Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 765994 times)

Offline Omni

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #435 on: December 05, 2007, 07:43:48 PM »
Thoughts may be italicised although not all writers do, but not enclosed in speech marks.

Yeah, they can be in speech marks. It's not the convention, but I've seen it done in published works more than once.

Offline Gyppo

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #436 on: December 06, 2007, 07:01:33 AM »
I've only ever seen one 'stiletto heel break' but the poor lass concerned was carrying a suitcase and she went straight down onto the railway platform with a sickening thud.  A couple of us helped pick her up and she was quite dazed for a while, with ripped and bloody holes in the knees of her stockings/tights and badly grazed palms where she'd instinctively tried to save herself.

That to me seems far more likely than Violette's almost gentle self-recrimination.  I can believe in her thought processes, but only a little while later, after the event.

But I'm only speaking from what I saw, just the once.  Perhaps there are countless legions of sylph-le women who can move with gazelle-like grace in stilettos whilst lugging a suitcase and not fall over when one snaps unexpectedly.

However, you have managed to convey quite a bit about Violette, her personality, and indeed appearance in those few words, so please don't take this as a criticism of your writing.  It's just that the 'action' seems a tad unrealistic to me.

Gyppo
« Last Edit: December 06, 2007, 07:08:15 AM by Gyppo »
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Offline Vivienne

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #437 on: December 06, 2007, 01:40:01 PM »
Thanks for your thoughts everybody - they're printed off for consultation when I'm ready to tackle it again.

The comment from "writer's block" about not being sure what sort of story it's going to be is very to the point - neither do I. I think that's the basic problem. I want it to be a literary historical novel, but it sometimes reads like a Mills and Boon.

Vivienne
There is no such thing as personality;just circumstances.

Offline Gayle

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #438 on: December 06, 2007, 05:36:55 PM »
I've had this project fermenting in my brain for several years now but only recently figured out how and where to start it. What do you think?

     My lungs refused to move.
     Our math teacher was demonstrating integers on the chalkboard but his words were getting lost in my pain. I counted the seconds, trying to inhale as I waited for my lungs to start moving again. One. Two. Three. Four...my sudden intake of breath made a couple of my classmates look in my direction. Fantastic. The high school gossip mill was going to be raging by the time I got to the cafeteria.
     It wasn't the first time my lungs had failed to do what I had told them but it was the first time it happened in public.
« Last Edit: December 06, 2007, 05:39:45 PM by Gayle »
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Offline Writers Block

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #439 on: December 06, 2007, 05:46:45 PM »
Thanks for your thoughts everybody - they're printed off for consultation when I'm ready to tackle it again.

The comment from "writer's block" about not being sure what sort of story it's going to be is very to the point - neither do I. I think that's the basic problem. I want it to be a literary historical novel, but it sometimes reads like a Mills and Boon.

Vivienne

I've tried a few mills&boon some were so dire i didnt get far, a few I actually enjoyed (regency romance) so the standard of writing varies.

I recommend to people they try all kinds of books, didn't seem fair of me to suggest that if I wasnt going to do it myself:)

Sometimes popular well known authors start with such works published by mills and boon, so to dismiss all of a particular type because of that could possibly be short-sighted.

Incidentally, my mother is a big fan of Nora Roberts, who has 150plus NYT best sellers, she has been bublished by Mills and Boon. :o
I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

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Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Offline Writers Block

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #440 on: December 06, 2007, 05:48:14 PM »
Thanks for your thoughts everybody - they're printed off for consultation when I'm ready to tackle it again.

The comment from "writer's block" about not being sure what sort of story it's going to be is very to the point - neither do I. I think that's the basic problem. I want it to be a literary historical novel, but it sometimes reads like a Mills and Boon.

Vivienne

Whilst I remember, hope you find the comments helpful, even if you don't agree with em.

And,

Sometimes it's best to leave something alone for a while, even if that while is many years.

Very important: start something else.
I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Offline Writers Block

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #441 on: December 06, 2007, 05:50:14 PM »
I've had this project fermenting in my brain for several years now but only recently figured out how and where to start it. What do you think?

     My lungs refused to move.
     Our math teacher was demonstrating integers on the chalkboard but his words were getting lost in my pain. I counted the seconds, trying to inhale as I waited for my lungs to start moving again. One. Two. Three. Four...my sudden intake of breath made a couple of my classmates look in my direction. Fantastic. The high school gossip mill was going to be raging by the time I got to the cafeteria.
     It wasn't the first time my lungs had failed to do what I had told them but it was the first time it happened in public.

Yup, looks promising. Nice opening line, catches our attention. Following sentence amplified the first sentence without explaining it, so we (or at least I ;) ) are intrigued.
I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Offline Gyppo

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #442 on: December 06, 2007, 06:05:27 PM »
Caught my attention alright ;-)
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

PaulW

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #443 on: December 06, 2007, 07:10:43 PM »
Same here - that's a really good start Gayle - grabbed me and held me there.

Offline Gayle

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #444 on: December 06, 2007, 10:36:59 PM »
Thanks Writer's Block, Gyppo, and Paul! Now if I just keep up that pacing for the next 400 pages I'll be laughing.  ::)
"I was born of writing. Before that, there was only a play of mirrors." - Jean Paul Sartre

Offline Writers Block

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #445 on: December 07, 2007, 03:25:11 PM »
Thanks Writer's Block, Gyppo, and Paul! Now if I just keep up that pacing for the next 400 pages I'll be laughing.  ::)

Bah, 399 should do it. :P

I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #446 on: December 28, 2007, 06:00:38 AM »
He sat staring at the banana, pondering its decision to be an Allan Arbus impersonator.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline Ancient Woodland

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #447 on: December 28, 2007, 06:57:29 AM »
The ugly grey scout ship winked into existence at the edge of the system. It was not accompanied by any pyrotechnics, nor had it retained any real velocity. Hawkings’ drives don’t work that way. It simply appeared without fuss, one moment there was vacuum and the next there was six thousand tonnes of rather beaten up looking starship.

Offline Spud

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #448 on: January 02, 2008, 09:45:10 AM »
Sounds like a good thread. here's mine.

  In a moment everything changed.  No longer the sound of the terrifying artillery barrage that boomed over their trench, peppering the landscape, (not thirty yards away from them) with dirty great big craters, shaking the ground on which they stood, and themselves to the core.  But now silence, apart from the sound of the bitter wind which whistled over the top of the trench, blowing with it the fine sleety snow that had started falling earlier that morning, when Albert was on his watch.  And the odd crack of fire, coming from sniper riffles on both the German and Allied sides.


Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #449 on: February 12, 2008, 09:10:57 AM »
Quote
In a moment everything changed.  No longer the sound of the terrifying artillery barrage that boomed over their trench, peppering the landscape, (not thirty yards away from them) with dirty great big craters, shaking the ground on which they stood, and themselves to the core.  But now silence, apart from the sound of the bitter wind which whistled over the top of the trench, blowing with it the fine sleety snow that had started falling earlier that morning, when Albert was on his watch.  And the odd crack of fire, coming from sniper riffles on both the German and Allied sides.

I'm intrigued, sorry for not saying earlier.

This isn't a first line but I want to test it out, please note that the MC is walking away from the action.

Whack, thud, they screamed.
Never make a decision standing up.