Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 741320 times)

Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #420 on: November 21, 2007, 09:44:52 PM »
I have lost sensitive data before, thankfully it wasn't mine.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline Cathy C

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #421 on: November 21, 2007, 09:48:10 PM »
Then you are, indeed, a Politican ;D
Novel: Where There’s Smoke. Published by Fireborn publishing http://amzn.to/2tZKNCn

Short Story: A Killer Week Published by Bridge House http://amzn.to/2rhLVAX

Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #422 on: November 21, 2007, 09:51:44 PM »
No, I'm just a simple country, hey can we have the national anthem in the background, please... that's better. No, I'm just a young boy from the country side who wants, to, make, a, difference.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline Cathy C

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #423 on: November 21, 2007, 09:53:38 PM »
It's not the National Anthem you want - it's a hay stack and a REALLY big pitch fork. ;D
Novel: Where There’s Smoke. Published by Fireborn publishing http://amzn.to/2tZKNCn

Short Story: A Killer Week Published by Bridge House http://amzn.to/2rhLVAX

Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #424 on: November 21, 2007, 09:55:14 PM »
Westminster, I'd find more needles than hay. If hay is meant as a metaphor for an honest person.
Never make a decision standing up.

Lin

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #425 on: November 22, 2007, 05:04:40 AM »
Stay on track guys - thanks Lin x x x x x

Offline thatollie

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #426 on: November 22, 2007, 08:28:13 PM »
Sorry Lin.
I shall have to come up with another opening to make this thread piracy justified.
Later...

Never make a decision standing up.

Nadine L

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #427 on: December 02, 2007, 04:15:44 AM »
This might get us back on task, or not!  ;D

http://www.absolutewrite.com/novels/killer_first_lines.htm

Nadine

Offline Writers Block

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #428 on: December 03, 2007, 05:20:38 PM »
OK

I've not contributed for ages to this thread.


Lucky leapt from the plane. Listening for the tell-tale sound of a flapping parashute, caught him nothing but the shreaking, whistle of air.

"Damn!" He felt the vibration as he spoke, but the words were stolen by the wind.

He pulled the rip-cord for the backup 'shute.

His speed continued to increase.
I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Offline Cathy C

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #429 on: December 03, 2007, 07:13:32 PM »
I like this, WB - immediately draws me in.

Not only am I wondering if Lucky survived but I want to know the reason why his parachute didn't open (Do I detect the whiff of foul play? ;D)

Couple of comments:

Quote
Lucky leapt from the plane. Listening for the tell-tale sound of a flapping parashute, caught him nothing but the shreaking, whistle of air.

I'd be inclined to put the first two sentences together - they make more sense that way. :-\

Lucky leapt from the plane, listening for the tell-tale sound of a flapping parachute. A shrieking, whistle of air was his only answer.

And I'd add a bit here.

Quote
He pulled the rip-cord for the backup 'shute.

Nothing happened.

His speed continued to increase
.

Don't know why, for some reason that line just popped into my head when I read your excerpt. :-\

I'd read on - well done




Novel: Where There’s Smoke. Published by Fireborn publishing http://amzn.to/2tZKNCn

Short Story: A Killer Week Published by Bridge House http://amzn.to/2rhLVAX

Offline Writers Block

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #430 on: December 04, 2007, 03:08:39 PM »
Yeh Cathy.

I feel it needs something, I just don't want to put the obvious, so I left it out hoping for inspiration, only had perspiration so far. :P

Thanks for comments. ;D
I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Offline Wolf

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #431 on: December 04, 2007, 03:24:37 PM »
Hi, I am new here and thought this might be a good place to get my feet wet - opening line to my current work in progress:-

It's eyes, two pools of midnight in the dead of winter, stared back.

Cheers.
It is not the darkness I fear - it is the lack of a light.

Offline Writers Block

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #432 on: December 04, 2007, 06:08:10 PM »
Welcome to MWC.

Introduce yourself in the thread provided btw. ;)

Nice and emotive. ;D

Just one thing,

Quote
It's eyes, two pools of midnight in the dead of winter, stared back.

'It's eyes' should be "Its eyes".

His, hers and its have no possesive apostrophe.:)

I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Offline Vivienne

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #433 on: December 05, 2007, 01:38:27 PM »
   Here's the first 75 words of a novel which will probably never see daylight although I've written about  15 000 words:



As she clicked her way across the cobbled yard carrying a suitcase much too heavy for her slight frame, Violette heard the snap of her stiletto heel breaking off.  “Well, that serves me right for wanting to make an elegant first impression”, she thought, regretting the francs unnecessarily spent on shoes she was hardly going to wear in her new job, “especially with the eyes of Monsieur le Maire still burning holes in my back.”







There is no such thing as personality;just circumstances.

Offline Writers Block

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #434 on: December 05, 2007, 06:40:32 PM »
I like parts of it, however the part about carrying a suitcase too large for her frame is kind of cliched and is also an oxymoron: she is carrying it so it can't be.

Thoughts may be italicised although not all writers do, but not enclosed in speech marks.

Quote
“Well, that serves me right for wanting to make an elegant first impression”, she thought, regretting the francs unnecessarily spent on shoes she was hardly going to wear in her new job, “especially with the eyes of Monsieur le Maire still burning holes in my back.”
- the two parts that are thoughts don't exactly follow on for me, as though the second set of thoughts are influenced by what followed 'she thought'. Yet that seems to be normal prose, not thoughts?

If I was starting as you have, I'd be tempted to have s short first sentence, perhaps even very shory. Not entirely sure what sort of story you intend, but I'd play around with different beginnings until you get something you want.

Try showing the readers, not telling. Show them its heavy, large. Don't tell them. ;)


Crackkk.

Violette cursed her new shoes - now useless.

Removing them, she struggled with the large suitcase, and could already feel a line of sweat tickling its way down her spine.

"Damn it!"

She could feel Monsieur le Maire watching her, and could imagine his sneering smile, happy at her mishap. She would soon be the one smiling, Violette promised herself.
I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.