Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 762156 times)

Offline Andrewf

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #480 on: April 19, 2008, 04:14:49 PM »
The way this idea came to me was of Stark recording entries in the flight recorder... so it would all be in his voice as spoken.

I'll try finishing it like that... and then change it around to see which way works better in the long run...


Thanks Solitaire.  :)


Andrew
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Offline Roisin

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #481 on: April 20, 2008, 12:04:03 AM »
One question--is Danny Avery your hero?  If so, you might want to change the second paragraph to begin with Private Investigator Danny, etc. and putting the sentence about the reception after it, as below. 

Hm.. that is a good idea; nothing major but changes things quite a bit.
thank you for your thoughtful input, Solitaire


Cheers,
Roisin
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Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #482 on: April 20, 2008, 10:27:47 PM »
“You can’t tell anyone I’m alive.”

The woman’s voice crackled as the reception faded. Private Investigator Danny Avery leaned forward in his chair, pressing the phone to his ear. He shifted his considerable bulk and the chair squeaked in protest.

“Hello? Miss? Are you still there?”

There were a few seconds of silence before she responded. “Yes, yes I’m here. Sorry, I had to…distance myself from someone.”

Danny frowned, creasing his pale, freckled brow. “Are you all right, Miss? If it would make you feel safer, you can come up to my office and-“

“No! No, I can’t be seen there. Listen. I haven’t got much time. A package will arrive with the morning post tomorrow. Everything you need is included. Now, I really have to go.”

“Wait, Miss? Hello?”

You could've asked before you stole my line.
I asked nicely before I "borrowed" a line from Gyppo.

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Offline Roisin

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #483 on: April 21, 2008, 12:52:26 AM »
I stole your line???

Oh my goodness; I had no idea. apologies!!
Writing a book is a long, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand.
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Offline wildlegends

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #484 on: April 21, 2008, 10:02:05 AM »
Ok, here's the opening paragraph to my novel PRISM - Exiles:

"Consider this. You are just an ordinary person, with nothing special to set you apart from the crowd. You have no unique skills or talents. You live a mundane life in an ordinary house in the suburbs of a run-of-the-mill town. You may be eighteen or eighty, and immersed in no-ones problems but your own. Then one day your world is turned upside down. You find yourself suddenly thrown together with five hundred other souls, severed from the life you once knew. Gone are the securities of technology, resource, and amenity that you once took for granted. In their place are hardship, uncertainty and fear. Now you must fend for yourself. So ask yourself this – how would you fare?"

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Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #485 on: April 21, 2008, 01:27:01 PM »
Quote
Oh my goodness; I had no idea. apologies!!
Apology accepted, I didn't mind you taking the line, I was kinda cheesed that you hadn't asked.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline S-wo

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #486 on: May 13, 2008, 05:29:01 PM »
to wildlegends, I think you're paragraph certainly gets the reader's attention and makes him think. There's really not too much one can do in the first paragraph, but I believed that you have done it.

Offline wildlegends

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #487 on: May 14, 2008, 03:10:12 PM »
Many thanks, S-wo, I appreciate your appreciation  ;D

Here's hoping lots of other people will feel likewise, and actually buy the book!  :D

Offline SteveJ

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #488 on: May 14, 2008, 03:15:34 PM »
Here's the edited opening lines of my latest opus:

Jed Lamborghini woke up one morning to find he was living in the Wild West, in his bed.
He lit a consolatory Turkish cigarette and mused on his fatalistic destiny.
He looked down at his clothes; a sheriff's badge, spurs (not the football team),
a big hat, and those funny leather trousers the Village People used to wear.
Jed was momentarily befluxed, but then he remembered the reason for his Western dilemma:

 'It must have been caused by those Satanic time-travel rituals I performed.'
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Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #489 on: May 14, 2008, 04:14:46 PM »
This is the opening paragraph of 'An Occasional Warrior' that I wrote sometime ago.

“BAM!”  Although there was a model O silencer on his 9mm Browning, it was the loudest shot he had ever heard.  As if it were moving in slow motion, the bullet left the barrel and slammed into her head above the left eye.  It exited the upper back of her head and entered the wall above the headboard, followed by skull fragments, gray matter and blood, leaving a reddish mist floating above her head.  He could see the disbelief in her eyes in the second her body hesitated before slumping down in the bed.  She was dead.
J

Offline Cathy C

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #490 on: May 14, 2008, 07:59:34 PM »
I like the para, J and would read more because it sounds like my kind of story but...and isn't there always one. :(

I want to know who's talking, right from the off.

You have the situation (boy, have you) but I think you need a name in here, right at the fore:

Quote
“BAM!”  Although there was a model O silencer on his 9mm Browning, it was the loudest shot Jake Curtis had ever heard.

I'm using the name Jake just as an example, you will have your own, but now that he has a name we want to know more about him, like:

Why did he have a 9mm Browning in the first place, and the fact that he has a model O silencer tells us immediately that he's someone not to be messed with.

Quote
As if it were moving in slow motion, the bullet left the barrel and slammed into her head above the left eye.  It exited the upper back of her head and entered the wall above the headboard, followed by skull fragments, gray matter and blood, leaving a reddish mist floating above her head.  He could see the disbelief in her eyes in the second her body hesitated before slumping down in the bed.  She was dead.


Again, I want some emotion here - not necessarily the girls name (Although that would help, knowing who she is would make her death have that much more impact and would get rid of all those 'hers' :-\)

But what I really want to know is how her death affects 'Jake.'

Is she important to the story, an old love, enemy? Does her death put him in even more danger or maybe it's just a sign of a plan gone wrong???

I would also leave out the 'bam!' - it's not necessary - you say it all in the next line.

I know this sounds like a  lot, but honestly, I wouldn't comment if your para didn't 'call' to me.

I would read the book from just this short piece. I'd just like to see it... stronger. :-\



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Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #491 on: May 14, 2008, 08:28:03 PM »
Cathy C.
Maybe the rest of the opening scene will help explain why I used the word ‘Bam‘. It wakes him up. I look forward to seeing what you think of the whole scene. The next scene flashes back two weeks explaining what lead up this night.
Thanks for your help
JH
Hundo sat up in bed with the sound of his scream still ringing in his head.  He pushed himself up and leaned against the headboard for a minute before reaching for a cigarette.  He took a long drag and held it before blowing it out in a circle.  It was the same nightmare he’d had every night since returning five days ago. Why didn’t I just believe Tommy and turn down the mission?...  No!  I had to prove him wrong.  He blew another smoke ring and watched it drift upward.
“Fuck!”  He jumped out of bed, walked into the living room and poured four fingers of brandy.  He gulped it down, then threw the glass against the wall, shattering it.  He stalked into the bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror.  For a second he thought of hitting his image.  Instead he uttered, “fuck” again under his breath.  He threw the cigarette in the john. Gotta quit these things, they’re killers.  He laughed at the irony.  He took a pill from an army prescription bottle and washed it down with water from his cupped hand, then went back to his bedroom and dropped onto the bed.  He had to get some sleep if he was going to his friend’s New Year’s Eve party.

Offline Cathy C

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #492 on: May 14, 2008, 08:43:54 PM »
He sounds like a man haunted by nightmares of things he has done, J.

I do like your style of writing - a lot - but you were asking about a first para interesting a publisher.

I stand by my answer - I think a publisher would want more.
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Offline Swampfox one

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #493 on: May 14, 2008, 08:56:21 PM »
Cathy c.
You are right. I do not believe a publisher reads past the first few lines then decides to toss it or read on.
Thanks
JH

  Although there was a model O silencer on his 9mm Browning, it was the loudest shot Hundo Lane had ever heard.  As if it were moving in slow motion, the bullet left the barrel and slammed into her head above the left eye.  It exited the upper back of her head and entered the wall above the headboard, followed by skull fragments, gray matter and blood, leaving a reddish mist floating above her head.  He could see the disbelief in her eyes in the second her body hesitated before slumping down in the bed.  Michelle was dead.

Offline Cathy C

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #494 on: May 14, 2008, 09:22:20 PM »
Much better, now I am really intersted to know who Hundo is and what he is up to, and more importantly, who Michelle  was and what she had to do with his life.

You've got me asking questions already and it's only the first para - well done
 
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Short Story: A Killer Week Published by Bridge House http://amzn.to/2rhLVAX