First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?

[jordanofengland]

Sounds good Uni Girl. Sort of grabbing.

Here's my effort..

So I'm dead. Sucks really. But it's not like I didn't deserve it, well, that's what some people say anyway. I'll get them back though, let me show you how.




Whatcha think?

[University Girl]

Hi Jordy

Like it, death and destruction will follow!!  Please write more, this could be a great story.

[Jillanne Nehls]

Okay I'll try

'I had settled, I knew that.  I wasn't stupid, but where the hell was that punch in the chest, the melting of my limbs?.  All the films said that when you were least expecting it, he would appear and you wouldn't even know he would be the one for you, the one who's kiss would take your breathe away, would leave you begging for more.  Hell, I hate Hollywood!!' 

U. Girl - perfect!  I need to know what he'd settled on, who "he" is, why is he disappointed. I would definately want to read more. Well, I want more NOW. Is this a story?

Jillanne
ps Used to be JKimble

[Writers Block]

Okay I'll try

'I had settled, I knew that.  I wasn't stupid, but where the hell was that punch in the chest, the melting of my limbs?.  All the films said that when you were least expecting it, he would appear and you wouldn't even know he would be the one for you, the one who's kiss would take your breathe away, would leave you begging for more.  Hell, I hate Hollywood!!' 

It's good UG.

Tells us what to expect, but in an exciting way, finishes humourously too.  I'd put 'Hell, I hate Hollywood!!' on a new line, and delete a '!'

[Writers Block]

Sounds good Uni Girl. Sort of grabbing.

Here's my effort..

So I'm dead. Sucks really. But it's not like I didn't deserve it, well, that's what some people say anyway. I'll get them back though, let me show you how.

Whatcha think?

'So I'm dead. Sucks really. But it's not like I didn't deserve it, well, that's what some people say anyway.'

good opening.

'I'll get them back though, let me show you how.' - think this needs work - somehow it was kind of what I expected after reading the opening.  Make it less predictable, and it would carry more weight. IMO. Although what you say is very short and snappy.

perhaps something like:

So I'm dead. Some would say I deserved it, still sucks regardless.  What really happened is this, oh, I get my revenge from beyond the grave too...


hmmm, can't say I prefer mine after I look at it.

Hope it helps anyway.

[Lin]

Okay I'll try

'I had settled, I knew that.  I wasn't stupid, but where the hell was that punch in the chest, the melting of my limbs?.  All the films said that when you were least expecting it, he would appear and you wouldn't even know he would be the one for you, the one who's kiss would take your breathe away, would leave you begging for more.  Hell, I hate Hollywood!!' 

Well that really was a punchy first liner!!  I think it you could improve on the grammar

 "All the films said that when you were least expecting it,"  For me that didnt flow well perhaps you could say

 "I was expecting this man of my dreams to pop out of a screen and into my arms, I expected from what I had heard in the movies that he would appear and be the one for me, the one who would take my breath away and leave me begging for more - Hell, I hate Hollywood!

Well its not my best editing but do you see how you could smooth it out. Just an example

Does anyone else agree on this point?

Lin
Moderator

[Telcontar]

Hi Guys,

If I can nip back to mrryhrt's post, here's my version of it; though I'm still not sure it's a strong enough 'hook'...

Sinking below the horizon, the setting sun nevertheless gave an illusion of warmth. Watching the scene through the thin canopy of coloured leaves, Shartanian eagerly anticipated each icy breath; surely life couldn’t get any better than this?

I will say I'm not 100% happy with the seni-colon; I think it reads better than two completely seperate sentences, but I'm not sure it's grammatically correct...

Dave.

[Telcontar]

Back again...

And here's a little offering of my own. For those of you who have read this opening before, I apologise for being boring; but having learned (I hope) quite a lot from the forum in the few months past, I offer this latest version of my opening for your appraisal:

Flinching, the rider slammed into what felt like yet another solid wall of water; a curtain of rain driven by wind that was funnelled towards the head of the pass by the steep mountainsides defining the valley. She would be facing it head-on for the next four miles. Bullet splashes of rain blurred her visor as she controlled the urge to ride faster; to even try that would be lunacy in these conditions.

Ta,

Dave

[University Girl]

I'm afraid I pretty much made this up on the spur of the moment but I think I'll try to take it further.  Thanks for all your comments and I'll post something as soon as I figure out where it's going!

[Cathy C]

Quote from: University Girl on Yesterday at 11:40:57 PM
Okay I'll try

'I had settled, I knew that.  I wasn't stupid, but where the hell was that punch in the chest, the melting of my limbs?.  All the films said that when you were least expecting it, he would appear and you wouldn't even know he would be the one for you, the one who's kiss would take your breathe away, would leave you begging for more.  Hell, I hate Hollywood!!' 


Well that really was a punchy first liner!!  I think it you could improve on the grammar

 "All the films said that when you were least expecting it,"  For me that didnt flow well perhaps you could say

 "I was expecting this man of my dreams to pop out of a screen and into my arms, I expected from what I had heard in the movies that he would appear and be the one for me, the one who would take my breath away and leave me begging for more - Hell, I hate Hollywood!

Well its not my best editing but do you see how you could smooth it out. Just an example

Does anyone else agree on this point?

Lin
Moderator

Hi University Girl,

The fact that you made this up on the spur of the moment is mind boggling - it really is good, snappy but I'm afraid I have to agree with Lin that the rest just doesn't do justice to the first line.

So, here's my two cents :

I had settled, I knew that.  I wasn't stupid, but where the hell was that punch in the chest I was told I should expect? The melting of limbs, the kiss that would take my breath away and leave me wanting more?
Hell! Sometimes I hate Hollywood!

(Would leave out the speech marks)

Do continue with this - it could be the start of something beautiful.

CATHY C

[Tyger]

Oh yeah, University Girl!
I'm not much on romance, but this one intrigued me. I'd read on, probably check out the back cover, perhaps snoop a biit.
I like your style.

Tyger

[Cathy C]

Ok, here goes....

Wrote this about 5 years ago - the start to my first book (that sounds good, does't it. )

At the time it felt like a best-seller...  Now I'm not so sure....

Caitlin felt the dream long before it appeared; felt it but, as always, was powerless to stop it. Her heart began to pound, blood rushing through veins and arteries at an alarming rate. She struggled to wake. But the only thing her desperate thrashing served to do was tie her up more firmly in the sheets until in the end, her body, like her mind, was caught and held in the dream’s rigid grasp.

It began, as it always did, with a face in a mirror. Her face!

CATHY C

[Lin]

Ok, here goes....

Wrote this about 5 years ago - the start to my first book (that sounds good, does't it. )

At the time it felt like a best-seller...  Now I'm not so sure....

Caitlin felt the dream long before it appeared; felt it but, as always, was powerless to stop it. Her heart began to pound, blood rushing through veins and arteries at an alarming rate. She struggled to wake. But the only thing her desperate thrashing served to do was tie her up more firmly in the sheets until in the end, her body, like her mind, was caught and held in the dream’s rigid grasp.

It began, as it always did, with a face in a mirror. Her face!

CATHY C

Maybe the comma could be changed - "felt it, but as always, was powerless to stop it."   I liked this Cathy and I did want to read more from a publishers point of view.Lin

[Nadine L]

All are interesting.  Thought I'd take Cathy's version of UG another step.  Hope no one minds.

Quote:I had settled, I knew that.  I wasn't stupid, but where the hell was that punch in the chest I was told I should expect? The melting of limbs, the kiss that would take my breath away and leave me wanting more?
Hell! Sometimes I hate Hollywood!

Comments:  No quote marks if thinking/internal thoughts, unless thinking out loud.  Is this part of a dialogue?  Then quote marks are in. 

I'd remove the second "hell" because it is in such close proximity to the first, which tames them being together like that.  The punch of one hell fits the word punch used following hell.

I'd remove the "Sometimes" from "Sometimes, I hate Hollywood."  Why?  Well, I think now is one of those times and while in that mood the sometime would drop away because the emotion is strong at the moment.  It can be recanted later to be sometimes if it is an important point.  Also, the word "sometimes" is a weak word to put here.  Try it without:  "I hate Hollywood" is much stronger and the first sentence warrants the strong last sentence.

Just ideas.  I could be totally wrong.

Yep, way over the top on spur of the moment writing.  I bow to your skill!  And, yes I would read further.

Nadine

[polexia]

i'll try something, remember this is not the real beginning but the pre-lude:

In pended with this intense notion of sadness ever since, well ever since I was six actually. It was a conundrum never seen before and never seen again. Why I was this way, what set this off? No one knows no one wanted to know. Until the day, I found out that I could never love, simply because my love was no more. Then everything fit together, why I had an inability to love, why I could not open up, simply why I was alone for al these years. This is I; I had no choice, no way out.

x
polexia