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Author Topic: life  (Read 792 times)

Offline amandarea

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life
« on: December 07, 2010, 06:11:08 AM »
     Everyone always said that I was wasting my life away but I think no matter what you are even if its picking up trash on the side of the road or just laying in bed most of the day which is what I do about 80 % of my life. I don't know why but I always feel like something is missing. And I know what your think well maybe it's a man but no I'm in a relationship or I was his name is Clint we've been together for almost  4 years now and I can't imagine my live without him but I also can't imagine my life with him ether I don't know why but every time I think about spending the rest of my life with someone I just get a sick feeling in my stomach it's like I'm going to vomit even know I love him I just feel like  being with one person for the rest of your life is just setting  yourself up for disappointment every day I m waiting for something bad to happen  and I think this all started one day last spring it finally happen I was walking down the street and I saw Clint sitting on a pinch I was just wondering why he was sitting there all alone then I found out a beautiful girl walked over sat down and starting kissing him I wanted to walk over there and confront the both of them but i was in such shock I must have stood there and watch them for at least 10 minutes I just did not know what to do everything in my life was compliantly flip upside down what do I do 4 years of my life was waste it all meant nothing who I'm I what am I, I stayed home from college for him and now I'm working a dead end job that I hate and I did it all for him everything I do is for him but why don't I live my life for me and only for me. But before that I need to confront him I have to stand up for myself this is something I've never been able to do I devised a great plan I'm going to make him catch me cheating but I'm going to take it one step farther than he did I want him the catch me in the act I want him to catch me having sex with another boy so he can feel even worse than I do right now first have to find a boy someone better in every way  better looking who has a better job  a better house and doesn't have that dumb hair cut so the next  week I went to every cafe and every club I could think of but It was no good I started to give up then while waiting for my coffee he walked in he was the cutes guy I ever seen so now all that I left is to find a way to talk to him so when his coffee was ready I grabbed it and stared to walk out the door that when it happened he said hey I think that's mine so I told him sorry asked him out and gave him my number  his name was Shawn and we set a date for the next night and I could not wait everything was now coming together so I put on the sluttish dress I own and the sexiest lingerie underneath and we went out I asked him all the questions I needed to know he worked at a law form and live in a condo on the 69th floor ironic right I asked about his family past relationships and even the schools he went to the more I ask the more perfect he got and the more I started to like him and why shouldn't  I Clint doesn't care about me so why should I care about him the dated ended he walked me home I asked him to come in but he said no what is wrong me my boy friend is cheating on me and now Shawn don't want me but the next day Shawn call and asked me out again for that night for a movie I thought great we can kiss a little and maybe he will want to have sex with me than the plan can be put in effect so I got even sexier than I did the night before and the plan worked we made out all night till we got to the door I didn't even have to ask if he wanted to come in he pushed me in the door carried me to the bed ripped off my clothes, right before all this happened I did a 911 page to Clint and said to get right home so after the best sex I ever had I my life the best moment of my live happened Clint walked in I've never seen him like that after Shawn left me and Clint had a talk and he told me that he was happy that I cheated on him because he cheated on me and was trying to find a way to dump me but did not know how to do it and that this is the best thing that ever happened to him I couldn't believe it after all that work it meant nothing he did not even care and for some reason all I could think about was my 2 day fling that I had with Shawn and how much I must have messed thinks up with him but what could I do now I keep trying to call him but he did not want anything to do with me but why it not like we were dating we had only been on 2 dates  for the next weeks I went to his house and called him at least 20 times when I finally got a call from who I thought was him it was his sister call to tell me he had been I a car accented and died  he died leaving my house what did I do I killed someone to get revenge what kind of person am I? for the next month all I did I lay around and feel sorry for myself I quit my job and did not leave my house for three weeks I did not shower for a little over two I decided to take my own life why not what did I have live for I had no job, 4 years gone, and the boy I fell in love with in only 2 days  now was dead so it was settled  I'm going to jump off my roof so I walked up all 29 flights of stairs It never took so long to walk up steps when I got to the top I was never more sure that this was the right thing to do I got to the edge and looked down everything looked so little for up here the sun was just starting to rise and it was so beautiful I could have thought of a better time to do it I took one step off the edge and it was over the whole way down everything that has happened to me in the last 2 months went throw my head why did all this happen to me why did Clint cheat on me why did  Shawn have to die then it hit maybe I could have had a better live if I just made my live about me and not all about the men in my life but now it's too late here it comes I can see the ground now so I close my eyes and brace myself then I hit the ground people gathered around and look down at me no one know why I did it all they know is that I killed myself and they all felt sorry for me and no one will ever know why I did it that's why I wrote this letter before I jumped no one should feel sorry for me I did this to myself I deserve this and I glad it happened one thing I want everyone to get from reading this letter is that you should Live every day like it's your last because one day it will be.