Author Topic: Comments welcome!  (Read 2746 times)

Offline GaryHibberd

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Comments welcome!
« on: January 23, 2006, 11:23:49 AM »
Here's something I wrote some time ago... Interested in your views as to the style.. (Still trying to build confidence in writing fiction!) :-\



He was rooted to the spot, he simply couldn't move. All Tom could do was stand there, watching them in bed together.  Tom looked at them lying there, in HIS bed.  HE was sleeping on HIS side of the bed too!  Sandra and Tom had been together for over five years and here he was looking at her laying bed with someone else.  His eyes filled with tears. How could she do it?
   The first time he'd seen Sandra he fell in love with her and she with him.  It was fate.  She'd been so lonely and here was Tom. He'd been lonely and hurt too. His heart had been broken by countless acts of betrayal and desertion that he had almost given up hope of finding that one true love, the one who he could be with forever.  He really thought he'd found that in Sandra.  How could she do this to him after all this time?
   When they started to get to know each other they never left each otherís side.  They would spend the whole weekend walking in the park, or laying in bed together just watching TV.  As a treat she'd make him his breakfast in bed, usually Sausages and scrambled eggs.  He loved his life with her and thought she'd been happy too.  Obviously he was wrong. But she HAD been happy he knew she was, she never gave any indication that she'd been sad. Had she?  Sandra's endless chatter was a sure sign that she was content wasn't it? That never bothered Tom, she was the talker, and he would do the listening.  That's how it worked, and why it worked so well.  As he stood there looking at the two of them in bed, sleeping, he remembered the times she would lay brushing his face softly with her hand as they lay together.  He would stare into her eyes as she spoke soft, soothing words to him.  Their love seemed so real, so special and so... perfect.  Maybe that was the problem.  Maybe she needed this other guy to be something that he couldn't be.  Had he let her down?  Had he not been there for her when she was at her lowest? He really believed he had been.  She'd been through hell in her life, but so had he, and yet he was always there for her.
   He just loved spending time with her, he made her laugh with his crazy antics.  He really loved to hear her laugh.  Her whole face would light up as she erupted into laughter as he tickled her and chased her round the living room or bedroom.  She was his world and he was hers,  or so he believed.  But something must have gone wrong because he was standing there watching them both in his bed. Did he know her at all?  When did it all start going so wrong?  He couldn't quite remember, but she had seemed to be a little more distant lately.  She'd had to work late at the office on a number of occasions but he'd never really given it much thought.  Had she been seeing HIM then?  Maybe she had.  But more than the late hours, now he began to think about it, it started to make sense.  She'd not been quite as energetic as she had been in the past.  She was never quite so eager to go out with him or play the games in the bedroom like they used to.  He'd noticed, but not thought much about it that she didn't stay in bed with him as much as she used to.  Always making the excuse that she had 'things to do' or 'people to see', but never really explaining more than that.  Had he really been so blind?  Had she been seeing this guy right under his nose and he'd not seen the signs?
Tom stared at her from the doorway with his head down, he was crushed.  He knew that his whole life was going to change from this moment on, and Sandra was no longer his.  Tears swelled in his eyes, collecting at the corners, but not quite falling.  He was hurt, he was angry but most of all, he felt alone.
Just then Sandra began to stir, Tom watched her as she began to wake from her sleep.  What should he do?  Did he dare to just leave and pretend that he'd seen nothing?  Maintaining a kind of 'status quo'?  No, he couldn't do that.  Sandra knew him too well. If he tried to hide his feelings she would know.  All he could do was stand there and look at her.  As Sandra began to wake she turned and stroked the hair of the man lying by her side.  Tom watcher her kiss him.  She hadn't even noticed he was stood in the room.  Then slowly she sat up and rubbed her eyes and turned towards the door where Tom was standing.  Her eyes met his and for a second, which seemed to last a lifetime, they just looked at each other. 
The man lying by her side looked up at Sandra "What's wrong?" he said quietly, brushing a hair away from her cheek.
"Gareth.  There's someone I'd like you to meet" Her soothing voice cut through the quiet in the bedroom. 
Gareth turned to look in the direction she was looking.  Tom stood their watching them both, not quite sure what to do. Gareth sat upright in a hurry and clapped his hands together. "Come here boy!  I've heard a lot about you!  Sandra's told me your favourite breakfast is egg and sausages... Would you like me to make that for you? You soppy old pup?"
Now Tom wasn't a dog that was easily swayed but anyone who is willing to get out of bed and make him sausage and eggs couldn't be ALL bad... this guy might be ok.  Tom jumped on the bed with his tail wagging and licked the guy in appreciation, then he lay down and kissed Sandra too.   "Maybe this'll work out," Tom thought."

Offline aelfwin

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Re: Comments welcome!
« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2006, 05:16:03 PM »
Hi Gary, First, you've got a good idea for a story and your first line is a good hook. I would suggest that you re-write using a lot more show and a lot less telling. More dialog would help quite a bit. There are several areas of redundency that could be condenesed as well. Too much repetition causes the reader to lose interest. This are just my own  thoughts on it, take anything that might help, throw out the rest.  ;D aelf

Offline GaryHibberd

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Re: Comments welcome!
« Reply #2 on: January 24, 2006, 03:33:56 AM »
Thanks for your feedback... I'll take it on board and consider how I can improve it.

Many thanks!  ;D

Offline goldanon

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Re: Comments welcome!
« Reply #3 on: January 24, 2006, 04:17:43 AM »
Yes - it's a great idea - funny twist - I was totally taken in, but the first few paragraphs building up were looong for me -they are great when you know the ending, but considering while I was in the dark, they weren't exciting enough to get me to the end.    (by the way, after I knew the ending, I went back and reread the piece and the build-up was fine so maybe that's part of the problem - i.e. you aleady know the end).

Offline Linda Aitchison

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Re: Comments welcome!
« Reply #4 on: January 24, 2006, 07:08:22 AM »
I loved the start. Lost my way a little in the middle - which I think is taken care of by comments above.

Personally I was disappointed that it was a dog! (I'm sorry - does that sound like I'm cruel, wanting a man to suffer? I don't mean to be!)

I thought it began to sound like actually the narrator was someone who was too demanding in the ahem, 'bedroom department' and that he was going to hear his wife say something like 'It's bliss just to cuddle up and sleep with a man- not like Tom, all he wants to do is play his silly games!"

Was slightly concerned, although I hadn't guessed,  :) that having a dog as narrator was something that has been done lots already.

Anyway I thought overall that it was written nicely with a lightness of touch and had potential for the women's magazine market and that you should forget all notions of having no confidence as you have a natural easy to read style that flowed well.

Would look forward to reading a newer version.

Best wishes
<a href="">"Currently updating and adding to my book on freelance writing</a>