Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 765392 times)

Offline cheriker

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« Reply #105 on: July 30, 2006, 07:10:07 PM »
Cheri,

It was great seeing your opening posted by Barb. Just reminded me how much I enjoyed your hook! Can't wait to read the entire piece once you complete the short story version. Best of luck!!

Kris  :)

Thanks, Kris.  I'll try to get it up as soon as I can.

Offline aellaholcomb

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« Reply #106 on: July 31, 2006, 02:54:34 AM »
First Lineers:Aella
   
    I hadn't expected the goodbyes to be so hard. After all, I'd been waiting for this departure for years.

    Mother followed  me around the house crying. "You'll be home by Christmas, you won't like it up there with all those Yankees."

    I never could look my mother straight in the eye after what had happened between us. So, I looked carefully over her shoulder and said coldly, "I want this, Mother. I'll love it."

Offline Barbe

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« Reply #107 on: July 31, 2006, 08:28:47 AM »
Quote
First Lineers:Aella
   
    I hadn't expected the goodbyes to be so hard. After all, I'd been waiting for this departure for years.

    Mother followed  me around the house crying. "You'll be home by Christmas, you won't like it up there with all those Yankees."

    I never could look my mother straight in the eye after what had happened between us. So, I looked carefully over her shoulder and said coldly, "I want this, Mother. I'll love it."


Hi Aella,

Your first lines certainly catch my attention, and they are well-written. I'm wondering if her cold expression to her mother is in conflict with the first line, "goodbyes to be so hard" or if it is a cover for her emotions, and it really is hard for her to say goodbye. I'm hoping for the latter, but I'll just have to wait for the rest of the story. I look forward to it.

Barb

Every life has a story -- some can be written, others sung. But some must be painted.

Offline Barbe

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« Reply #108 on: July 31, 2006, 11:42:41 AM »
 Most of what I have been reading on this site is fiction. Since I write non-fiction, am I in the wrong circle of writers? I'm hoping not, because I'm having fun here....

This is the beginning of a personal essay.

Every life has a story to tell. Some can be told in words, some in music. And some must be captured in picture because words cannot reach the depths and reveal them as a painting can.

Thatís what I do. I paint the stories.
   
I havenít always, however.

As a young mom, I found pieces of the day when I could...


I stopped here for the word count. Please advise on the fiction/non-fiction issue. Thanks.

Barb
Every life has a story -- some can be written, others sung. But some must be painted.

Offline aellaholcomb

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« Reply #109 on: July 31, 2006, 12:29:13 PM »
Barb,
I may be wrong, but I think a Personal Essay is by its nature non-fiction. You are writing your thoughts. Fiction usually fits in a form with pretty specific rules. Like the rules for short story or novel. The short story much, much more difficult to do, I think, cause it's like a poem. Each sentence, word must work. In a novel there is more room for sway like a giant bridge has that sway capacity built into it.
  Seems to me the persons who come to this site write a lot of different things and anyone is welcome.
  For what it's worth. In my life I have probably written hundreds of personal essays.
  I think I did this cause I needed to write and didn't really (I thought I did) know how to write short story or novel or think I could competently enough to market.
  But there are few markets for such essays. I sold two when I lived in Boston, ages ago, when their Sunday magazine had a section called "IN Personal Terms" and was open for this. I think the periodical out of N>C>, THE SUN, also does some personal essays.
  I've begun thinking that writing without putting it out, is probably bad for a person, unless sthey have a really clear reason for why they are chosing to write and not attempt to publish in some form.
  I think (most people) write because they have to and because they want to be read. So, to write and not put out, as, I said, I did for years, builds up a feeling of "what I'm doing is not the real thing."
    Aella

Offline Barbe

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« Reply #110 on: July 31, 2006, 12:54:58 PM »
Thanks Aella. I posted this beginning of my essay as a First-Liner, hoping to get some response to it.

I know essays are non-fiction, and they can be submitted in many places -- thanks for the suggestion of looking at newspaper special sections though. I hadn't thought about that. But none of that matters if no one likes what I write. My posting "I Dance Alone" is also non-fiction.

I'm hoping there are other personal essay writers out there.

Thanks for taking the time to write to me.

Barb

Every life has a story -- some can be written, others sung. But some must be painted.

Offline Kris

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« Reply #111 on: July 31, 2006, 02:13:43 PM »
First Lineers:Aella
   
    I hadn't expected the goodbyes to be so hard. After all, I'd been waiting for this departure for years.

    Mother followed  me around the house crying. "You'll be home by Christmas, you won't like it up there with all those Yankees."

    I never could look my mother straight in the eye after what had happened between us. So, I looked carefully over her shoulder and said coldly, "I want this, Mother. I'll love it."

Aella,

I completely agree with Barb. I love your opening, pulled me right in. The same concern hit me, however, about what seems to be conflicting statements - the goodbyes being hard vs. the cold remark to the mother. Otherwise, enjoyed it!

Kris

Offline Kris

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« Reply #112 on: July 31, 2006, 02:15:09 PM »
Every life has a story to tell. Some can be told in words, some in music. And some must be captured in picture because words cannot reach the depths and reveal them as a painting can.

Thatís what I do. I paint the stories.
   
I havenít always, however.

As a young mom, I found pieces of the day when I could...


Hi Barb,

I love the opening. I would certainly keep reading....

Kris  :)

Sir Nigel

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« Reply #113 on: August 01, 2006, 09:01:51 AM »
Hows about this for an opening line -

Anyone with a less refined air of unabashed insouciance would not have been able to so easily slip through the security cordon, charm their way past the armed guards, breeze through the marbled reception area and blithely enter the inner sanctum of the UN Security Council and there successfully negotiate an end to all conflict in the Middle East, but that was the sort of man Nigel Simpkins was.

Sadly that's all there is. But phew eh? Only another 150,000 words to go.


Sir Nigel
 :P

Offline Amie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #114 on: August 01, 2006, 09:12:43 AM »
Anyone with a less refined air of unabashed insouciance would not have been able to so easily slip so easily through the security cordon, charm their way past the armed guards, breeze through the marbled reception area, and blithely enter the inner sanctum of the UN Security Council and there successfully negotiate an end to all conflict in the Middle East, but that was the sort of man Nigel Simpkins was.

I get that it's humour ;)

Little nitpick -- see teeny edits above
« Last Edit: August 01, 2006, 09:19:06 AM by Saturnine »
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka

Offline Gltagaman

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« Reply #115 on: August 07, 2006, 09:12:02 AM »
Hi Barbe

Many thanks for your suggestion of the opening of Farandole for three. If I take this up it will allow me to bring in the former comrade Luther more readily.

I'll send you an update soon. I am currently revising all twentythree chapters ofhe novel.

Thanks

Geoff
Have Thinkpad will write

Offline kilter

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« Reply #116 on: August 07, 2006, 10:41:36 AM »
Mara's Flame by Kilter

You can call a dragon anything you like, but it will still be a dragon. They are big, they breathe fire and they can eat an awful lot.
-I can't tolerate fools, most likely because I am one.
-Writing is a long winding road, but every curve has its worthwhile view!

Offline Hino Naoto

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #117 on: August 07, 2006, 04:55:48 PM »
As if in a daze, Jessica started to cross the street. A car swerved to avoid hitting her, and the man inside yelled, where the hell is you brain lady?!

That was a fair enough question she thought. Her brain? Her brain had been happily occupied thinking back to last weeks sucsess. She rememberd the glow she felt as her boss told her she was being promoted.

--------------
ok not the best, but its the first thing ive really ever written.
Screw trying to be perfect! Its more fun to make mistakes!

Nadine L

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« Reply #118 on: August 07, 2006, 05:48:13 PM »
Hino,

First ever?  Really? Pretty good for a first effort.  You have punctuation issues, but for the next 60 days, I am the reigning monarch of punctuation issues. (Don't ask?)

The one thing I would suggest is to be less hesitant.  Rather than, "As if in a daze" just go for it and say she is in a daze.  It is less of a passive voice.

I like your idea of scene, how about this?

Jessica wandered into the street in a daze. Tires screeched, a horn honked, and the man in the car that had swerved to avoid hitting her yelled, "Where the hell is your brain, lady?"

That is still rough, since I don't write in third person voice.  Maybe someone else will pick up the ball and give you a better example.

Keep going, you're off to a good start. Editing is a long way down the road.  Enjoy creating the story.

Nadine
« Last Edit: August 07, 2006, 05:51:00 PM by Nadine L »

Offline aellaholcomb

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« Reply #119 on: August 07, 2006, 09:32:14 PM »
Kilter,
Like your first lines. I would read on.
In first you refer to dragon in singular "it." Then in second go to plural of "they." For what that weighty insight is worth.

I'm curious. Is this a children's story or or or. It could be so many things. I like the line.
aella