Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 750666 times)

Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #495 on: May 15, 2008, 11:16:57 AM »
this is something I think could go somewhere. what do you think?
J

Ski parked as close to the run down trailer as she could. There were discarded useless rubble everywhere. When she unfolded her long body from the little red sports car, you knew the short red dress she wore was it. She stepped through the open door of the trailer kicking empty beer cans out of the way to have somewhere to stand. Picking up a broom, she swept a path to the couch where Jake slept. She poked him in the ribs hard several times with the broom handle.
“What!” Jake yelled rounding over, holding his side.
“You live in this sis pool, Jake?” Ski threw to broom to the floor then pushed her high heel in his belly button. “I been here five minutes and already feel sorry for myself.”

Lin

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #496 on: May 16, 2008, 05:42:18 AM »
Well I read this and the first thing that hit me was the word "SHE"  I didnt think it was as flowing as it could have been.  Ski and She are two closely sounding words and I would have chosen a different name.  Try this and let me know what you think about it - Lin x

Sky parked as close to the run down trailer as she could.  Unfolding her long body from the little red sports car, as if she were a model in a TV advert, she walked proud in her new outfit.  Stepping through the open door of the trailer, kicking discarded beer cans out of the way, she eventually found a place for her feet. Picking up a broom, she swept a path to the couch where Jake slept among the rubble, eventually poking him in the ribs, hard, several times with the broom handle.
“What!” Jake yelled rolling over, holding his side.
“You live in this cesspool, Jake?”
Sky threw to broom to the floor then pushed her high heel in his belly button. “I've only been here five minutes and already  I feel sorry for myself.”

Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #497 on: May 25, 2008, 11:58:19 AM »
Lin,
Of course you are right. This is an idea that was running around my head for a few days. Her name can be anything, she can be anything, she could be a sister, lover, x-lover or a hit woman sent to kill Jake. Like I said it could go anywhere. What do you think? I think if she were a hit woman sent to kill him is interesting. The idea I had about the short dress was it was all she had on and it gave her freedom of movement. I haven’t learned how to show this sort of thing instead of telling it. What do you think of this:

Geraldine parked away from the run-down trailer. She did not want her car in the rubble and garbage that filled the yard—more importantly, she did not want Jake to know she was coming. Unfolding her long body from the little red sport car, she stood smoothing her short red dress down her long legs, looking like the model she once was. The dress stopped at mid-thigh.  She stood looking at the dump Jake called home. Oh, Jake, how far you’ve fallen, she thought. When Geraldine took the first steps toward the trailer, you knew the short red dress was the only thing she wore that restricted her movement.  She half walked, half jumped over empty gallon wine jugs, beer cans and an old overturned rusted grill. Stepping through the open door of the trailer, kicking discarded beer cans out of the way, she eventually found a place for her feet. Picking up a broom, she swept a path to the couch where Jake slept among old newspapers and beer cans. She eventually poked him in the ribs, hard, several times with the broom handle.
“What!” Jake yelled, rolling over, holding his side.
“You live in this cesspool, Jake?” Geraldine threw the broom to the floor, then pushed her stiletto heel into his belly button. “I've only been here five minutes and already I feel sorry for myself.”
“What the hell you want, Gerry?” Jake sat up, pushing her foot off. He tried to rub the sleep from his eyes.
“Benny wants to see you.”                                     

Offline SteveJ

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #498 on: July 10, 2008, 08:04:40 AM »

Ok folks, I've written three different openings for my novella; are any of them suitable, you think?
__________________________________

ONE

 The cat and the girl. Both were white, both had mouths the colour of blood mixed with water.
Curious how the young woman on the railway platform had reminded Callum Ferguson of the
long-dead creature...He couldn't remember its name, but he recalled its death vividly - his first kill.
The cat had watched as Ferguson's penknife blade jabbed teasingly at its face, until he drove
it swiftly into the neck. It had stopped struggling, and the boy licked the blood from his wounded hand.
He felt a sense of triumph. Then he took his time, and learned how the cat had worked.

 His gaze wandered back to the young girl on the other side of the track, patiently waiting
for a train, glancing at her compact. 'Like alabaster smeared with blood', he thought,
her white skin enlivened by cherry lipstick. She turned to catch him in the act of staring,
but now his eyes focused on the timetable above her; he was a past master at appearing guiltless.
Feeling foolish and not a little vain, the girl resumed her pose, and Ferguson resumed the study
of her face.

 The cat; the girl; Christ, His wound weeping blood and water as he hung lifeless on the cross;
knife; mirror; spear; a trinity of of his own; these thoughts sped through his excited mind.

_________________________

TWO

 Emerging from the darkness of the driveway, Salvatore House confronted Callum Ferguson.
Light from two tall, slim windows lent it the appearance of life, of relevance, but all was truly
dead here, and nothing more so than Ferguson's ambitions. The outside of the house was quite
bland, much to his disappointment – upon first glance, there was little to make one think of the
stories attached to it. Then a hand touched his shoulder...

_________________________

THREE

 She had taken his face. Callum Ferguson's heartbeat swiftened, and he raised his hand
to wipe his forehead. He began to whimper - His fingers touched cold bone, and the holes where
his eyes had once been. With one last effort to retain his sanity, his hands reached beneath the
blankets for a reassuring touch of skin, but there was none. His body was dead, he was blind,
but still he saw her - she laughed, she taunted him as she wore his face...

 Everyone has nightmares, but some haunt us all our lives. For Ferguson, this one, and others like it,
were the Great Unexplained Mysteries of his childhood. Everyone has those too, and his was truly
inexplicable to him: a friend of his grandmother's, she'd often taken care of him when he was around
five years old. She had scared him, without even meaning to, he'd somehow figured that she was a
witch, and that he had been abducted by her. He recalled her, in his mind's eye, at a littered dressing-table,
making up before a mirror, and brushing the hair around her horns; yes, in his memory, the nameless woman
had small horns on her head. Sheer childish silliness, but that's how he remembered her, and the memory
had shaped his dreams ever since.


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Orpheus

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #499 on: July 10, 2008, 02:25:57 PM »
Hi Steve

Version One is my favourite but its still not bold enough. Try deleting the first two sentences and start with . . . Curious how the young woman etc . . .



Offline SteveJ

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #500 on: July 10, 2008, 03:32:57 PM »
Thanks, Mr O :)
Still have the feeling that none of the 3 are much cop though...
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Orpheus

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #501 on: July 10, 2008, 03:48:12 PM »
Tricky isn't it? I guess we all have the same problem. I still haven't sorted out my opening yet . . . . and so it goes on. ???

Offline SteveJ

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #502 on: July 10, 2008, 03:49:49 PM »
My problem is that my openings sound like prologues and my prologues sound like openings, mate ;D
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Orpheus

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #503 on: July 10, 2008, 03:54:39 PM »
I actually preferred your original, I didn't see much wrong with it in the first place. Truly.

If you insist on changing it, then put your writing aside, pop down to Waterstones and read a load of openings from your fave authors. Sadly I do that all the time. It really pisses off the staff in the shop and I'm not sure it works, but I do it anyway.

Offline SteveJ

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #504 on: July 10, 2008, 03:58:05 PM »
Good thinking, chief.
I'm just trying to avoid a contrived opening, one that kinda screams at the reader/browser: 'I wrote this weird opening because you're a brain-dead twonk whose attention I need to lasso within three words.'  ;D
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Orpheus

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #505 on: July 10, 2008, 04:02:41 PM »
Hey¬! I like being lassooed with three words.

No, you're right. I sometimes feel like a performing seal trying to impress an agent. I haven't tried LYING yet. That's next.

Offline SteveJ

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #506 on: July 10, 2008, 04:07:58 PM »
I think that the main problem I have is...me ;D I prefer to write 1st-Person POV stuff.
« Last Edit: July 10, 2008, 04:09:35 PM by Steve08 »
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Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #507 on: July 10, 2008, 04:55:35 PM »
AHHHHHHH writers lie!!!
I'm shocked shocked
Steve with the first one you know you lose the cat lovers.
JH

Offline SteveJ

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #508 on: July 10, 2008, 05:03:24 PM »
Too true, Mr Mull ;D

I was trying to hint at the old adage that serial murderers often torture animals, in childhood.
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Offline Gyppo

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #509 on: July 10, 2008, 05:05:20 PM »
I think that the main problem I have is...me ;D I prefer to write 1st-Person POV stuff.

Then do so.  And do it so well that people have to read it.

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