Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 765304 times)

Offline Cathy C

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #525 on: July 12, 2008, 03:48:58 PM »
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While this start has me curious...  It hasn't grabbed me by the head and demanded that I read more...   


Darn it! But more or less what I thought. :'(

Any ideas for improving it, Andrew?

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Perhaps it is the inquisitive side of me but I would want to read on

Thanks, Ma - guess it's your usual in the bar then? ;)
« Last Edit: July 12, 2008, 04:00:37 PM by CATHY C »
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Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #526 on: July 12, 2008, 03:56:32 PM »
The dream came again tonight the same person, doing the same thing.
     Even knowing how it would end, I welcomed it as I would an old friend; with open arms and a delicious sense of anticipation, because the beginning… Ah, the beginning was worth it!

Cathy C. just a thought.
JH

Offline Andrewf

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #527 on: July 12, 2008, 04:12:51 PM »
Darn it! But more or less what I thought. :'(

Any ideas for improving it, Andrew?

The way it sounded to me, was as if the character was sighing and moaning lackadaisically. I don't know if that is what you were after or not.

The only thing I can think of is to make it obvious the dream disturbs her  (if it does)  or excites her ;D in the first sentence.   Assuming she's a her.

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That damn dream came again last night!

or

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That wonderful dream came again last night.
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Offline Cathy C

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #528 on: July 12, 2008, 04:25:21 PM »
JH, I can see where you are going, but it doesn't quite 'feel' right. :-\

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The only thing I can think of is to make it obvious the dream disturbs her  (if it does)  or excites her  in the first sentence.   Assuming she's a her.

Hee hee, this is where it becomes plain that I expect my audience to be mind readers - I'm always doing that. :-[

Yes, it is a her and yes, the dream disturbs her. (In a bad way, in case you were wondering. :P)

I don't know why, but I had that classic opening: "Last night I dreamed I went to Mandalay again," in my mind. (Jeeze, I hope I spelt that right)

Oh well, back to the drawing board. :(

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Offline ma100

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #529 on: July 12, 2008, 04:29:24 PM »
"Last night I dreamed I went to Mandalay again," in my mind.

Blimey! That's you me and Steve 08 this week.  Rebecca has a lot to answer for.

Offline Cathy C

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #530 on: July 12, 2008, 04:34:25 PM »
Doesn't she just! >:(


Tell you what, Ma - let's go see Bones - betcha he has never heard of her, and if he has, he will be much too scared to say anything. (After all, he knows we have FF's croc.  ;))
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Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #531 on: July 12, 2008, 04:36:03 PM »
The dream came again tonight.
     Even knowing how it would end, I welcomed it as I would an old friend; with open arms and a delicious sense of anticipation, because the beginning… Ah, the beginning was worth it!
The sweat began to soak the pillow.
Cathy C. just another thought.
JH

Offline Cathy C

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #532 on: July 12, 2008, 05:02:33 PM »
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The dream came again tonight.
     Even knowing how it would end, I welcomed it as I would an old friend; with open arms and a delicious sense of anticipation, because the beginning… Ah, the beginning was worth it!
The sweat began to soak the pillow.
Cathy C. just another thought.
JH

Now you've given me something to think about - getting in that, while she is happy enough to face the dream because of its beginning (which has to do with her parents), she is still afraid.

Thanks JH - something to 'play' with. :-*
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Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #533 on: July 12, 2008, 05:32:44 PM »
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The dream came again tonight.
     Even knowing how it would end, I welcomed it as I would an old friend; with open arms and a delicious sense of anticipation, because the beginning… Ah, the beginning was worth it!
The sweat began to soak the pillow.
Cathy C. just another thought.
JH

Now you've given me something to think about - getting in that, while she is happy enough to face the dream because of its beginning (which has to do with her parents), she is still afraid.

Thanks JH - something to 'play' with. 

Then she must be an orphan living in an orphanage or with people that treat her badly.
The dream ends with her parents being killed and she wakes up drenched in sweat afraid and alone. Having no friends not knowing what will happen to her next.
Yet another thought. ;D
JH 

Offline Cathy C

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #534 on: July 12, 2008, 05:51:19 PM »
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Then she must be an orphan living in an orphanage or with people that treat her badly.

Wrong, posh girls school.

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The dream ends with her parents being killed and she wakes up drenched in sweat afraid and alone. Having no friends not knowing what will happen to her next.

Wrong, the murder (maybe, haven't decided yet) of 4 of her school mates.

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Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #535 on: July 12, 2008, 06:10:35 PM »
Ouch! one should not try to tell another's story. :-[
However it sounds good. I like murder thrillers.
Jh

Offline Cathy C

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #536 on: July 12, 2008, 06:13:53 PM »
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Ouch! one should not try to tell another's story

No, appreciate the input - really helps.

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I like murder thrillers.

Me too. ;)
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Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #537 on: July 12, 2008, 06:23:09 PM »
I am working on one now (14 chapters) called? Murder On Marsh Island. for now. But it's far from a boarding school.

JH ;D

Offline Cathy C

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #538 on: July 12, 2008, 06:24:08 PM »
Go on... I dare you... post some. ;D
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Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #539 on: July 12, 2008, 06:57:01 PM »
It's just a draft and where would you want this draft posted? You know that's a dare that should not be given a writer.
JH ;D