Author Topic: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?  (Read 769833 times)

Offline kilter

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #120 on: August 07, 2006, 09:55:57 PM »
Aella- you got it. Children's story! Glad you like it. Here's the entire first paragraph- maybe that will help, as it kinda needs to be read in its entirety to make sense, I think.

You can call a dragon anything you like, but it will still be a dragon. They are big, they breathe fire and they can eat an awful lot. They are also extremely lazy, and get very annoyed if they have to go out for a meal. Fortunately, being crafty as well as lazy, dragons long ago invented an excellent way of getting free home delivery. They simply stuff their caves with treasure, and when humans come to steal it they eat them.
-I can't tolerate fools, most likely because I am one.
-Writing is a long winding road, but every curve has its worthwhile view!

Offline Tamara

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #121 on: August 08, 2006, 04:32:16 AM »
You can call a dragon anything you like, but it will still be a dragon. They are big, they breathe fire and they can eat an awful lot. They are also extremely lazy, and get very annoyed if they have to go out for a meal. Fortunately, being crafty as well as lazy, dragons long ago invented an excellent way of getting free home delivery. They simply stuff their caves with treasure, and when humans come to steal it they eat them.


Kilter,
I like this.    I liked the first sentence before you added to it, this part just made it more interesting.

tamara
I tap my fingers on the table to the rhythm in my soul
-Keith Urban

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend,
Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read.   
-Grocho Marx

Offline Main

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #122 on: August 08, 2006, 05:54:55 AM »




     He could not believe his good fortune.  He knew the instant that he woke up this morning that it was going to be his lucky day, a very good day indeed.  She entered the tanning salon just as he was leaving and didn't notice him.




     

This didn't grab me, but only on a superficial level as it's not the style I prefer.  For me it was too formal, so I'm probably the wrong person to comment (and I'd prefer past tense).

I'd prefer:

"He couldn't believe his good fortune; he knew the instant he woke up that morning it was going to be his lucky day, a very good day indeed.  She entered the tanning salon just as he was leaving and didn't notice him."

It does, of course leave me wondering why (he) had such good fortune and if and why (she) should have noticed (him), but it also leaves me wondering why you left out their names?

Lastly, there seems to be an awfully large jump between the first and second sentences, almost as if they are the beginnings of different chapters (unless he woke up in the tanning salon, which seems a little odd?).

Offline Main

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #123 on: August 08, 2006, 06:00:01 AM »
OK - I have two to bore you with...

Firstly:

"Midnight.
Illuminated by the patches of neon light falling between the shadows of the trees is a lost soul.  A soul old enough to know better, but still too young to comprehend its fate.  Holding onto the soul by a thread is the ripped and roasted psyche of a child."

That was the beginning of my prologue, but the first chapter begins:

"I tried to move, but failed dismally.  My body was numb and unresponsive; Id either had a heavy night out or Id received a solid beating from someone, but it was too early in the day to recall.  Almost certainly too early anyway."

The wording of the final line of the opening of the first chapter (as posted here) just isn't working for me.  Grrr.

Offline aellaholcomb

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« Reply #124 on: August 08, 2006, 09:06:51 AM »
Kilter,
  Yes, I do like it. Too bad we can't post more. Are we still able to do 500. I love children's stories and just found out, duh, the publisher finds artist, you don't have it. But the idea of trying to market one seems so hard. It's a whole different world. I buy them formyself for fun. Just got Walter the Rat (a literarry mouse), a Book about grandmothers and goatsand ordered the thirties Kate Seredy The Good Master a classic chilldren's story I read and reread as a kid.
  I've started giving some, the really wonderfully illustrated ones or ones with a sub-adult message to friends for holidays.
Good luck with dragon world. I won't be going into any caves for sure. Aella

Lin

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #125 on: August 08, 2006, 09:18:43 AM »
If you want to post more then please do so in the Review My Work Board, you can post 500 words there.   The idea of this thread is to see if the first lines would make a publisher want to sit up and read more with a view to taking on his author client.

All the best

Lin
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Offline kilter

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #126 on: August 08, 2006, 09:25:20 AM »
Come into my cave said the dragon to the... Aella (and Tamara's more than welcome.) :-[ ::)
O.K I've posted this already on the review section, but here's the first paragraph of my second book (nowhere near finished.).

Johnny McDolby lived a boring life. Nothing exciting happened, nothing scary, or that is how it felt. Imagine walking about in a bubble and yawning every moment of the day.

I'll post some more of the dragony thingy on the review section.
SeeYa!
-I can't tolerate fools, most likely because I am one.
-Writing is a long winding road, but every curve has its worthwhile view!

Offline Tamara

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #127 on: August 08, 2006, 06:12:19 PM »
You know, that will teach me to post things at 5 in the morning while I am at work.  I just went back and re read what I had posted and I left out a complete sentence..I am such a goof.  I thought dispatchers were supposed to be good at multitasking?!  Apparantly I am not.  I will go back and re post this later when I grab my mss.  Wow, it does sound like he slept at the tanning salon.  funny?  And to think that I read the posting before I hit the "post" button.

Kilter, I think that if I go into the cave, the dragon would eat me and spit out my bones.  (I will look for more of the dragon thingy in the review section!)

t.
I tap my fingers on the table to the rhythm in my soul
-Keith Urban

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend,
Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read.   
-Grocho Marx

Offline Main

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #128 on: August 08, 2006, 07:33:47 PM »
Looking forward to seeing your re-post Tamara.

Offline Faith

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #129 on: August 08, 2006, 08:54:34 PM »
Main,

OK - I have two to bore you with...

Firstly:

"Midnight.
Illuminated by the patches of neon light falling between the shadows of the trees is a lost soul. A soul old enough to know better, but still too young to comprehend its fate. Holding onto the soul by a thread is the ripped and roasted psyche of a child."

That was the beginning of my prologue, but the first chapter begins:

"I tried to move, but failed dismally. My body was numb and unresponsive; Id either had a heavy night out or Id received a solid beating from someone, but it was too early in the day to recall. Almost certainly too early anyway."

The wording of the final line of the opening of the first chapter (as posted here) just isn't working for me. Grrr.

I am intrigued, and I would definitely want to read more. However the final line doesn't work for me either. Not sure what you want to say, but it might sound better if you leave out the word "anyway" and simply say: "Almost certainly too early," or perhaps "Much too early." -- Just a suggestion.

Faith
"The act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thought, this in turn makes us think more deeply about life, which helps us regain our equilibrium." Norbert Platt

Offline Billy Tea

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #130 on: August 08, 2006, 09:06:39 PM »
It was a dark and stormy night. Apartt from the 2 Ronnies, have always wondered why that was called the worst opening line in history.

Offline Billy Tea

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #131 on: August 08, 2006, 09:14:26 PM »
All I could hear was the crack and rumble of scrubber cattle galloping away.They had spotted us as they were grazing beside the srcub just after daylight. Now they were in full flight towards the thickest patches to lie and hide.

Offline Hino Naoto

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #132 on: August 09, 2006, 11:41:58 PM »
Thanks Nadine!
Screw trying to be perfect! Its more fun to make mistakes!

Offline aellaholcomb

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« Reply #133 on: August 10, 2006, 01:17:14 AM »
Yep,
I would read on. Aella

Offline Cathy C

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Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more? FFEDBACK FORUM
« Reply #134 on: August 16, 2006, 09:18:45 PM »
This has been written and re-written so many times that I'm almost sick of it. :-\

Any comments at this point would be welcome  - even if they are only to say it should be binned.

Please, be as honest as you can. :-*


On what was to be the last night of her life Lucy Hamilton slept only fitfully.

Sometime around dawn, cheerfully hovering over the land of nod, her thumb sleepily followed the well-worn path to her mouth. For a few blissful moments, she managed to forget she was a big girl of six, sucking contently. But a sudden noise forced the digit from her mouth, expelling it with a reluctant and very wet plop!
Nervously, she looked round for what had wakened her.
Novel: Where Theres Smoke. Published by Fireborn publishing http://amzn.to/2tZKNCn

Short Story: A Killer Week Published by Bridge House http://amzn.to/2rhLVAX