Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 778262 times)

Offline Cathy C

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #540 on: July 12, 2008, 06:58:55 PM »
Quote
You know that's a dare that should not be given a writer.

Na nanana.... Go on, dare ya! :P

Post the first para here, or put a chapter on the Review Board.
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Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #541 on: July 12, 2008, 07:13:41 PM »
OK this is the first opening par. If not this then the next post.
JH :)

Sheriff Frank Jedidiah Lightfoot stood looking out his office window on the fourth floor of the Glynn County Detention Center.  He could see the Sidney Lanier Bridge as well as the old docks on the South Brunswick River.  To the east, he could see St. Simons Island and Sea Island and to the north, Marsh Island.  Sea Island was very exclusive residential, having only the famous Cloister Resort to attract outsiders, and Marsh Island was purely residential.  St. Simons had shops and restaurants of all kinds.  He liked that.  His lady friend managed one of the finest restaurants on St. Simons.  Today marked the six month anniversary of his election as Glynn County sheriff.  He had put together a six month plan and had hit the ground running; however, he had at best accomplished only about twenty percent of what he intended.  The County Board of Commissioners had blocked him more than not, refusing his request for more funds to develop a real forensic lab and bring the department into the 21st Century.  He had also requested funds to enlarge the detention center because, even with housing four to the cell, he was still spending over $50,000 a month boarding prisoners in surrounding counties.  He was beginning to question his decision to take the job as chief Deputy Sheriff three years ago, as well as his decision to run for Sheriff.  He did not feel he had the County Board's full support and, in fact, he did not.  A few wanted him to fail as sheriff.  He was not a hometown boy.  He wondered what could possibly happen to make the situation with the board worse.

Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #542 on: July 12, 2008, 07:15:39 PM »
This may be the opening:
JH ;D


“Sheriff?”  The South Georgia twang of one of his deputies interrupted his reverie.
Frank pushed the talk button on the intercom.  “Yes, Peewee?”
“I just got a call from the manager of the Marsh Island Golf Club,” Peewee said.
“About what, Peewee?”  Frank fully understood why his predecessor insisted he sign an agreement to keep his two nephews, Peewee being one, on as deputies in return for his support.
“There’s a naked body on the ninth green.”
“A dead body?”
“As a mackerel,” he said.
“Have the nearest unit secure the crime scene and have my car brought around.”
“Herman’s waiting on you out front.”
“Thanks, Peewee.”
“You bet.”  Peewee smiled to himself.
Sheriff Lightfoot stood up, pulled open the bottom drawer of his desk and took out his pistol belt.  Well, I guess I know what could get worse.”

Which one do you like.

Offline Xerika

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #543 on: July 12, 2008, 08:21:01 PM »
Definitely the second version, JH, even though someone said recently on MWC that you should never start a novel with dialogue. Don't really understand why not personally.

I remember reading an article years ago about how not to start a novel. I can't remember all the points now but I know it said something about not mentioning the weather or the time of day. To be fair to the author of the article, he/she then went on to mention some anomalies like the opening sentence to Orwell's '1984': "It was a bright, cold day in April and the clocks were striking thirteen." (I think that's the correct quote but I just went to check my copy and realised some b***er's nicked it.)

Rules, eh.

Just for the hell of it, here's a link I just noticed to 'The Worst Opening Lines of Books' at http://www.joke-archives.com/oddsends/worstopeninglinesofbooks.html.
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Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #544 on: July 12, 2008, 08:40:53 PM »
thanks X the second one is the forth para in the opening. I have been thinking the same that it should be the opening. AAAAH yet another rewrite!!!
JH ::) ::) :'( :'(

Offline Cathy C

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #545 on: July 12, 2008, 08:52:27 PM »
Darn it, while I have been working on this Xerika has posted. :'(

Anyway - here's my take.


JH, I like the first intro better - although you need to pare it down. ;) (There is nothing there that you can't put in later.)

The dialogue in the second 'opening' is great and can easily be slipped in. Example:

Sheriff Frank Jedidiah Lightfoot stood looking looked out his office window. Today marked the six month anniversary of his election as Glynn County sheriff. He had put together a six month plan  He'd had a plan, hit the ground running; however, he had (,) at best (,) accomplished only about twenty percent of what he (had) intended.  Not totally his fault, he knew.The County Board of Commissioners had blocked him more than not, at every turn; refusing his request for more funds to develop a real forensic lab and  to bring the (his) department into the 21st Century.  Now he was beginning to question his decision to to take the job as chief Deputy run for Sheriff. Not only did he not have the Board's full support, he knew that more than one good citizen was looking on eagerly, wanting him to fail. Not being a hometown boy didn't help.   He wondered what could possibly happen to make the   his situation with the board worse. Then the intercom buzzed.
“Sheriff?”  The South Georgia (n) twang of one of his deputies interrupted his reverie.








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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #546 on: July 13, 2008, 02:08:08 AM »

The dream came again tonight. Even knowing how it would end, I welcomed it as I would an old friend; with open arms and a delicious sense of anticipation, because the beginning… Ah, the beginning was worth it!


I changed the set up to put the second sentence with the first, however, it is the last sentence that makes me want more. What could be worth the annoyance of a reoccurring dream? mmm, makes me wonder.

Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #547 on: July 13, 2008, 07:28:15 AM »
Quote
The dream came again tonight.
     Even knowing how it would end, I welcomed it as I would an old friend; with open arms and a delicious sense of anticipation, because the beginning… Ah, the beginning was worth it!



Cathy, is this more of a nightmare than a deam?
JH

Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #548 on: July 13, 2008, 07:36:24 AM »
Cathy, Thanks I feel there maybe to much backstory in the first few para. so here they are please take a look let me know what you think and anyone else who can help an old boy from South Georgia. I know we are getting away from one liners but all of us can not write: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
JH

Chapter 1
Sheriff Frank Jedidiah Lightfoot stood looking out his office window on the fourth floor of the Glynn County Detention Center.  He could see the Sidney Lanier Bridge as well as the old docks on the South Brunswick River.  To the east, he could see St. Simons Island and Sea Island and to the north, Marsh Island.  Sea Island was very exclusive residential, having only the famous Cloister Resort to attract outsiders, and Marsh Island was purely residential.  St. Simons had shops and restaurants of all kinds.  He liked that.  His lady friend managed one of the finest restaurants on St. Simons.  Today marked the six month anniversary of his election as Glynn County sheriff.  He had put together a six month plan and had hit the ground running; however, he had at best accomplished only about twenty percent of what he intended.  The County Board of Commissioners had blocked him more than not, refusing his request for more funds to develop a real forensic lab and bring the department into the 21st Century.  He had also requested funds to enlarge the detention center because, even with housing four to the cell, he was still spending over $50,000 a month boarding prisoners in surrounding counties.  He was beginning to question his decision to take the job as chief Deputy Sheriff three years ago, as well as his decision to run for Sheriff.  He did not feel he had the County Board's full support and, in fact, he did not.  A few wanted him to fail as sheriff.  He was not a hometown boy.  He wondered what could possibly happen to make the situation with the board worse.
“Good morning, Frank.  How about coffee?  You had your forty cups yet?”  Chief Deputy Sheriff Germaine Wilson said, setting a cup of coffee on the sheriff’s desk.
The sheriff looked at his chief deputy, then back out the window.  “Thanks, Germaine.”
“Oh, Lord, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”  Frank moved over to his desk, took the cap off his coffee and took a sip, then sat down.  “This is good.”
“Man and sheriffs cannot live on Peewee’s coffee alone.”  Germaine sat across from Frank.  “Now, what’s wrong?”
“What makes you think something is wrong?”
“You only call me Germaine when you are worried about something.”
“Do I?”
“All the way back to when we were at Fort Campbell.”
“That goes back.”
“Fifteen years.”
“Well, Gerry, you are right.  The County Board has turned down my request for an increase in our budget again.”
“Don’t let it get you down.  We’re doing all right.  People are beginning to notice the job you are doing,” Chief Deputy Wilson stood up and put on his dark glasses.  “I hear you’re interviewing a forensic analyst from the Army.”
Sheriff Lightfoot handed Linda Lopez’s resume to him.  “Already have.”
“Damn, this is impressive.  If she looks this good, hire her.”  Gerry handed the resume back.
“She’s taking the exam tomorrow.”
“Good.  My shift started ten minutes ago.  I’ll be in sector 3 if you need me.”
The sheriff nodded his head as his chief deputy left.
**********
“Sheriff?”  The South Georgia twang of one of his deputies interrupted his reverie.
Frank pushed the talk button on the intercom.  “Yes, Peewee?”
“I just got a call from the manager of the Marsh Island Golf Club,” Peewee said.
“About what, Peewee?”  Frank fully understood why his predecessor insisted he sign an agreement to keep his two nephews, Peewee being one, on as deputies in return for his support.
“There’s a naked body on the ninth green.”
“A dead body?”
“As a mackerel,” he said.
“Have the nearest unit secure the crime scene and have my car brought around.”
“Herman’s waiting on you out front.”
“Thanks, Peewee.”
“You bet.”  Peewee smiled to himself.
Sheriff Lightfoot stood up, pulled open the bottom drawer of his desk and took out his pistol belt.  Well, I guess I know what could get worse.”

Offline josiebee

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #549 on: July 15, 2008, 05:28:01 AM »
Morning

Well I have really enjoyed reading these openings and wondered if anyone had a few minutes to read one of mine?


The train came to a screeching halt at Kirrin Station.  Among her fellow passengers Ellie stepped off onto the platform with a feeling of apprehension, a frisson of excitement– and one less shoe than she had boarded with. How on Earth did that happen?

Thanks for any comments

jo

Offline Angelness

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #550 on: July 16, 2008, 01:23:47 PM »
So, I started a new story a few days ago. The man is a Vampire, and he's supposed to be mysterious. This is more of a Prologue than anything; you're not really supposed to know who he is. Yah. Anyway, the rest of the Prologue is several pages long, but what do you think of the first paragraph?

The sun’s clutches over the sky faded as the rosy pink hues gave way to the solid darkness of night. The moon was little more than a sliver in the sky, the stars dimmed by a heavy layer of clouds when the footsteps finally gave away his presence. Leather boots landed lightly on the dirt path, leaving little indication that their owner had ever passed. His deep emerald eyes glinted slightly in the darkness as he approached the single farmhouse at the end of the path. His eyes narrowed to slits as he walked up the handmade, wooden steps leading to the front door. He knocked once with the firm brass knocker, sending a single echo throughout the old fashioned home, alerting its single inhabitant.
« Last Edit: July 17, 2008, 08:59:54 PM by Angelness »

Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #551 on: July 18, 2008, 11:04:16 AM »
She was standing there naked with a 9 mm in her hand and the body was there covered in blood. Next question?

JH :)

Offline SteveJ

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #552 on: July 18, 2008, 11:08:25 AM »
It'd be a lot more effective like this, Mr Mull ;D ;D ;D

He was standing there naked with 9 mm in his hand.
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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #553 on: July 18, 2008, 11:10:42 AM »
less effective like this;

Quote
he was standing there with a 3mm in his hand
.

Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #554 on: July 18, 2008, 11:15:18 AM »
U-m-m-m what you don't see is the knife in her other hand!!
Jh