Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 774708 times)

Offline scottslittlebrat

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #195 on: November 11, 2006, 11:54:36 AM »
OK, here goes -

'Edna McInnis' soul had left the building.

Edna, once so full of vim and vigour had been a vital, if not cantankerous member of Sunnyside Rest Home. A vinegary little Scottish woman with a strong opinion on everything from the state of dinner to the state of the Nation.

I don't think "even if cantankerous" sounds better than "if not cantankerous" but maybe you could try something like this....."and downright cantankerous".  She really does sound fiesty so I think it's a good start that would catch the interest of a publisher or reader.

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #196 on: November 11, 2006, 12:24:36 PM »
Quote
'Edna McInnis' soul had left the building.

Edna, once so full of vim and vigour had been a vital, if not cantankerous member of Sunnyside Rest Home. A vinegary little Scottish woman with a strong opinion on everything from the state of dinner to the state of the Nation.

I think 'if not cantankerous' works in this context, although there should be a comma after cantankerous.

Offline scottslittlebrat

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #197 on: November 11, 2006, 01:39:54 PM »
Yep Naomi, I agree.  It was fine the way it was written to begin with.   ;)

Offline bugaboo

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #198 on: November 12, 2006, 01:21:26 PM »
Thanks so much for your comments, I have had a good hard look at it and will play around with it a little. Thanks naomi, I did intend all the V's, hope it works. Although a lot of the story takes place in an old people's home where the heroine works, it is not really about old people, but to highlight death - it's a thread that runs throughout. If nobody minds i've put the rest of the paragraph in...

Edna McInnis' soul had left the building.
Edna, once so full of vim and vigour had been a vital and downright cantankerous member of Sunnyside Rest Home. A vinegary little Scottish woman with a strong opinion on everything from the state of dinner to the state of the Nation, who loved nothing more than a good 'knees-up' at the monthly Tea Dance. She took all in her Celtic stride as she sprayed her fellow pensioners with minestrone whilst pointing out the meals obvious shortcomings.
Angie gently brushed Edna's downy hair, soft as a newborn babes'. It barely covered the old lady's scalp, mottled now with the pinks and browns of age like an explorers map of some alien planet. Perhaps her favourite 'tea cosy' hat would be better, for aesthetic purposes, thought Angie sadly, as Edna would never feel 'a draught through that bloody window' or 'the damp in me bones' again.

Thanks, Hxx

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #199 on: November 12, 2006, 01:32:56 PM »
If nobody minds i've put the rest of the paragraph in...

I for one don't mind a bit.  Rather, I'm glad you did.

It now reads smooth and leaves me wanting to keep reading.  Good work.
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Offline bugaboo

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #200 on: November 12, 2006, 02:11:08 PM »
Thanks so much Country4gal - i've just been hopping around the site and read on another thread that you're writing a vampire story and have been researching bloodletting - I spent a couple of months doing just that for my 'creature of the night' story, then scrapped it all as my research was 'showing' and even bored the pants off me, athough Ifound venupuncture etc, incredibly interesting, my close 'critics' fell, rather ungraciously I thought, asleep >:(
H xx

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #201 on: November 12, 2006, 04:57:58 PM »
You're welcome H.

When I was researching for my vampire, I just punched in "ancient blood letting devices" in Google and received a load of materal.  Much more than I expected. 

H, showing is good, don't understand why you were bored.  Unless that was all you filled it with that is.
A mixture of showing, telling and dialogue (which handled correctly can do both) works well generally.

MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline bugaboo

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #202 on: November 13, 2006, 10:51:53 AM »
Hi country4gal (Alice)? I know i'm being nosy here, but are you from the US?
At first I had the heroine, who by now was beginning to suspect her new boyfriend wasn't being totally honest about his whereabouts at night  ::) visiting her local library and discovering loads of info on bloodletting, I put this down as if she was reading it off the screen - big mistake on my part. I've now incorporated some of the stranger facts through another character. This is working better and i've also written a chapter as backstory, if that makes any sense... I know i'm confused already, sorry...
H xx

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #203 on: November 13, 2006, 11:16:07 AM »
Hi country4gal (Alice)? I know i'm being nosy here, but are you from the US?

I don't think that's nosey at all H.  Yes, I'm in the USA.  I often, okay, usually put Texas first though.
Now if you had asked my weight . . . That would have been nosey.  :D


At first I had the heroine, who by now was beginning to suspect her new boyfriend wasn't being totally honest about his whereabouts at night   visiting her local library and discovering loads of info on bloodletting, I put this down as if she was reading it off the screen - big mistake on my part. I've now incorporated some of the stranger facts through another character. This is working better and i've also written a chapter as backstory, if that makes any sense... I know i'm confused already, sorry...

The only thing you confused me about was why you think it was a mistake to show her as reading the information off the screen.  Sounds believable to me. 
Glad things are working better for you.  Isn't it nice that we can easily move things around from one place in the story to another without having to type the whole things over again.  ;)
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline bugaboo

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #204 on: November 13, 2006, 11:24:08 AM »
Hi, I appear to be chasing you around the threads today instead of writing  :-\. The only bit of Texas i've seen was Houston airport last year when, for some bizarre reason, my hubby decided we should change flights there on the way to Florida!!!! Took 11 hours :o
Have you been published? I'm interested, as recently I read in the Writing Magazine that publishers in America were showing an interest in Vampire chick lit - which sounds like a horrible turn of phrase, but my story is about a 30 something woman who becomes entangled with a faux human. I did try the idea out online for 'publish america' who only wanted a one paragraph synopsis - they didn't bite...
H xx

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #205 on: November 13, 2006, 04:23:54 PM »
Hi, I appear to be chasing you around the threads today instead of writing  . The only bit of Texas i've seen was Houston airport last year when, for some bizarre reason, my hubby decided we should change flights there on the way to Florida!!!! Took 11 hours

I lived in Houston for about three years - many years ago.  Since that time it has mushroomed in size tremendously and I avoid it whenever possible.  Eleven hours to change planes is outrageous.

Okay, to be fair I have to admit Houston has some wonderful aspects.  Their zoo which is fantastic (saw a new born giraffe there once - most awkward and cute thing I may have ever seen.  Also NASA which has tours that are informative and awe inspiring.  Just don't take the tour in mid summer.  Heat stroke time.

Have you been published? I'm interested, as recently I read in the Writing Magazine that publishers in America were showing an interest in Vampire chick lit - which sounds like a horrible turn of phrase, but my story is about a 30 something woman who becomes entangled with a faux human. I did try the idea out online for 'publish america' who only wanted a one paragraph synopsis - they didn't bite...

Unfortunately I haven't been published as yet.  That could be because I haven't sent anything out in ages thought.  >:(
A one paragraph synopis . . . geeze, did they limit the size of the paragraph too?  Talk about keeping it short, sounds like they are seriously trying to do so. 
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline bugaboo

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #206 on: November 14, 2006, 10:56:32 AM »
I find the synopsis the most scary part at the best of times so reducing your whole novel to a short paragraph is, to say the least, a bit taxing. I'm concentrating on agents now who ask for a two page or more synopsis and three chapters. Still wondering about that prologue though ???
We're considering a holiday on the West Coast this year (we did this a couple of years ago and loved San Fransico and Yosemite) however, my husband wants to visit the Grand Canyon and Joshua Tree Desert during the kids summer holidays (July/August) but have been told that its prohibitively hot :o if so when do you think would be the best time to visit - sorry, I seem to have mistaken this for a travel agent website for a moment...:)
Is your novel about a vampire, and if so when is it set?
H xx

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #207 on: November 14, 2006, 07:24:16 PM »
I find the synopsis the most scary part at the best of times so reducing your whole novel to a short paragraph is, to say the least, a bit taxing.

I was once told to write a synopsis as if a friend had asked what your book was about.  Most likely, if a friend asked, you wouldn't go into much detail, just the main plot and a highlight or two.  Made sense to me then and still does.  But I'm sure others would disagree, so I guess the best answer would be, whatever works best for you and your story.

my husband wants to visit the Grand Canyon and Joshua Tree Desert during the kids summer holidays (July/August) but have been told that its prohibitively hot  if so when do you think would be the best time to visit


No probably about it.  During July and Aug. the temps will be in the triple digits during the day and doesn't get a lot cooler at night.  If you can manage it, Spring break would be a much better time to go.  You might need a sweater then, but at least you'll not have to worry about heat stroke or becoming dehydrated. 
It can be and often is done in the summer.  But for those not accustomed to the heat, I wouldn't recommend it.
I sometimes visit friends in AZ during the summer.  But they have A/C and a pool.   :D
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline Lingo South

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #208 on: November 15, 2006, 05:17:48 PM »
We were literally falling out of the sky!  This 727 airliner was going down fast!  Plummeting through the clouds like a runaway roller coaster!  The passengers were almost in a panic as we bounced around and dropped through air pockets that brought our stomachs up into our throats and took our breath away at the same time.  We weren't crashing, we were landing!

This is the beginning of my first writing that is an adventerous trip that goes on for 10 days of unknown surprises and culminates in a hijacking on my way home.  I really do not know what I am doing, but have bought Nick Daws course to help and it just arrived today.  I would like to have honest feedback on this entrance. 

I hope I have posted this correctly...new to me.

Lingo South 

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Re: Sticky: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?
« Reply #209 on: November 15, 2006, 05:43:26 PM »
Lingo, I could say something crass like 'does Nick's book include a warning about overuse of metaphors and exclamation marks?' but actually this section caught the mood perfectly, the beat of the piece felt exactly like a roller coaster ride on an airplane coming in for a bumpy landing, and I was gasping for breath at the end.
(Reminded me of a bumpy landing at Bristol airport on our return from honeymoon - never felt so releaved to be safely on the ground before or since!).

A maverick piece but I really liked it, Keep it up.

Have you considered signing up for NaNoWriMo? - aim to write a 50,000 word novel in a month: http://www.nanowrimo.org/