Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 681587 times)

Offline lynne-lynn

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #30 on: July 18, 2006, 09:56:26 AM »
1ST TIME WRITER

Lexi wakes with" hot fire" in the pit of her belly you would think with all the sucking and bumping last night the "fire" would be gone by now. Last night I went to gay bar and met this big booty chick who works at a local firm, I have seen het at lunch Cafe De'Els.What a night.

She rolls over, looks at Lamont her husband of 8 years with a temporay feeling of disgust 'no or is it saddness. Oh well what ever it is, it's just not important enough cause I'am still hornny from last night" and pretty sore it was my first time wearing a Strap-on you would have thought I did a 20k marathon. Shit where is my vibrater maybe If I hit one more nut I could focus on "Lamont " and the Kids.

Offline Apocalypse

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #31 on: July 18, 2006, 01:29:55 PM »
Comment to above - Well has a very direct beginning which is what alot of stories lack these days- very good.
Also gives you directly information about the core character (I think) also very effective and good.

« Last Edit: July 18, 2006, 03:21:24 PM by Apocalypse »
It was a small measure of piece I found-

Even though it didn't last long-

For the first & last time in our lifes-

I found a small measure of piece.

I had a angel of mercy to see me through all my sin

So it's amazing that in a blink of an eye-

You can finally see the light

Offline chillies

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #32 on: July 18, 2006, 02:15:11 PM »
This is a great thread. And I agree with eveyone who thinks that the first paragraph is important in any piece of writing, not to mention the first sentence.

I've included my first paragraph, tell me what you think

chillies


What could have drove Frank Webster over the edge? A mild mannered person, content with his work and respected by many. Yet here, in the garage of his home, he stands over the lifeless body of his wife Sheila, with bloodied knife still in his hand.  Motionless, he contemplates their years of married life and the events that led up to this very second whilst her blood stains the newly re-laid grey cement flooring.

Nadine L

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #33 on: July 18, 2006, 03:14:15 PM »
Chillies,

First off, I'm moving elsewhere if anyone named Frank Webster moves in next door!  So, I guess you got my attention.

I'll have to ponder this a bit.  The second thought (after the one above) was the last line distracted me.  Started thinking about my hubby and his concerns for our garage floor, but doesn't notice when he's made a mess in the kitchen.  (Did I just say that out loud? Sorry!)

I can't pick it out at the moment but the last sentences doesn't do justice to the beginning.  I have no idea why I am fixating on the end of samples this week.  Must be the heat -- 116 f the other day.

Maybe something about her blood pulsing out.  Something along the lines of more detail about the people and less about the floor color.

This thread is quite fun.  Thanks for starting it, Lin.

Nadine
« Last Edit: July 18, 2006, 04:42:41 PM by Lin »

Offline Gltagaman

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #34 on: July 18, 2006, 03:30:30 PM »
An extract from my revised first chapter:

A FARANDOLE FOR THREE

The June sunbeams coursed through the leaves of the ancient oak trees, whose branches almost formed a canopy over the lane, projecting a dappled pattern on the bonnet of the red Peugeot. I drove with my former comrade, Luther Pawnov besides me. That pattern took me back to those shadows of the same trees cast by the moonbeams on the bonnet of the grey Kubelwagen nearly fifty years before.

Comments

Geoff
Have Thinkpad will write

Lin

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #35 on: July 18, 2006, 04:50:55 PM »

Topic Summary
Posted on: Today at 21:30:30Posted by: Gltagaman 
Insert Quote
An extract from my revised first chapter:

A FARANDOLE FOR THREE

The June sunbeams coursed through the leaves of the ancient oak trees, whose branches almost formed a canopy over the lane, projecting a dappled pattern on the bonnet of the red Peugeot. I drove with my former comrade, Luther Pawnov besides me. That pattern took me back to those shadows of the same trees cast by the moonbeams on the bonnet of the grey Kubelwagen nearly fifty years before.
 


COMMENT FOR GEOFF

Im not sure whether this was too descriptive in the first line, its a beautiful description but I rather felt it wasn't getting to the point quick enough for me.  Maybe "whose branches formed a canopy over the lane" isnt necessary.  I felt it was too long to catch my attention.  And "The pattern took me back" could be changed to "I recalled a time, fifty years before,  when the shadows of the same trees were cast by moonbeams on the bonnet of a grey Kubelwagen.  I think that sharpens the image.

Just another way of putting it, but in this respect perhaps its more to the point and grabs my attention sooner.  What do you think?   Just some ideas to throw around.   You do write well though, its very good.

Lin
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Nadine L

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #36 on: July 18, 2006, 05:03:29 PM »
Geoff,

It's very literary -- something that is hardly written in the States these days.  (Maybe we have forgotten how.) I like literary, so you are now on my radar!

Felt that maybe a couple of sentences were long.  Make some of the longer ones into two -- especially the first sentence.  That would make it feel as if it moved a bit faster.  But, keep a few long for the variety.

Sorry this is vague, but it is this or nothing -- I'm in a deadline rush here. 

Nadine

Nadine L

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #37 on: July 18, 2006, 08:02:10 PM »
Sorry if this is bad form, but it's on topic.

If you're not into pod humor, you might not know this blog.

If you write pod, you should know it and read it.

http://girlondemand.blogspot.com/

Today's topic: bad opening lines.  Yes, really.

And, June 29th is a hoot, too. (Mistakes novice writers make)

Nadine

Offline Jean

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #38 on: July 19, 2006, 09:17:06 AM »

Caitlin felt the dream long before it appeared; felt it but, as always, was powerless to stop it. Her heart began to pound, blood rushing through veins and arteries at an alarming rate. She struggled to wake. But the only thing her desperate thrashing served to do was tie her up more firmly in the sheets until in the end, her body, like her mind, was caught and held in the dreamís rigid grasp.

It began, as it always did, with a face in a mirror. Her face!

CATHY C

Cathy, I thought you did a great job leading into the story. It caught my interest right away. You used some long sentences but broke them up nicely with appropriate punctuation and a short sentence in between, so it did not make it hard to follow what was happening. The line about seeing her own face in a mirror was effective in moving us into the actual dream, and made me want to read more.

If the rest of the story is as well-written as this lead, you have a winner IMHO.
Jean

Offline Cathy C

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #39 on: July 19, 2006, 08:14:33 PM »
Quote
Caitlin felt the dream long before it appeared; felt it but, as always, was powerless to stop it. Her heart began to pound, blood rushing through veins and arteries at an alarming rate. She struggled to wake. But the only thing her desperate thrashing served to do was tie her up more firmly in the sheets until in the end, her body, like her mind, was caught and held in the dreamís rigid grasp.

Quote
It began, as it always did, with a face in a mirror. Her face!

CATHY C


Cathy, I thought you did a great job leading into the story. It caught my interest right away. You used some long sentences but broke them up nicely with appropriate punctuation and a short sentence in between, so it did not make it hard to follow what was happening. The line about seeing her own face in a mirror was effective in moving us into the actual dream, and made me want to read more.

If the rest of the story is as well-written as this lead, you have a winner IMHO.
Jean
Wow, thank you Jean. (Am dancing round the floor here. ;D)

This was my first attempt at writing (about eight years ago). The book turned out too long (400,000 words to be exact! :o) and I spent so much time cutting it down, writing and re-writing that I'd actually given up hope on it.

Between you and Lin I'm tempted to revive it and breathe some new life into it.

Thanks again

CATHY C
Novel: Where Thereís Smoke. Published by Fireborn publishing http://amzn.to/2tZKNCn

Short Story: A Killer Week Published by Bridge House http://amzn.to/2rhLVAX

Offline Cathy C

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #40 on: July 19, 2006, 08:26:41 PM »
Quote
This is a great thread. And I agree with eveyone who thinks that the first paragraph is important in any piece of writing, not to mention the first sentence.

I've included my first paragraph, tell me what you think

chillies


What could have drove Frank Webster over the edge? A mild mannered person, content with his work and respected by many. Yet here, in the garage of his home, he stands over the lifeless body of his wife Sheila, with bloodied knife still in his hand.  Motionless, he contemplates their years of married life and the events that led up to this very second whilst her blood stains the newly re-laid grey cement flooring.

Hi Chillies,


Love the first sentence. ;D Immediately gets my attention.

The second one though, jars a little.  :-\ The way you've written it, it goes nowhere.

Quote
A mild mannered person, content with his work and respected by many.

Should it read: 'He was a mild mannered person, content with his work and respected by many?'

Good start, gets my vote

CATHY C


Novel: Where Thereís Smoke. Published by Fireborn publishing http://amzn.to/2tZKNCn

Short Story: A Killer Week Published by Bridge House http://amzn.to/2rhLVAX

Offline cheriker

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #41 on: July 20, 2006, 11:04:32 AM »
An extract from my revised first chapter:

A FARANDOLE FOR THREE

The June sunbeams coursed through the leaves of the ancient oak trees, whose branches almost formed a canopy over the lane, projecting a dappled pattern on the bonnet of the red Peugeot. I drove with my former comrade, Luther Pawnov besides me. That pattern took me back to those shadows of the same trees cast by the moonbeams on the bonnet of the grey Kubelwagen nearly fifty years before.

Comments

Geoff

Geoff, I thought this was great.  I agree - very literary; however I definitely would break up the first sentence into two, which would help the flow of the imagery.  The second sentence, though, seems oddly out of place.  I think I would try something like this:

The June sunbeams coursed through the leaves of the ancient oak trees. Their branches almost formed a canopy over the lane, projecting a dappled pattern on the bonnet of the red Peugeot. That pattern took me back to those shadows of the same trees cast by the moonbeams on the bonnet of the grey Kubelwagen nearly fifty years before.

I drove with my former comrade, Luther Pawnov besides me.

Cheri

Offline cheriker

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #42 on: July 20, 2006, 11:13:59 AM »

Caitlin felt the dream long before it appeared; felt it but, as always, was powerless to stop it. Her heart began to pound, blood rushing through veins and arteries at an alarming rate. She struggled to wake. But the only thing her desperate thrashing served to do was tie her up more firmly in the sheets until in the end, her body, like her mind, was caught and held in the dreamís rigid grasp.

It began, as it always did, with a face in a mirror. Her face!

CATHY C

Cathy, I loved this.  Truly grabbed me and I want to read more.

Cheri

Offline cheriker

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #43 on: July 20, 2006, 11:28:52 AM »
OK, here's mine.  Be firm but kind.


It was not the sort of day one would imagine for a funeral.  The sky should have been heavy with clouds.  It should have been pouring rain.  Instead, the morning sky was a clear, China blue, a hue that could only be found in Carolina in the early spring.  How was it possible to bury her father on such a radiant day?

But then no one besides Emma knew he'd been murdered.



Cheri

Lin

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #44 on: July 20, 2006, 11:54:44 AM »
Topic Summary
Posted on: Today at 17:28:52Posted by: cheriker 
Insert Quote
OK, here's mine.  Be firm but kind.


It was not the sort of day one would imagine for a funeral.  The sky should have been heavy with clouds.  It should have been pouring rain.  Instead, the morning sky was a clear, China blue, a hue that could only be found in Carolina in the early spring.  How was it possible to bury her father on such a radiant day?

But then no one besides Emma knew he'd been murdered.


Reply from Lin

I liked this it grabbed me but I do think you should put the last paragraph together with the first para.   eg




It was not the sort of day one would imagine for a funeral.  The sky should have been heavy with clouds.  It should have been pouring rain.  Instead, the morning sky was a clear, China blue, a hue that could only be found in Carolina in the early spring.  How was it possible to bury her father on such a radiant day? But then no one besides Emma knew he'd been murdered.

I wanted more

Lin