First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?

[Lin]

In this thread I would like to give our "Reviewers" chance to post  the FIRST LINES of their novel  You know how it is with publishers - the first line/paragraph is always the one which catches the eye.I am hoping that members can get some short sharp feedback from their posts.I would ask you to post no more than 75 words please!  If you are a reviewer I suggest you copy and paste the  author's text with their name and review all on the same post. eg  PLEASE POST ON THIS THREAD BELOW

copy text
review underneath


The questions I would want you to answer are:

What caught my attention? Title? Names of characters etc
Did I want to read more?
What did I feel about those lines?

I would rather hope that those who want a quick review can gain this more easily as the reading of a short paragraph is quicker and most likely to be answered.

Good luck
Lin
Moderator

[Cathy C]

This sounds like a fantastic idea Lin.

As you say, Publishers seem to decide which novels they like, or dislike for that matter, solely by reading the first few paragraphs.

Sign me up for this one. (I need all the help I can get. )

Do we just post here or are you opening a new forum?

CATHY C

[Telcontar]

Hi Lin,

Well, seeing as I got a 'Bee in my Bonnet' a couple of months back about opening lines (courtesy of reviews in MWC, I might add) I'd better sign up to this one. Excellent idea!

Dave.

[Tyger]

Sounds great. I'm intrigued...

Tyger

[Lin]

Just post here and as I mentioned above, dont forget to copy and paste the authors 75 words and put your comments underneath, PLEASE DONT FORGET TO PUT THE NAME OF THE AUTHOR/MEMBER AND KEEP VIEWING THIS PAGE FOR COMMENTS ON YOUR OWN WORK

ie just a brief example and one I thought of on the spur of the moment
NO NEED TO COMMENT ITS JUST AN EXAMPLE
AUTHOR LIN

The Chief Steward sat with his crotchet work on his knee.  He was watching a movie.   The other officers and crew sat silently, but the Chief had seen the movie before and at the moment he remembered when the cat sprang out from behind the curtains, he was ready to pounce with his knitting!! NOW COPY AND PASTE AND COMMENT

 (actually this is a true story!!)

Lin

[mrryhrt]

Okay, I'll bite. Here's my first bit:

The setting sun streamed through a thin canopy of colored leaves, giving the illusion of warmth.  Shartanian eagerly anticipated each icy breath.  Surely life couldn’t get any better than this.

[Writers Block]

Count me in.

[Writers Block]

Okay, I'll bite. Here's my first bit:

The setting sun streamed through a thin canopy of colored leaves, giving the illusion of warmth.  Shartanian eagerly anticipated each icy breath.  Surely life couldn’t get any better than this.

Very nice prose, but as the first line(s) of a novel, it didn't grab me. 'Shartanian eagerly anticipated each icy breath.' would be better imo, but still not the hook you need.

[Writers Block]

I suggest a new forum, with a max of about 50 words. One paragraph only, make sure posters know that over the word count gets the post locked or deleted, I suggest deleted.

It also must be the first paragraph only. Or a max of (50) words.

[Lin]

Okay, I'll bite. Here's my first bit:

The setting sun streamed through a thin canopy of colored leaves, giving the illusion of warmth.  Shartanian eagerly anticipated each icy breath.  Surely life couldn’t get any better than this.

Lovely descriptions but I have to say that I think you need something more than this - you need more of a hook.  "Shartanian anticipated each icy breath" is a hook, but I cant help feeling I wasnt fulfilled.   Perhaps a few more words might have done it (you are allowed up to 75)  I suggest Shartanian shivered and anticipated each icy breath.   Or something which SHOWS more of the feelings of the character, therefore involving the reader in the feelings too.

I also feel as Writer's Block has said that the first line is probably a bit too ordinary.  Maybe you could change those sentences to start with the feelings of Shartanian.   Therefore drawing the reader immediatley into the characters shoes in the first sentence.   

I started my novel with the first line in the shoes of the main character and left my reader wanting to know more about her.   Then I went on to describe the scenery and her connection with that.

Hope this helps

Lin

[Writers Block]

I was out shopping earlier, in a bookshop, surprise, surprise.

I picked up a few and put them down, when it suddenly struck me, I had probably rejected about 8 to 10 books.

So, I went back to see what the problem was.

In all but one of the books, the first sentence didn't grab me (yes I am saying I only read the first sentence - if I am busy, I have less time to spend - I get extra choosey).  The one where the first sentence was promising, the first paragraph let the story down.

I didn't waste time reading on, I just left 'em.

Never, underestimate the importance of the opening.

[lynne-lynn]

Jennifer Jones sit's in her bedroom with a gallon of Vodka, her prescription of sleeping pills and some barbituates she wonder if it's enough to do the job, she has been doing this same routine for a year now. Wishing she has the nerve to take her own life, like she took life of her unborn child who was living and growing in her womb.

[Lin]

Jennifer Jones sit's in her bedroom with a gallon of Vodka, her prescription of sleeping pills and some barbituates she wonder if it's enough to do the job, she has been doing this same routine for a year now. Wishing she has the nerve to take her own life, like she took life of her unborn child who was living and growing in her womb.

I think this would have been better in the past tense

Jennifer Jones sat in the bedroom with a gallon of Vodka, sleeping pills and barbiturates by her side.  She wondered if it was enough to do the job.   Her routine had been the same for a year and wondering if she really had the nerve to take her own life she remembered  she was also  taking the life of her unborn child.

I think I would want to read more because here you would have left me wondering did she do it or not?

Im not sure if this is what you wanted but do you think it flows better?  Im not sure that the routine being the same has anything to do with what she was about to do, I think you could change that.

Hope this helps but I do think the past tense is better.


Lin

[lynne-lynn]

Thanks,

I was wondering about that when ever I write that passage or read it to someone so Thank you truly. Just the feed back I was wanting for I dont know myself if she goes through with maybe she should for more drama, But as for as "the same routine"

I like left out and also the past tense

It flows a lot better can I correspond with you more often.

If you need help just ask - Lin

[University Girl]

Okay I'll try

'I had settled, I knew that.  I wasn't stupid, but where the hell was that punch in the chest, the melting of my limbs?.  All the films said that when you were least expecting it, he would appear and you wouldn't even know he would be the one for you, the one who's kiss would take your breathe away, would leave you begging for more.  Hell, I hate Hollywood!!'