Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 778029 times)

Offline Andrewf

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #585 on: September 02, 2008, 03:40:49 PM »
Found another one that's languished just as long...   :-\


The late summer day’s sun warmed the sleepy afternoon from a cloudless blue sky while Jostan took time out of his busy schedule to relax in the peaceful surroundings of his gardens. He knelt on the close cropped grass beside the fragrant herb beds, pulling out the sparse weeds and tending to the herbs with unhurried motions. The drowsy buzzing of large honeybees was the only sound accompanying Jostan as he gently weeded the soil between the plants, and trimmed them where needed.
He was dressed in plain brown work clothes stained with hard use, and in truth he looked more like one of the garden staff than the King doing his best to forget about his upcoming betrothal. His betrothal to Princess Orlinia, daughter of King Ulrich of the West Country, as a foundation of an alliance of their two kingdoms.
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

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Orpheus

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #586 on: September 02, 2008, 03:49:05 PM »
 I see.... You know a lot about.... space and stuff..... 8) I'm thinking one of us needs to get out more. Besides, I've got a vacuum in my house and it makes loads of noise. ???

Offline Andrewf

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #587 on: September 02, 2008, 03:53:47 PM »
I see.... You know a lot about.... space and stuff..... 8) I'm thinking one of us needs to get out more. Besides, I've got a vacuum in my house and it makes loads of noise. ???

LOL  I am a mad scientist ;D   I should know about space and "stuff"  ;D
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luvwriting

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #588 on: September 02, 2008, 06:33:33 PM »
An interesting start to a novel, Andrew. At the end of it I was caught between two visions. One of a retired bank? manager weeding his nicely manicured herb garden - the close cropped grass, in particular, made me think of ride-on lawn mowers - and the second, rather incongruous, image of a Medieval king weeding a boarder.
I honestly can't tell you if a publisher would want to read on or not, so I'm afraid my comments are probably not of any use to you.


luvwriting
« Last Edit: September 02, 2008, 07:05:56 PM by luvwriting »

Offline Andrewf

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #589 on: September 03, 2008, 11:35:56 AM »
An interesting start to a novel, Andrew. At the end of it I was caught between two visions. One of a retired bank? manager weeding his nicely manicured herb garden - the close cropped grass, in particular, made me think of ride-on lawn mowers - and the second, rather incongruous, image of a Medieval king weeding a boarder.
I honestly can't tell you if a publisher would want to read on or not, so I'm afraid my comments are probably not of any use to you.


luvwriting

Thanks luvwriting ;D

What about the SciFi one I posted a little earlier?
http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=3138.msg216107#msg216107
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

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luvwriting

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #590 on: September 03, 2008, 12:47:03 PM »
Oh, you've put me on the spot now :) Ok, (deep breath):

The image of the spaceship docking, set the scene very well. I know up front that this is SF.

Um, now the bad news.

Quote
He watched the shuttle bay doors slide smoothly aside before him, and then deftly nudged the pod into the bay with small movements of the controls before he engaged the docking clamps to hold it securely.

With a sigh of released tension, he unstrapped himself from his seat and floated free for a moment before guiding himself over to the airlock and beginning its cycle. 


These two sentences are a bit long. For the first paragraph I would prefer to see shorter sentences to set a pace that will sweep me into the story, before slowing down and settling into a steady rhythum.

I found myself balking a little when I reached the last few words of the final sentence:

Quote
...and remembered how he had joined the project eight years before.


At this point I'm thinking I'm in for a lecture full of facts which I'm going to have to try to remember because they are sure to be important to the plot.
You've done something similar on the other novel opening:

Quote
His betrothal to Princess Orlinia, daughter of King Ulrich of the West Country, as a foundation of an alliance of their two kingdoms.

- that is a lot of information to swallow in one chunk.

Instead, in the opening paragraphs, I'd prefer to be asking myself "why's he done that?"; "What's going to happen next?"; "Where's he going"; "Who's that?"....questions that will keep me reading to find out the answers. 

Um, hope that helps.  :-\


luvwriting
« Last Edit: September 03, 2008, 01:23:34 PM by luvwriting »

Offline Andrewf

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #591 on: September 03, 2008, 03:57:54 PM »
Yes thanks, luvwriting.

Those two particular stories have sat in my slushpile for a long time...   they really need dusting off and giving a good edit before they see the light of day... ;D   that was when i was trying to fill every sentance with shining prose... and failing miserably ;D
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Offline Foxy

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #592 on: September 10, 2008, 12:40:13 PM »
Geno stood about three-feet-tall, pretty average for this part of town. His oversized ears, eyes, and shiny red nose were nothing unusual either, but one thing about Geno made him different to his neighbours … for a cartoon he could be a real bastard.
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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #593 on: September 10, 2008, 01:24:47 PM »
Geno stood about three-feet-tall, pretty average for this part of town. His oversized ears, eyes, and shiny red nose were nothing unusual either, but one thing about Geno made him different to his neighbours ... for a cartoon he could be a real bastard.


It makes me want to read more, Foxy :) The only change I can suggest is a slight change of punctuation:

His oversized ears, eyes, and shiny red nose were nothing unusual either. But, one thing about Geno made him different to his neighbours: for a cartoon he could be a real bastard.



luvwriting

Offline Matt Walker

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #594 on: September 10, 2008, 03:40:14 PM »
Here's the start of one of my novels:


‘You don’t have to drive so fast, Frank.’ Tanya Barrotti shot her husband a reproachful look.
 
   Frank Barrotti didn’t make any sign that he’d heard. He gripped the steering wheel, knuckles glinting bone-white, mouth drawn in a kind of sly grin. Rain thundered against the windscreen.
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Offline ma100

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #595 on: September 10, 2008, 03:52:36 PM »
Geno stood about three-feet-tall, pretty average for this part of town. His oversized ears, eyes, and shiny red nose were nothing unusual either, but one thing about Geno made him different to his neighbours … for a cartoon he could be a real bastard.

Foxy
It has got me hooked :)

Offline SunshineX

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #596 on: September 10, 2008, 04:15:59 PM »
Walkio,
  I thought that the description was a little dramatic ("knuckles glinting bone-white...") in contrast to Tanya's rather mild statement. From the way you describe Frank I would have expected her to scream something at him rather than shoot a "reproachful look". Also, I don't think that you should say that Frank's knuckles were "glinting" white. To me, "glint" sounds like a sparkle, or a quick flash of light, like something metallic, unless of course he is an android!

Offline J-me

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #597 on: September 10, 2008, 05:07:11 PM »
The bases were loaded.  I stepped into the batter's box.

"Whoa!  A pudgy munchkin!" the catcher yelled.

"What's your problem?" I asked.

"Your coach must be hard up for clean up batters to use a chubby runt like you."

"Watch and take notes, Buffalo Breath," I replied.
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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #598 on: September 10, 2008, 05:29:37 PM »
Here's the start of one of my novels:


‘You don’t have to drive so fast, Frank.’ Tanya Barrotti shot her husband a reproachful look.
 
   Frank Barrotti didn’t make any sign that he’d heard. He gripped the steering wheel, knuckles glinting bone-white, mouth drawn in a kind of sly grin. Rain thundered against the windscreen.


I agree with creativechemist, Frank's reaction is a little over dramatic in the circumstances.
I would suggest picking one description out of the 'bone-white knuckles', 'sly grin', or 'thundering rain', to go with 'gripped the steering wheel'.


luvwriting

luvwriting

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #599 on: September 10, 2008, 05:31:51 PM »
The bases were loaded.  I stepped into the batter's box.

"Whoa!  A pudgy munchkin!" the catcher yelled.

"What's your problem?" I asked.

"Your coach must be hard up for clean up batters to use a chubby runt like you."

"Watch and take notes, Buffalo Breath," I replied.

Good one :) although I wasn't sure what 'clean up batters' meant. How about just having "Your coach must be hard up to use a chubby runt like you." on that line?


luvwriting