Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 752599 times)

Offline Josef Litobarski

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #690 on: January 17, 2009, 11:48:22 AM »
Thank you for your criticism, Country4Gal, it's really good to hear well thought-out criticism from other people!

Quote
'Here' is not needed, you have successfully lead the reader with you into the deep.

I found this suggestion particularly useful. I hadn't thought of writing as leading the reader's "eye" around physically. Grazie!

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #691 on: January 17, 2009, 12:10:06 PM »
Ma, I'm coming to this late and you have already had some good suggestions. But I couldn't resist trying my hand at it.

Use or not as you think best - as always.

Your original:
The mound of soil trickled, then as the shoring gave way, slid in a wet deluge into the grave. Drew hurled himself towards the ladder, but his steel boot slipped through the rotten coffin lid. When he twisted his body, trying to free his trapped leg, the wall at the top of the hole collapsed. God help me.


Soil piled in haphazard mounds above and along the edges, slithered down the sides. The shoring gave way sliding in a wet deluge into the excavated grave. Drew hurled himself at the ladder. He slipped, one steel toed boot crashed through the rotted coffin lid. He struggled; twisting and turning, in an effort to free his trapped leg. To late. The walls crumbled, pelting him with clods of mud.

God help me.   
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Offline ma100

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #692 on: January 17, 2009, 01:09:31 PM »
As it stands at moment.

The mound of soil trickled, then, as the shoring gave way, slid like a wet deluge into the grave. Drew hurled himself towards the ladder, but his steel boot smashed through the rotten coffin lid. When he twisted his body, in an attempt to free his trapped leg, the wall at the top of the hole collapsed. God help me.


Hi Alice thanks, for your advice. I tell you what the problem is. A grave re-opening in this country would be 9ft deep. To dig it out they would put braces cross ways at two foot intervals. Being as it is so deep there would be staging at just over the 1st mans head height. He would throw the earth up onto this stage and the 2nd man would transfer to a pile at one end only of the grave. Every now and then, he would get to clear the mound with a digger. It is raining and also being this is an old graveyard it would have old drainage holes coming into the grave.

So as not to kill Drew I need only the top brace to cave in, this would cause enough of landslide to kill him, but if help is available all is good.
The top man has not done his job properly by not clearing the excess and the weight, weather and drains all contribute to the accident.

Fancy having another go now mate? :) I would appreciate it.
« Last Edit: January 17, 2009, 02:37:49 PM by ma100 »

GondorianPrincess

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #693 on: January 17, 2009, 02:19:52 PM »
Hmmmm. It is an interesting start for me. I would want to read more.

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #694 on: January 17, 2009, 02:38:03 PM »
I tell you what the problem is. A grave re-opening in this country would be 9ft deep.

Around here a burial is referred to as being "six feet deep."
But now you have me wondering if another three feet might be dug to allow room for the coffin. I'll have to check that out.

I've been at several grave side burying a burial, but wasn't worried about how deep it was at the time.

I'll copy what you've said and have another look at it.  Thanks for the added information.
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline ma100

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #695 on: January 17, 2009, 02:39:37 PM »
It is for a family plot mate. Allowing for 3 eventual coffins.

Oops! Sorry Gondorian, Thankyou :)
« Last Edit: January 17, 2009, 02:42:30 PM by ma100 »

Offline Kerrbeark

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #696 on: January 18, 2009, 02:01:41 PM »
Now I will be the first to tell you my punctuation sucks!  Lord I am trying to read and learn but its never been one of my strong points for sure.  So feel free to hack away at my less than shining skills :) 


Here is the first line or beginning of the Prologue to my Romance Novel.  A short paragraph to give the reader a taste of what's inside to come. 

This part of the story begins by telling the reader about the Heroine's biological father (the heroine doesn't know she is his daughter) committing suicide after losing everything.  He writes a letter and that unravels all the secrets of the two families in the book.  Before killing himself he hides the letter inside his journal and locks it away hence locking away all the secrets and mysteries that are laced through out the book (these are the sub plots with the main plot obviously being the love between the hero and heroine since its a romance).  OK I hope thats explained correctly.  Here are my 50 words :)


Merrick Ashcroft was staring death in the face.  He had lost everything; his title, his lands, his wife and stillborn child, and his true love, Carolyn, though she belonged to another in name only.  “You will always be mine sweet Carolyn.”




Offline Katinka

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #697 on: January 19, 2009, 09:21:13 PM »

‘But how can Poppa breathe in there?' Olivia thought as she watched damp dirt settling over the rose she had tossed onto the coffin lid. The last time she saw his face, he seemed asleep in the satin-lined box, surrounded by flowers the likes she’d never known existed. The smell of roses and softly played hymns at the chapel had lifted her heart almost to happiness because it was all arranged so prettily for Poppa. She knew he was pleased to see so many people come to his funeral, but  now he was alone, enclosed in the box and sinking into the ground.

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #698 on: January 19, 2009, 10:21:14 PM »
Katina, both the words and the sentiment flow smooth.

You presented a clear picture of what Olivia was thinking and feeling.
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

keanog

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #699 on: January 27, 2009, 10:59:47 AM »
Here goes its a plot in progress i have worked through the main chararcter who he is, what he does and how he got here, but does it sound like it would work?

Greg Stutzman feels alive inside as he sits at his writing desk, unravelling his silk black tie and openeing the first button of his ashamedly expensive shirt, in a lightheaded reverie of the evening that was, the music, the laughter and such beautiful carefree creatures, lfting his pen he muses to himself, such as shame one of them has to die.

What do you think, would you want to read on?

Offline Kerrbeark

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #700 on: January 27, 2009, 11:51:23 AM »
Yes I personally was hooked by your last line...such a shame one of them has to die.

That immediately got me thinking:  Who are these "carefree creatures?" Does one of them die in real life?  Does he kill them with his pen?  In that I mean does he use these characters and kill them off in his story?  What type of story is he writing?  A biography? A work of fiction?  What era is it?  Is he a known writer or is this his first time penning a seductive murder mystery?    Are his books, if he is a known writer, telling of the future?  In that I mean, does his writing somehow come to fruition?  Do the character/s he kills off in his book actually die in real life within a month of the book being published?

So many interesting questions come to mind.  Personally I would like to know the answers to those questions I posed and more!  I would suggest, dependent upon your plot/subplots/genre/era that you do your best to answer those questions for your reader because its likely others will ask those same questions and getting that validation is partly why we read.  Tying up loose ends, as it were, are what we need to understand as we read. 

I say bravo!  Best of luck to you and please post more (if its not posted and of course if its written LOL) and let us know where we can find it. 


keanog

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #701 on: January 28, 2009, 04:11:45 AM »
Thank you for your reply, glad it got the reaction i was looking for , the story will def answer these questions and more, think you will be suprised by the out come of it, i love a story with a twist at the end! Will keep you posted.

Ocean

Offline Spell Chick

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #702 on: January 28, 2009, 07:20:53 AM »
keanog

Greg Stutzman feels alive inside as he sits at his writing desk, unravelling his silk black tie and openeing the first button of his ashamedly expensive shirt, in a lightheaded reverie of the evening that was, the music, the laughter and such beautiful carefree creatures, lfting his pen he muses to himself, such as shame one of them has to die.


The thought is engaging, but...
you created a 61 word run-on sentence.

Perhaps a period or two would break it up. Reverie of the evening doesn't work. One goes into a reverie ABOUT something [but, that may be an Americanism]
I had to read "silk black tie" twice because I really wanted it to be a "black silk tie" but again, that could be an Americanism. And no matter what, the typo has to go   ;)

See if the following feels tighter.

Greg Stutzman feels alive inside as he sits at his writing desk, unravelling loosening his black silk tie and openeing the first button of his ashamedly expensive shirt. He relives the evening, the seductive music, the lighthearted laughter, and such beautiful, carefree creatures. He lifts his pen and muses, such a shame one of them has to die.

Little Bits of History A short essay on something that happened on any day.

Imperfect Reason My thoughts, such as they are.

keanog

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #703 on: January 29, 2009, 02:19:32 PM »
ooh yes i love the way that flows i see what you mean about black silk tie, that really works and i knew i wasnt happy with word unravelling either.

I dont know about the reverie part because it is about something (the evening) is that not right?

Nice work, very smooth and thanks for the comments, will def be more careful about the typos!

Offline Spell Chick

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #704 on: January 29, 2009, 02:27:04 PM »
Reverie definition
n.
A state of abstracted musing; daydreaming.
A daydream: “I felt caught up in a reverie of years long past”

His reverie is about the evening past, or concerning the evening

if you substitute the word "daydream" and see how it works and then revert to "reverie"

reverie wasn't wrong, the "of" felt out of kilter to me.
Little Bits of History A short essay on something that happened on any day.

Imperfect Reason My thoughts, such as they are.