Author Topic: The Talking  (Read 2105 times)

Offline worlds

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The Talking
« on: December 07, 2010, 01:02:38 PM »
Still truckin along, tryin to work this whole poetry thing out....

Invading noises wreck
and destroy but for
a bathrooms sullen silence
where a moments rest
can be garnished
and yes, sure, the
mirror is stretching
tall, yawning open
while a column of water
suspends itself but,
at least,
it is quiet
and I can watch,
without distraction,
as the sunflower in
the picture on the wall
moves and dances
like the tops of
a thousand pollinated peoples.

Out there the alcohol
is doing the talking
but in here,
in here,
the mucks are clearing
a path so the
talking can really start.



Thanks for reading!!

Offline DIZI

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Re: The Talking
« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2010, 02:45:24 PM »
What I think,

Quote
Invading noises wreck
and destroy but for
a bathrooms sullen silence  grammar
where a moments rest
can be garnished
and yes, sure, the
mirror is stretching
tall, yawning open
while a column of water
suspends itself but,
at least,
it is quiet
and I can watch,
without distraction,
as the sunflower in
the picture on the wall
moves and dances
like the tops of
a thousand pollinated peoples.


Out there the alcohol
is doing the talking
but in here,
in here,
the mucks are clearing
a path so the
talking can really start.
  too many ´ing´s, it´s a cop out.  Just needs a bit of work.
jmo
http://dizidi.blogspot.com/

Offline John Yamrus

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Re: The Talking
« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2010, 03:24:48 PM »
Diz is right.  also, i'm sure you don't mean "garnished", which means to add something for decoration or embellishment.  i think you mean "garnered", which means collected.  poetry is very unforgiving.  you have to think about every single thing you do.  Diz was also right to suggest cutting this:

as the sunflower in
the picture on the wall
moves and dances
like the tops of
a thousand pollinated peoples.


it's just meaningless.  "pollinated people"? 
Since 1970 John's published 2 novels, 18 books of poetry, and had more than 1,300 poems published in mags around the world.   His new book, (his 20TH) called CAN'T STOP NOW! is available here:

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Offline DIZI

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Re: The Talking
« Reply #3 on: December 07, 2010, 05:30:52 PM »
Yeah, if you make the water column a bit more interesting or significant, leave it in.
Even describe an urinal or something else instead.
Is the toilet clean? Give us it´s character and an image of the place you are in. Without telling and no ´ ing´s
http://dizidi.blogspot.com/

Offline worlds

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Re: The Talking
« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2010, 12:23:25 PM »
here's an attempt to reconcile some of the issues and hopefully make for a better piece:


Invading noises threaten
to wreck and destroy,
a bathrooms sullen silence
where rest and breath
at least can be garnered.
The mirror stretches tall,
yawning open and wide
to reflect all,
the grime in the grout,
the mineral-dusted shower curtain,
a ghost and a face.
At the turn of a handle
a column of water suspends itself,
it glistens and whispers
but it doesn't move
top to bottom.
On the wall,
above the toilet,
once clean,
hangs a picture of
a sunflower,
it's alive,
the fleshy petals shake
and the mob of pollen
at its center dances
to some rhythm that,
with all the talking
going on out there,
I can't hear.


Better?

Offline DIZI

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Re: The Talking
« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2010, 03:10:49 PM »
My first thoughts on it,

Invading noises threaten
to wreck and destroy
,all three out dated clichés could be replaced.
athe bathroom´s sullen silence bit cliché. Think one word.
where rest and breath
at least can be garnered.  other word needed.

The a mirror stretches tall,
yawning open and wide
to reflect all,
the grime in the grout,
the mineral-dusted shower curtain,

a ghost and a face. maybe reverse - faces and ghosts ?

At the turn of a handle
a column of water suspends itself,
it glistens and whispers
but it doesn't move
top to bottom.
On the wall,
I was confused by this image. Not strong enough maybe.

above the toilet,
once clean,
hangs a picture of
a sunflower,
it's alive,
the fleshy petals shake
and the mob of pollen
at
its center dances
to some a rhythm that,
with all the talking
going on
out there,
I can't hear.
http://dizidi.blogspot.com/

Offline DIZI

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Re: The Talking
« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2010, 03:16:07 PM »
Oh and maybe, use racket instead of talk(ing) last S. (A bit from number one )And tighten it up.
Re-name it The Talk, Racket. Any thing but The Talking.
« Last Edit: December 09, 2010, 03:32:26 PM by DIZI »
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Offline 510bhan

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Re: The Talking
« Reply #7 on: December 09, 2010, 08:07:57 PM »
bathrooms>>>bathroom's
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Offline mouselady

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Re: The Talking
« Reply #8 on: December 11, 2010, 04:24:16 AM »
Worlds

Do keep going with your poetry - in my opinion, both these definitely show talent.

I prefer version 2.  Incidentally, interesting that you use 'it's' correctly - a lot of people don't - yet seem to have some problems using apostrophes to show possession: bathroom's; moment's rest.

Right, I'll get off my punctuation high-horse now.

Keep writing!


Mouse
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Offline DIZI

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Re: The Talking
« Reply #9 on: December 11, 2010, 06:15:57 AM »
I like this piece. I would not help you if I didn´t think it has potential.
http://dizidi.blogspot.com/

Offline mouselady

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Re: The Talking
« Reply #10 on: December 11, 2010, 01:06:14 PM »
I like this piece. I would not help you if I didn´t think it has potential.

Sorry, Diz, didn't mean to imply otherwise.


Cheers,

Mouse
Listen to 'Book It!' for author interviews, book reviews, original stories, and more on the last Saturday of the month, 10 -11 am GMT, on Sine FM, 102.6 on your radio dial, or www.sinefm.com

My dark fantasy, "The Woodcutter's Son", is available on Amazon.

Blog: sheilanorth.wordpress.com

Offline DIZI

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Re: The Talking
« Reply #11 on: December 11, 2010, 01:53:36 PM »
No, mouslady you didn´t.
I forgot to say it before, some times I go straight into editing
and the author may feel I´m just ripping it to pieces.
Sorry for mix up
http://dizidi.blogspot.com/

Offline worlds

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Re: The Talking
« Reply #12 on: December 12, 2010, 12:40:17 PM »
mouselady: thank you for the encouragement. my punctuation is usually pretty good, but for some reason when I write poems I miss little things like that lol trouble multitasking or something.

dizi: I appreciate the time you have taken to help me improve this poem. When I put a piece on a forum, I expect and hope for it to be ripped to pieces. I want the poem to be as good as I am capable of, so it is necessary that it take criticism. No worries : )

All that said, here's another draft:

Noises seem to nullify,
but for the bathroom's refuge
where breath and rest
at least can be grasped.
A mirror stretches,
yawns to reflect
the grime,
a face and a ghost.
At the turn of a handle
the water suspends itself,
a perfect column,
it glistens and whispers,
it shatters
over my hands.
On the wall,
above the toilet,
hangs a sunflower,
it's center dances
to a rhythm that,
with all the tumult
going on out there,
I can't hear.


Offline DIZI

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Re: The Talking
« Reply #13 on: December 12, 2010, 01:03:01 PM »
Yep, I like it.
Possibly some stanza breaks.  3 or 4 I can see,
but JMO
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Offline Big T

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Re: The Talking
« Reply #14 on: December 13, 2010, 12:26:16 AM »
worlds,
First time of reading for me and I haven't grasped the association between the mirror/water and the rest. Obviously I am missing something.

For me this works ...

Noises seem to nullify,
but for the bathroom's refuge
where breath and rest
at least can be grasped.
On the wall,
above the toilet,
hangs a sunflower,
it's center dances
to a rhythm that,
with all the tumult
going on out there,
I can't hear.


Feel free to ignore this.

You have already made a great difference/improvement to the original. There are those who advocate "less is more" there are others who say "tell me more" ... it's up to the author to choose which he/she feels best.

Thank you.
T

Big T  :o