Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 810552 times)

Offline CarrieSheppard

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #210 on: November 25, 2006, 11:07:21 AM »
Prickecake and Guma

Believe is or not - this is the start of a ghost story.  Too technical an intro???


LDIR was the first station to broadcast direct injection radio.  The trials were successful, and the ear implants harmless and it has to be said now seen as a status symbol.

Based on the South Bank of Canary Wharf, in the mega-complex of the Glass Bridge, their broadcast radius was just eight miles but within those eight miles they took in 90% of the top financial institutions in the country.  And LDIR was launched to broadcast business news hitting their target audience with regular bulletins on the fast moving international finance world hitting quicker than the internet, than email, than phone alerts, than any other media had yet to come up with.

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #211 on: November 25, 2006, 02:06:28 PM »
Without knowing more Carrie, I'm not sure if it's too technical or not. 

It certainly doesn't give away the fact a ghost is going to appear sooner or later.  And for me, I would have to say this opening doesn't exactly 'grab' my attention.  Maybe if you added at least one character, even if a minor one, to the mix it would give me something to wonder about other than a radio station.  But that's just me.  I'll be interested to see what others think.

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The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

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Offline CarrieSheppard

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #212 on: November 25, 2006, 03:29:16 PM »
OK - I agree.  How's this revision of the first para

LDIR was the first station to broadcast direct injection radio.  The trials were successful, and the ear implants harmless and it has to be said now seen as a status symbol.  But this innovative technology was going to lead, eventually, to something that no one could have anticipated. 


Offline Lingo South

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #213 on: November 25, 2006, 10:27:02 PM »
Hi Carrie

Who am I to tell you, but as a reader the second is better...the detail is not needed to begin a suspense....
This one begins to leave you anticipating...More interesting, more moving.

Lingo South

Offline Out-lander

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #214 on: November 25, 2006, 11:05:31 PM »
Hi guys.  This is a possible new opening for my novel as I was not happy with the original. Its about eighty words so not too big and I need to know if it projects a feeling of hopelessness of being trapped.
------------

  Mnoop clenched his fists with all his strength, but the shaking continued. He lowered his face into his trembling hands, bodying jerking, tears falling as the hopelessness of his situation washed over him. He tried to remember how he had managed to end up in this hell hole. How had his life, his existence, come to revolve around working for that b@&*ard Opi?  But it was pointless thinking such things; it changed nothing, there was no escape, no escape.

-------------

Any thoughts, suggestions or changes are more than welcome.

Many thanks for your time and consideration.




N.Mott

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #215 on: November 26, 2006, 05:15:12 AM »
Quote
Mnoop clenched his fists with all his strength, but the shaking continued. He lowered his face into his trembling hands, bodying jerking, tears falling as the hopelessness of his situation washed over him. He tried to remember how he had managed to end up in this hell hole. How had his life, his existence, come to revolve around working for that b@&*ard Opi?  But it was pointless thinking such things; it changed nothing, there was no escape, no escape.

Hi Out-lander

This is good.
I think it just needs tweeking here and there. The following are only suggestions, feel free to ignore them.

My first impression was a lot of words ending in -ing. If you want a fast pace, and convey a sense of tension I would change these to -ed words, and use shorter sentences - But that is just a general point and may not be relevant here.

Not sure you need the with all his strength part, because you have already given that impression with the word clenched, also suggest deleting managed as that is a wish-washy word and implies it was his fault, and delete body jerking which seems out of place here unless he is being tortured, and you have already mentioned that he is shaking.
« Last Edit: November 26, 2006, 01:36:23 PM by NaomiM »

Offline Ann

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #216 on: November 26, 2006, 08:30:04 AM »
Prickecake and Guma

Believe is or not - this is the start of a ghost story.  Too technical an intro???


LDIR was the first station to broadcast direct injection radio.  The trials were successful, and the ear implants harmless and it has to be said now seen as a status symbol.

Based on the South Bank of Canary Wharf, in the mega-complex of the Glass Bridge, their broadcast radius was just eight miles but within those eight miles they took in 90% of the top financial institutions in the country.  And LDIR was launched to broadcast business news hitting their target audience with regular bulletins on the fast moving international finance world hitting quicker than the internet, than email, than phone alerts, than any other media had yet to come up with.

Hi Carrie

Here is my two centimes worth of crit.

I like this first opening better than your second.  For me, it sets the scene - efficiently - gives me a 'flavour' of the story.  Already I'm seeing, smelling and tasting the setting.  I like the aspect of space you've introduced. It's paradoxical, which I like:  tiny, in planetary terms - only eight miles - yet vast, in terms of 'business space'.  It illustrates straight off, how while radio may intrude into only a small 'real' space - it in fact has the power to pervade the 'spaces' of thousands, even millions of lives. And I know from your second version that you're going to introduce another or other dimensions (ghosts).  I'm enticed in version one - I know something is going to happen through this power that radio wields - maybe - and will read on. In your second version , all that is edited out and already I'm guessing that a ghost or ghosts are going to be channelling themselves through the ear implants via the radio station.  I might be wrong in this, but the point is, I found myself protesting at version two - I wasn't allowed to find out where I was, 'have a look round', in the second.  If writers are really legalised voyeurs, so are their readers!

I think you could de-implant 'it has to be said' and it would be 'status symbols' (plural). 

I'd like to read this story when it's finished, so as far as I'm concerned - vis-a-vis version one, it's a success!

Ann
 :)






An artist cannot fail; it is a success to be one. (Charles Horton Cooley)

Offline CarrieSheppard

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #217 on: November 26, 2006, 09:08:26 AM »
Thanks Ann.  I'm still playing with it.  No, the ghosts don't appear through the implants... but nice guess.

Ta for the grammar tip too - still not edited this yet - it's only half written as yet.

Liked your website by the way, but the music link didn't work  :-\

Cheers
Carrie

Offline Ann

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #218 on: November 26, 2006, 10:05:10 AM »
Thanks Ann.  I'm still playing with it.  No, the ghosts don't appear through the implants... but nice guess.

Ta for the grammar tip too - still not edited this yet - it's only half written as yet.

Liked your website by the way, but the music link didn't work  :-\

Cheers
Carrie

Well I hope you will finish this story so I can find out where your ghosts are going to turn up! 
(I haven't got my music page going yet - that's a job for next year).

 :)Ann


An artist cannot fail; it is a success to be one. (Charles Horton Cooley)

Offline CarrieSheppard

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #219 on: November 26, 2006, 10:51:31 AM »
Quote
Well I hope you will finish this story so I can find out where your ghosts are going to turn up! 


Oh yes, it'll be finished - unlike my main WIP - which keeps getting interrupted by stuff like this.  And songs. And poems.. the old brain seems to be on overdrive.  Now if I can just moderate quantity with quality I'll be ok.

Carrie

Offline Ann

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #220 on: November 26, 2006, 12:16:03 PM »


Oh yes, it'll be finished - unlike my main WIP - which keeps getting interrupted by stuff like this.  And songs. And poems.. the old brain seems to be on overdrive.  Now if I can just moderate quantity with quality I'll be ok.

Carrie

Well, as for quantity, I'm looking for an army of zombies so I can use their bodies (to write down my stories, of course).  Maybe I should try the House of Commons.  As for quality, well, I haven't found a solution to that (evidently)!  Good luck!

 :)Ann
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Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #221 on: November 26, 2006, 01:06:59 PM »
LDIR was the first station to broadcast direct injection radio.  The trials were successful, and the ear implants harmless and it has to be said now seen as a status symbol.  But this innovative technology was going to lead, eventually, to something that no one could have anticipated. 

Carrie, sorry it took me so long to get back; but I agree, this is a better opening. 
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

N.Mott

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #222 on: November 26, 2006, 01:34:39 PM »
Quote
LDIR was the first station to broadcast direct injection radio.  The trials were successful, and the ear implants harmless and it has to be said now seen as a status symbol.

Based on the South Bank of Canary Wharf, in the mega-complex of the Glass Bridge, their broadcast radius was just eight miles but within those eight miles they took in 90% of the top financial institutions in the country.  And LDIR was launched to broadcast business news hitting their target audience with regular bulletins on the fast moving international finance world hitting quicker than the internet, than email, than phone alerts, than any other media had yet to come up with.


Hi Carrie

My only query is whether LDIR has a full name? If may help the reader to visualize the company better if you start with its full name, then continue with the acronym in the rest of the novel.

Offline Out-lander

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #223 on: November 26, 2006, 02:44:14 PM »
Hi Out-lander

This is good.
I think it just needs tweeking here and there. The following are only suggestions, feel free to ignore them.

My first impression was a lot of words ending in -ing. If you want a fast pace, and convey a sense of tension I would change these to -ed words, and use shorter sentences - But that is just a general point and may not be relevant here.

Not sure you need the with all his strength part, because you have already given that impression with the word clenched, also suggest deleting managed as that is a wish-washy word and implies it was his fault, and delete body jerking which seems out of place here unless he is being tortured, and you have already mentioned that he is shaking.


NaomiM, many, many thanks for your crit.  I always pressumed that words ending in 'ed' poetrayed as already having happened. What i was going for was present tense, ie, it was happenening as you read it. I see your point about the 'all his strength' statement, and will change it accordingly; oh, and the 'managed' part as well. I appreciate all your points and will revise accordingly.

Again,  many thanks.

N.Mott

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #224 on: November 26, 2006, 04:33:04 PM »
Quote
I always pressumed that words ending in 'ed' poetrayed as already having happened.

Interesting point, Out-lander, I had not thought of it that way, and I don't think it necessarily portrays a past event - I was interested enough to try it out below - but I am sure there are other MWC members who will disagree.  ;D
I was just lookiing at it in terms of how the prose flowed.

1) The girl watched the old man lying on the bed and counted each breath in and out. She breathed a sigh of relief. He was still alive.

2) Watching the old man lying on the bed, the girl counted each breath in and out; breathing a sigh of relief, she knew he was still alive.

To my ear they both seem to be 'in the present', but the -ing join the parts together making a longer sentence. It depends on whether you want  longer sentences or, by changing it to '-ed' words, rack up the pace by breaking it up with full stops and shorten the sentences.