Rosa ran from school, satchel swinging freely from his shoulder and shirt tied around his waist. He wore just a plain white vest to allow his body to breathe in the summer heat. No more school. Now he was a young man and could do what he wanted. A smile crept across his face as he turned towards the school building for one last look.

Offline fire-fly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 97903
  • Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #644 on: December 21, 2008, 02:54:46 PM »
Hey Wheeler,

I like this, makes me want to read more mate. Now I want to know what he has planned for the future.  ;D ;D After the sentence 'No more school.' would it be better to use a ; rather than a . do you think or am I way off with the use of this cute little thing?  ???

Liked it anyway mate.  ;D
I'm A Binge Thinker: Do It A Lot Somedays, Then Not Much At All.

Don't take life too seriously, none of us get out of it alive. >:D