First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?

[ByronArthurClark]

Joining this thread.

YA fiction.

MIDNIGHT CROW

     It was fortunate the majority of Ashwood were asleep the morning the midnight crow flew into town. If not, then old Doc Harvey may have had a few more patients than normal and this would not have pleased him at all.

     If asked, some would say fate arranged for Jim Duley from Hillberry Farm to be the solitary witness. On the other hand, perhaps he’d noticed because Jim was like that — he noticed things. 

     In town early to deliver produce to Rooney’s Bed & Breakfast, Jim felt the hairs rise on the back of his neck at the precise moment he lifted the basket of eggs from the back of his truck. Carefully replacing the basket so his hands would be free if needed, he turned… steady grey eyes narrowed he scanned the horizon.

     From the depths of the dawn it flew. Long, slow beats pulled it up and over the church spire before circling the town square only to rise and settle atop the cross. In this part of the country, crows were common and considered a pest. However, this crow was as far removed from common, as Ashwood was a town of pure souls. Its sheer size; if not its brilliant sapphire eyes proclaimed it as being something out of the ordinary—something to take notice of.
The Midnight Crow has history. If legends were to be believed, the Midnight Crow created history.

*Dons her thick skin*

Textbook!.... in my humble opinion. Send me the book!!! A very good and attention grabbing opening. Immediatly establishes character, setting and plot and a hook just in the first line! Superior. Excuse my over enthusism but I really do think you nailed this one and I simply can't find any part with a problem.

Here is mine, feel free to be ruthless:

Shaarierra fell backward onto the freezing snow as the burning pain in her head blinded her. The high mountains were flooded out of her vision by a blinding white light which slowly faded as her new surroundings were revealed. She was on a small island in a mighty blue river.

[zoomary]

Here's my attempt:

Within a quarter mark I would be dead. At least that was the priest’ intention. Not that I was aware of that, or much of anything else for that matter. My thoughts scattered as easily as thistle down in a high wind as I huddled against the mast of the Depet class ship and fought down nausea.

[ByronArthurClark]

Here's my attempt:

Within a quarter mark I would be dead. At least that was the priest’ intention. Not that I was aware of that, or much of anything else for that matter. My thoughts scattered as easily as thistle down in a high wind as I huddled against the mast of the Depet class ship and fought down nausea.

I like the first sentence but the rest are a little too disjionted from another and don't flow naturally and a publisher will pick that up pronto. I thank the problem maybe too many fullstops in too little words more of those "as" and "while" type words may help. hope I hav been helpfull. Please remeber to review mine as well! It is in the post above yours!

[Poncia]

Shaarierra fell backward onto the freezing snow as the burning pain in her head blinded her. The high mountains were flooded out of her vision by a blinding white light which slowly faded as her new surroundings were revealed. She was on a small island in a mighty blue river.

I read this a couple of times and couldn't quite grasp what appealled to me and what I found distracting. Then it occurred to me:

I like the visualizations, but you seem to say a lot in each sentence. I don't know where she is from the start. Yes, she's in snow, but on the mountain? Then the physical pain/blinded/blinding white light. A lot seems to happen in the first two sentences.
It's a bit too descriptive in the sense that you also switch from freezing snow/ burning pain; the mountain/ flood, island and water in next sentence.
I do want to know more, but first there are a number of questions here in these three sentences.

There are a number of elements that make me wonder what's going on with her!

Kind regards,
Jim

[ByronArthurClark]

Thanks... I really need to rewrite my whole first chapter before I post anything again but oh the time! When will I have the timeeeee!!!!!

[Poncia]

Thanks... I really need to rewrite my whole first chapter before I post anything again but oh the time! When will I have the timeeeee!!!!!

Mine was just ONE opinion!

That's not necessarily true. You can post along the way. Review other people's works and pick up more tips along the way. I don't know how long you've been here, I'm relatively new, but there are a number of things that other members put out there as works in progress. We're all in either the same or similar boats.

Jim

[ByronArthurClark]

Oh don't worry. See, more than one reviewer has made more or less the same comments about the same piece of writing so it is really time i improved it rather than just posting the same old thing over again and getting more or less the same comments back. i'm afrais i'm a bit of a procrastinator.

[MaxieNZ]

Thank you, ByronArthurClark

I have 18,000 words thus far.

Your opener...

We as readers, do not know, Shaaierra. Therefore, to begin your story with her name and an action we do not know the reason for (as it relates to her), creates a disjointed introduction. Who is she? Why would she have this pain. You  do not want to give the reason for the pain so early in the piece, so you need to zero in on what is around her and let the reader get to know her.
Okay, it is a new story and of course the reader does NOT know Shaaierra, but most will understand pain and shock.

Shaarierra fell backward onto the freezing snow as the burning pain in her head blinded her. The high mountains were flooded out of her vision by a blinding white light which slowly faded as her new surroundings were revealed. She was on a small island in a mighty blue river.

Utilising as many of your words as possible, I offer the following...

    * Blinded by the burning pain in her head, Shaaierra fell backwards into the snow. Her nebulose sight glued to the far mountains, she struggled against the pain. A brilliant white light flooded her vision-fear touched her soul. Eyes shut tight, Shaaierra lay there, waiting for her heart to steady. She knew she had to move or die. She waited...
  The curious lack of cold tugged at her mind, inching into the fear. Reluctant lids rose, then popped wide.  A vast river surrounded a small island-she was on it. How was this possible? *

I have used a fair bit of licence here and you should not copy what I wrote (why would you!). We/I still do not know Shaaierra, but do know there is magic of some kind, she is curious yet has a will to survive and there is either a "baddie" or some medical reason in the story.

My two cents.
Maxie

[ByronArthurClark]

Thank you for your help MaxieNZ. Some really useful ideas there! 

[StrayDog]

Many bad things have been written about me, mostly by me under another name but this is the truth.

[Don]

Many bad things have been written about me, mostly by me under another name but this is the truth.

I like it.  It reads like Multiple Personality Disorder on steroids.  What part is truth?  What part is paranoia?  Will we ever know for sure? 

Is there more where this came from?

[StrayDog]

I like it.  It reads like Multiple Personality Disorder on steroids.  What part is truth?  What part is paranoia?  Will we ever know for sure? 

Is there more where this came from?

Perhaps, it's under consideration.
But I've got to figure out which project I'm working on now before I even consider starting another.

[Andrewf]

This particular start has been languishing for over 3 years... one of these days I'll get back to it... 


John Cram smiled contentedly to himself as he piloted his shuttle pod towards the ‘Starfarer’. The ship resembled a large silver teardrop, beautifully streamlined even though it floated serenely in the vacuum of space. He watched the shuttle bay doors slide smoothly aside before him, and then deftly nudged the pod into the bay with small movements of the controls before he engaged the docking clamps to hold it securely.
With a sigh of released tension, he unstrapped himself from his seat and floated free for a moment before guiding himself over to the airlock and beginning its cycle. John floated from the airlock into the stark white corridor beyond. He floated along the corridor towards the command centre and remembered how he had joined the project eight years before.

[Orpheus]

This is great Andrew. Just one thing I'd LOVE to do for a change.... For once I'd like these sliding doors to groan and squeak, and judder coz they need a good service... They always glide across so effortlessly don't they?

I guess my attempts at sci-fi would end up as comedy. That's guaranteed.    

[Andrewf]

Probably Orph...  they glide silently coz it's space... a vacuum and no sound travels in a vacuum...

Of course.. it also helps that the Starfarer is brand new