Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 778913 times)

Offline Foxy

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #600 on: September 11, 2008, 04:40:51 AM »

It makes me want to read more, Foxy :) The only change I can suggest is a slight change of punctuation:

His oversized ears, eyes, and shiny red nose were nothing unusual either. But, one thing about Geno made him different to his neighbours: for a cartoon he could be a real bastard.


Thanks for the encouraging comment, luvwriting, and for the suggestion about the punctuation, however, I think I'll leave it the way it is.


Thanks for your comment too, Ma. I'm glad you liked it.

My novel, Trinity, available from Amazon.
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Offline J-me

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #601 on: September 11, 2008, 10:10:22 AM »
Thanks luvwriting

I appreciate your comment on my first liner.

J-me
Best childhood memories and humor make everything feel better.
 http://masonbricklin.net/childhood-memories

Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #602 on: November 10, 2008, 04:10:15 AM »
The dim light in the restaurant gave my date a mystical, smoky look. I could see the waiter bringing my peppered steak when someone shot me. Shame, I was really hungry.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline celtic_dancer

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #603 on: November 12, 2008, 11:10:22 PM »
The dim light in the restaurant gave my date a mystical, smoky look. I could see the waiter bringing my peppered steak when someone shot me. Shame, I was really hungry.

This is fantastic; I'd read it ;D

Offline celtic_dancer

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #604 on: November 12, 2008, 11:20:45 PM »
"Fire!" he screamed, "Fire!"

He ran throughout the building, catching his foot on dislodged rubble in his haste. As he fell for the umpteenth time, he was filled with the certainty that, however hard he tried, he would not leave this building. He would remain here, lying in some deserted hallway, the charred remains of the walls his coffin.

Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #605 on: November 13, 2008, 01:36:00 AM »
I like yours too, it's got a lot of pop.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline sonofdenis

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #606 on: November 13, 2008, 01:39:17 AM »
My favourite opening line has to be The Crow road...

Quote
It was the day my grandmother exploded.

but it goes on...

Quote
I sat in the crematorium, listening to my Uncle Hamish quietly snoring in harmony to Bach's Mass in B Minor, and I reflected that it always seemed to be death that drew me back to Gallanach

Just brilliant.

This is one of my ideas...

Things started to go wrong for me when I locked Katy Marks in my office for 3 hours.

Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #607 on: November 13, 2008, 01:41:28 AM »
Quote
Things started to go wrong for me when I locked Katy Marks in my office for 3 hours.
I'd be interested in seeing where you go with this.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline sonofdenis

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #608 on: November 13, 2008, 01:47:18 AM »
It's a line that appears later in the opening chapter of this post http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=17516.0 and if I have the balls I may even make it the opening line.  :o

Offline celtic_dancer

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #609 on: November 13, 2008, 02:10:39 AM »
I like yours too, it's got a lot of pop.

cheers, mate

hobbitlan

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #610 on: November 13, 2008, 01:20:27 PM »
Wow - Such a great topic!

This is the opening 50 words of a memoir I am writing about my father.

Working title: "Mass for the Dead"

---

Like moss covering the scattered bones of long-dead corpses, my fatherís death settled over me. No more abusive outbursts, no more drunken ravings. Just a blessed end to the social incontinence by which this man, once the heroic measure by which I judged all men, had come to be known.

 

Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #611 on: November 13, 2008, 01:57:02 PM »
I've added another line to the lines I posted a few days ago.

The dim light in the restaurant gave my date a mystical, smoky look. I could see the waiter bringing my peppered steak when someone shot me. Shame, I was really hungry. If I hadn't reached for another piece of bread, my brains would've ruined her Couture dress.
Never make a decision standing up.

ROFL

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #612 on: November 14, 2008, 06:09:34 PM »
Quote
The dim light in the restaurant gave my date a mystical, smoky look. I could see the waiter bringing my peppered steak when someone shot me. Shame, I was really hungry.

Good one!


Quote
The dim light in the restaurant gave my date a mystical, smoky look. I could see the waiter bringing my peppered steak when someone shot me. Shame, I was really hungry. If I hadn't reached for another piece of bread, my brains would've ruined her Couture dress
.

Nah, not so good cos now youve got two hooklines. Might work if you deleted the earlier one: shame I was really hungry.



Rod :D

Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #613 on: November 15, 2008, 01:44:50 AM »
I'll catch it in the second draft.
Never make a decision standing up.

ROFL

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #614 on: November 15, 2008, 07:08:47 AM »
Quote
Like moss covering the scattered bones of long-dead corpses, my fatherís death settled over me. No more abusive outbursts, no more drunken ravings. Just a blessed end to the social incontinence by which this man, once the heroic measure by which I judged all men, had come to be known.


Are blessed end to the social incontinence and once the heroic measure by which I judged all men two of your darlings?
It starts with a good similie. Then its straightforward enough. But then gets a bit dense with those two darlings. It looks like your trying too hard.
Dont know if thats any use. Just my thoughts on it, so feel free to ignore them.


Rod :D