Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 766060 times)

Offline Kris

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 23
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #90 on: July 28, 2006, 03:15:02 PM »
Great! Love it!  :)

Offline wileygrrl

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 394
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #91 on: July 28, 2006, 09:04:11 PM »

Here is my first two paragraphs. Interestingly enough, i had to editt to get it down to 75 words which I think improved it.

I am curious to see the rreviews.

Out Of Habit

     Life was good for me. Life was exciting.  My secret was: I had luck. No matter how bad something was  I had managed to turn it around. For me, life was a state of mind and my mind was positive, strong and determined.
     I was in control; but, as luck would have it, I was thirty-eight and I was alone, the one glitch I hadn’t been able to control.
Find a career you love and you'll never work a day in your life.

I don't work. I write.
                   Jennifer Elizabeth McDonald

Offline wileygrrl

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 394
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #92 on: July 28, 2006, 09:36:35 PM »
I am ready to cut my wrists. I have written this review three times and managed to loose it.  I am legally blind and can't figure out how to use the Quote function. Additionally, i don't know how to increase the font size.  Please excuse my errors.  If anyone cares to guide me, it would be greatly appreciated.

Anyway, here is my review of the following first liner:

The setting sun streamed through a thin canopy of colored leaves, giving the illusion of warmth.  Shartanian eagerly anticipated each icy breath.  Surely life couldn’t get any better than this.

The prose are nice but it didn't grab me aas a reader. I read in "Stein on Writing" by Sol Stein, a noted editor, that new writers think they must use adjectives to paint a picture. The problem is that a reader gets lost in all the verbage and may not see the point.  In the above paragraph, i found, "Shartanian eagerly anticipated each icy breat" a stronger opening.

Mark Twain is quoted as saying: "if you catch an adjective, kill it."  Sol Stein says to liposuctionthe adjectives and adverbs.  Use them sparingly. I have tried it and am amazed how right they are. 

Please understand that i know this is MY OPINION ONLY.  I am not published. I am a wannabe that, like all of you, beleives i can make it.

Oh, by the way, am i supposed to make my review short and succinct. I can if that is the protocal here.
Find a career you love and you'll never work a day in your life.

I don't work. I write.
                   Jennifer Elizabeth McDonald

Offline wileygrrl

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 394
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #93 on: July 28, 2006, 09:50:16 PM »

Here is my review:

Jennifer Jones sit's in her bedroom with a gallon of Vodka, her prescription of sleeping pills and some barbituates she wonder if it's enough to do the job, she has been doing this same routine for a year now. Wishing she has the nerve to take her own life, like she took life of her unborn child who was living and growing in her womb.

I totally agree with a previous reviewer that suggested the past tense. I also suggest you change up your sentences a bit: Consider

Her prescription of sleeping pills and some barbituates at her bedside, JenniferJones sat on her bed with a gallon of vodka.  Was it enough to finally do the job?  . .

I think your story sounds very interesting, it just needs to have the punch that will grab the reader.

Hope this helped. I feel . . . kind of strange criticizing another's work when i have never been published.

Jennifer McDonald

Find a career you love and you'll never work a day in your life.

I don't work. I write.
                   Jennifer Elizabeth McDonald

Offline wileygrrl

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 394
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #94 on: July 28, 2006, 09:55:17 PM »
Damn, i think i reviewed your posting before. I must say that i think your first paragraph is super strong.  I love it. I want to read more.  If your book is as strong as the first paragraph, i think you will be published, if you aren't already.

I am striving to have my work flow as yours does.  Your style is similar to what i strive for but i believe i told you that before.  As for suggestions to improve it, i bow to you.  I have none.

'I had settled, I knew that.  I wasn't stupid, but where the hell was that punch in the chest, the melting of my limbs?.  All the films said that when you were least expecting it, he would appear and you wouldn't even know he would be the one for you, the one who's kiss would take your breathe away, would leave you begging for more.  Hell, I hate Hollywood!!' 
Find a career you love and you'll never work a day in your life.

I don't work. I write.
                   Jennifer Elizabeth McDonald

DwWin

  • Guest
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #95 on: July 29, 2006, 07:38:25 AM »
Thanks Nadine L and Kris you've made me look at it from a new angle, back to the desk!!

Offline Barbe

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 70
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #96 on: July 29, 2006, 02:41:48 PM »
Quote
Caitlin felt the dream long before it appeared; felt it but, as always, was powerless to stop it. Her heart began to pound, blood rushing through veins and arteries at an alarming rate. She struggled to wake. But the only thing her desperate thrashing served to do was tie her up more firmly in the sheets until in the end, her body, like her mind, was caught and held in the dream’s rigid grasp.

It began, as it always did, with a face in a mirror. Her face!

CATHY C

Where's the rest of the book, Cathy? I love this! Feel it! My body is tangled in the sheets, my mind caught in the dream's web.

If I read this on the first page of a book, I'd buy it, head to the nearest coffee shop, and plunck down into a cushy club chair in a corner -- hot mocha in one hand, your book in the other. Keep writing, please!

Barb
Every life has a story -- some can be written, others sung. But some must be painted.

Offline Barbe

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 70
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #97 on: July 29, 2006, 03:14:09 PM »
Quote
chillies


What could have drove Frank Webster over the edge? A mild mannered person, content with his work and respected by many. Yet here, in the garage of his home, he stands over the lifeless body of his wife Sheila, with bloodied knife still in his hand.  Motionless, he contemplates their years of married life and the events that led up to this very second whilst her blood stains the newly re-laid grey cement flooring.

The second sentence grabs me more than the first. It sets up the reader for the conflicting parts of this character. What could cause a mild-mannered, respectable mainstream guy to kill his wife? Obviously, from what you've written, the story will focus on his figuring that all out.

Would you consider starting more like this?

Frank Webster was a mild-mannered person, content with his work and respected by many. Yet here he stood, stock-still, staring at the lifeless form of his wife Sheila lying in her own blood on the hard grey floor of their garage. Dazed, he glanced at the knife in his hand and wondered, What went wrong? Confusing images ran through his mind, and he watched their years of married life, the events that had led to this --- this what? Hatred? Is that what he felt? How long had he hated Sheila? What had pushed him over the edge?

Your word picture is a strong one, one that hooks me. I love thrillers. Keep writing!
Barb
Every life has a story -- some can be written, others sung. But some must be painted.

Offline Barbe

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 70
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #98 on: July 29, 2006, 03:47:16 PM »
Quote
Quote from: Gltagaman on July 18, 2006, 07:30:30 PM
An extract from my revised first chapter:

A FARANDOLE FOR THREE

The June sunbeams coursed through the leaves of the ancient oak trees, whose branches almost formed a canopy over the lane, projecting a dappled pattern on the bonnet of the red Peugeot. I drove with my former comrade, Luther Pawnov besides me. That pattern took me back to those shadows of the same trees cast by the moonbeams on the bonnet of the grey Kubelwagen nearly fifty years before.

Comments

Geoff

Hi Geoff,

I just read your submission and a few of the critiques, and I'd like to offer another rewording of your wonderful prose. I don't have a problem with seeing a setting before the action starts, so I was taken -- especially with the dappled pattern formed by light through the oak. Beautiful! I reworded it this way:

The June sunbeams coursed through the leaves of the ancient oak trees, whose branches rose and dipped like a canopy across the lane. A dappled pattern of lights and shadows played on the bonnet of my red Peugeot, taking me back fifty years, when those same trees -- smaller then -- allowed the moonbeams to play those same patterns on the bonnet of a grey Kubelwagen.

My former comrade, Luther Pawnov rode beside me now.
(Like then? Unlike then?)

A wonderful beginning, I think. Sounds like a story to follow, one I'd like to read. Hope you are writing it.

Barb
Every life has a story -- some can be written, others sung. But some must be painted.

Offline Barbe

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 70
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #99 on: July 29, 2006, 03:52:33 PM »
Quote
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #43 on: July 20, 2006, 03:28:52 PM »   

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OK, here's mine.  Be firm but kind.


It was not the sort of day one would imagine for a funeral.  The sky should have been heavy with clouds.  It should have been pouring rain.  Instead, the morning sky was a clear, China blue, a hue that could only be found in Carolina in the early spring.  How was it possible to bury her father on such a radiant day?

But then no one besides Emma knew he'd been murdered.



Cheri


Cheri, I'm hooked! I related to the first paragraph and kept reading -- it is wonderfully written! But the second one grabbed my attention right now! Hope you're writing this story. It will be another "escape to the coffee shop and read" book.

Barb
Every life has a story -- some can be written, others sung. But some must be painted.

Offline cheriker

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 16
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #100 on: July 29, 2006, 04:49:36 PM »

Cheri, I'm hooked! I related to the first paragraph and kept reading -- it is wonderfully written! But the second one grabbed my attention right now! Hope you're writing this story. It will be another "escape to the coffee shop and read" book.

Barb

Thanks, Barb.  I am working on it right now.  Ostensibly this belongs in the prologue of a much longer work, but I am working on a re-write to use the prologue as a short story submission.  I'll post it for review when I have it semi-ready for commentary.

Thanks again for the comment.

Cheri

Offline Barbe

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 70
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #101 on: July 29, 2006, 04:53:32 PM »
Quote
Thanks, Barb.  I am working on it right now.  Ostensibly this belongs in the prologue of a much longer work, but I am working on a re-write to use the prologue as a short story submission.  I'll post it for review when I have it semi-ready for commentary.

Thanks again for the comment.

Cheri

You're welcome. I'll look forward to the short story submission!

Barb
Every life has a story -- some can be written, others sung. But some must be painted.

Offline Kris

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 23
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #102 on: July 30, 2006, 03:49:43 AM »
Cheri,

It was great seeing your opening posted by Barb. Just reminded me how much I enjoyed your hook! Can't wait to read the entire piece once you complete the short story version. Best of luck!!

Kris  :)

Offline ChipTee

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 136
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #103 on: July 30, 2006, 08:26:18 AM »
Only just seen this long running thread.

This is the opening of my wip novel REQUIEM FOR PRIVATE HUGHES

A tropical downpour was certain by mid afternoon. In the morning heat he’d forced himself to get on with routine; no one else wanted to do anything constructive in the sticky air, they wanted to lie about and wait. Sweat ran off them all, even when they lay on their cots doing nothing. Archie sat looking along the stifling barrack tent, tinkering with his sketch, wishing it wasn’t a rest day.

Chip

Offline cheriker

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 16
Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #104 on: July 30, 2006, 07:07:13 PM »
Only just seen this long running thread.

This is the opening of my wip novel REQUIEM FOR PRIVATE HUGHES

A tropical downpour was certain by mid afternoon. In the morning heat he’d forced himself to get on with routine; no one else wanted to do anything constructive in the sticky air, they wanted to lie about and wait. Sweat ran off them all, even when they lay on their cots doing nothing. Archie sat looking along the stifling barrack tent, tinkering with his sketch, wishing it wasn’t a rest day.

Chip

Chip, I really liked this.  Reminded me of my own military days as it really captured the feeling you get on those few days when the government doesn't have every moment crammed with stuff to keep you busy.  It really put me in the moment and I really liked the construction of the prose.

Cheri