Author Topic: The Assassin and The Lord - flashback part one - please comment  (Read 1667 times)

Offline Writers Block

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Previous posts relating to same story if any wish to clarify anything:

Discussion with friend - http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=2955.0
Dialogue - http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=2898.0
Fight Scene - http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=2818.0
Opening chapter - http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=2728.0

It's a Fantasy with a romantic twist.

The action takes place during chapter four, however it is a flashback to how Patience(heroine) became involved in the 'organisation' and subsequently an assassin.

I have avoided a prologue, as I feel it will be better where it is - presuming I can get it to work right.

Due to it's length I will have to post in two parts.


Patience was nervous.  She wondered what had possessed her to leave the safety of her home.  Here she was hidden amongst some of the most noisome rubbish it had ever been her pleasure to smell!  And what a stink, she thought.

Her wonderful, lustrously long hair was stuffed under the jauntily arrange hat.  Her breasts had been bound to conceal them.  A little soot, from the fire, was smeared artfully on her face and hands; again in an attempt to disguise her origins, and her sex.

“Damn!”  An unladylike utterance muttered under her breath, fortunately helped to appease her exasperation.  Unfortunately, it did not help her predicament.

“Shush,” admonished the darkly clad figure.  “Did you hear that?”  Motioning for silence, he crept towards Patience's suddenly still form.

“Why you ask me a question then tell me to shush,” whined his accomplice?

“The Gods give me strength,” he replied, with resignation.  “And patience,” he added.

Patience started at the sound of her name, before realising that it was just in the conversation taking place between the two unknown individuals who had been following her.

The sound of her movement drew the attention of the long-suffering leader of the two.  “Ah, there you are.”  When the figure remained still and silent he continued, “you may as well come out.  No point in us both being smelly,” he added.

“We wont hurt you,” promised his accomplice, with vast insincerity.

Patience shuddered, but realising she had no choice reluctantly clambered out.

“Well, well.  What have we here?”

“It's a man,” supplied his helpful, but slightly puzzled friend.

“I know that blockhead.”

“But you said...”

“I was speaking metaphorically.  Please don't interrupt Jed,” he finished politely.

Jed didn't have a clue what the word meant, but he did know it was one of those times to be quiet.  He nodded his understanding and placed his index finger over his lips. “Shh,” he agreed.

“I am Tragear, my brother here is Jed.  You'll be coming with us, our sometime boss will have a use for such a pretty boy.  Gonna' need to clean you up though,”  he added,  wrinkling his nose at the increase in the already attention-grabbing aroma.

“But, I cant',”  Patience blurted, in panic.

“I'm sorry,” Tragear apologised, with every indication of sorrow.  “But... you have no choice in matter.”  He indicated the plain, but brutally efficient looking daggers they both possessed.  “I must insist.”

Patience nearly broke down and cried.  However, a moments thought suggested that would not be wise.  Anything that allowed her disguise to slip had to be avoided; anything.  Mentally admonishing herself to be brave, this was after all, her own doing.  Loss of just her reputation was looking like being the least of her current worries.

“Very well.”  Patience hesitated, before adding, “what will happen to me?”

“Come with us, to see Eagle.  He will decide what to do.”

“I have to be home soon.”  As a ploy it failed utterly, which only added to her apprehension as Tragear placed his hand on the pommel of his dagger.
Tragear lead them through a series of alleys, ignored by many due to their squaller and risk; distinguishable from each other only in the pattern the detritus formed.

Deeper into the Slum Quarter they went, although the area it covered was nowhere near a quarter of the city.  Patience was well and truly lost, despite her efforts to memorise the route.  She guessed they were nearing their destination as Tragear slowed down, became even more wary.  Stopping often to look around and listen, he would silently motion them forward.  The walls of the buildings, not all in any obvious use, seemed to tower overhead.  Dirt and grime added height where none existed.  Finally they came to a door, sturdy, well maintained, yet decorated to blend in with its surrounds.  A knock from Tragear caused a concealed spy-hole open.


Part two of flashback to follow
I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Offline Lightbulb

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Re: The Assassin and The Lord - flashback part one - please comment
« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2006, 09:17:59 AM »
Hey WB, don't seem to have too much writer's block do you??? Anyway, I wanted to say that I really enjoy reading the stuff you post, and you have quite a fine writing style. The one thing I really noticed about this piece that I wanted to tell you though was that as I read, I didn't know Jed was there. When he spoke it was kind of like he came out of nowhere for me. He didn't exisit for me until the line "We won't hurt you." That's when I knew there was a "We" to speak of. It could be as simple as moving the conversation around or that could be just me reading it wrong. I read back and saw that you had moved two people toward her, not just the one, but the whole thing really didn't click to me. Like I said, could just be me, if you don't get anymore comments about this, or you get one that says "I don't know what L's talking about..." then politely disregard, but I just thought to give you my comments. Otherwise, I really like it. Can't wait to buy a copy.

Offline Writers Block

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Re: The Assassin and The Lord - flashback part one - please comment
« Reply #2 on: July 10, 2006, 09:49:28 AM »
Quote
Hey WB, don't seem to have too much writer's block do you???

Oh, yes I do, I just work round it. ;)

Good point,

He is meant to blend into the background a bit, although not as much as you indicate.

Something I will have to look at.

I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Offline Tyger

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Re: The Assassin and The Lord - flashback part one - please comment
« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2006, 11:00:27 AM »
Patience was nervous.  She wondered what had possessed her to leave the safety of her home.  Here she was hidden amongst some of the most noisome rubbish it had ever been her pleasure to smell!  And what a stink, she thought.
Love this first paragraph

Her wonderful, lustrously long hair was stuffed under the jauntily arranged hat.  Her breasts had been bound to conceal them.  A little soot, from the fire, was smeared artfully on her face and hands; again in an attempt to disguise her origins, and her sex.
Nice!

“Damn!”  An unladylike utterance muttered under her breath, fortunately helped to appease her exasperation.  Unfortunately, it did not help her predicament.
This works, IF she’s a lady. For a warrior or thief this would be overdone.

“Shush,” admonished the darkly clad figure.  “Did you hear that?”  Motioning for silence, he crept towards Patience's suddenly still form.

“Why you ask me a question then tell me to shush,” whined his accomplice?

“The Gods give me strength,” he replied, with resignation.  “And patience,” he added.

Patience started at the sound of her name, before realising that it was just a word in the conversation taking place between the two unknown individuals who had been following her.

The sound of her movement drew the attention of the long-suffering leader [of the two].  “Ah, there you are.”  When the figure remained still and silent he continued, “you may as well come out.  No point in us both being smelly,” he added.

“We won’t hurt you,” promised his accomplice, with vast insincerity.

Patience shuddered, but realising she had no choice reluctantly clambered out.
(replace realising with something else, since you have it two paragraphs up)

“Well, well.  What have we here?”

“It's a man,” supplied his helpful, but slightly puzzled friend.

“I know that blockhead.”

“But you said...”

“I was speaking metaphorically.  Please don't interrupt Jed,” he finished politely.

(Perhaps something like “the one addressed as Jed” ties in a little more easily) Jed didn't have a clue what the word meant, but he did know it was one of those times to be quiet.  He nodded his understanding and placed his index finger over his lips. “Shh,” he agreed.

“I am Tragear, my brother here is Jed.  You'll be coming with us, our sometime boss will have a use for such a pretty boy.  Gonna' need to clean you up though,”  he added,  wrinkling his nose at the increase in the already attention-grabbing aroma.

“But, I cant',”  Patience blurted, in panic.

“I'm sorry,” Tragear apologised, with every indication of sorrow.  “But... you have no choice in matter.”  He indicated the plain, but brutally efficient looking daggers they both possessed.  “I must insist.”

Patience nearly broke down and cried.  However, a moment’s thought suggested that would not be wise.  Anything that allowed her disguise to slip had to be avoided; anything.  Mentally admonishing herself to be brave, this was after all, her own doing.  Loss of just her reputation was looking like being (this is awkward. Perhaps replace with “looked like the least of her worries) the least of her current worries.

“Very well.”  Patience hesitated, before adding, “what will happen to me?”

“Come with us, to see Eagle.  He will decide what to do.”

“I have to be home soon.”  As a ploy it failed utterly, which only added to her apprehension as Tragear placed his hand on the pommel of his dagger. (add something here, like maybe “and she reluctantly followed”)
Tragear lead them through a series of alleys, ignored by many due to their squaller (I think it’s “squalor”) and risk; distinguishable from each other only in the pattern the detritus formed.

The rest is great!
Let me know if any of this works for you.

Offline Prachan

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Re: The Assassin and The Lord - flashback part one - please comment
« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2006, 08:39:59 PM »
Hi WB

When I read your work. It is very interesting. I like the flow of your style, it really have me hook. I also found the character, Jed, very interesting. You give the impression of him bing quiet dum and funny at the same time. That is very effective. I also like the fact that the girl Patience, the heroine I suppose is dressing herself as a boy. For me, that is what I liked. This is the first I've read of your work and I don't know who the hero is. Do they meet when Patience is dressed as a boy? I think that would be very interesting and it would lead to a lot of confusion in the future if the hero developed some feeling towards her.

Overall, I think you did a really good work in this part of your novel. Is it a fantasy romance? I'm currently starting my fantasy romance as well. I know not a lot of people write books like that. But I love the fact that in the world of fantasy, there is romance in it.


I would like to read more of your work later. Quite busy at the moment with uni work.

:D
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Offline Writers Block

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Re: The Assassin and The Lord - flashback part one - please comment
« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2006, 04:10:16 AM »
Thank you both for your comments.

I love the way asking for critique gives us loads more word=k to do. ;D

Quote
This works, IF she’s a lady. For a warrior or thief this would be overdone.
yes she is a lady, Tyger.


Quote
(replace realising with something else, since you have it two paragraphs up)
- I hate it when I don't spot close repetitions.  Thank you.

Still checking out your other comments, must say there are some very good ones, I expect some, at least, will get changed.

I hate missing spelling mistakes, but thank you. ;)


Thank you one again, both, for your comments.

I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Telcontar

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Re: The Assassin and The Lord - flashback part one - please comment
« Reply #6 on: July 15, 2006, 09:24:45 AM »
Hi WB,

I got your suggestion to read this in the other post; sorry it'staken a while, work tends to get in the way of writing I'm afraid.
Quite interesting; you've certainly got me wanting to read on, which I will do with 'part two' later!

For my sins, I've had a look at it, and my suggestions follow, but as always these are just my ideas from the way it reads to me; other's mat read it differently, so fel free to feed the metaphorical shredder...


Patience was nervous.  She wondered what had possessed her to leave the safety of her home.  Here she was hidden amongst some of the most noisome rubbish it had ever been her pleasure to smell!  And what a stink, she thought.

I like this opening, but I’m not comfortable with ‘Noisome’, ‘smell’ and ‘stink’; they all say the same thing, a little too close togeher, though I’m not sure just how I’d write it.

Her wonderful, lustrously long hair was stuffed under the jauntily arranged hat.  Her breasts had been bound to conceal them.  A little soot was smeared artfully on her face and hands; again in an attempt to disguise her origins, and her sex.

’ , from the fire,’ I’d remove this, I think it’s a bit superflous; soot usually comes from a fire, though I do accept that you may be refering to a particular fire which you tell us of elswhere, in which case, put it back in!


“Damn!”  An unladylike utterance, muttered under her breath, helped to appease her exasperation.  Unfortunately, it did not help her predicament.

Just the way I read it, it seems to flow better with the comma following ‘utterance’. I’ve removed ‘fortunately’ for the same reason.

“Shush,” admonished the darkly clad figure.  “Did you hear that?”  Motioning for silence, he crept towards Patience's suddenly still form.

“Why you ask me a question then tell me to shush,” whined his accomplice?

“The Gods give me strength,” he replied, with resignation.  “And patience,” he added.


A bit like lightbulb, this had me baffled at first, I had the idea that Patience was the accomplice. How about a quick introduction for these characters, perhaps tagged on to the preceding sentence? :

“Unfortunately it did not help her predicament, though it did mask a slight noise from the two darkly clad figures stealthily approaching her hiding place”

And just on a point of order, the question mark goes at the end of the dialogue:

“Why you ask me a question then tell me to shush?” whined his accomplice

Patience started at the sound of her name, before realising that it was just a word in the conversation taking place between the two unknown individuals who had been following her.

The sound of her movement drew the attention of the pair’s long-suffering leader.  “Ah, there you are.”  When the figure remained still and silent he continued, “you may as well come out.  No point in us both being smelly,” he added.

“We won’t hurt you,” promised his accomplice, with vast insincerity.

Patience shuddered, but realising she had no choice reluctantly clambered out.

“Well, well.  What have we here?”

“It's a man,” supplied his helpful, but slightly puzzled friend.

“I know that blockhead.”

Half a thought here, I might put a comma after ‘I know that’; but it reads OK either way when I look at it.


“But you said...”

“I was speaking metaphorically.  Please don't interrupt Jed,” he finished politely.

Oh dear, me being pedantic again. I’d put a comma after ‘interrupt’, just so that we know that blockhead is Jed, rather than blockhead being told not to interrupt Jed, though it should be obvious as there are only two of them…

Jed didn't have a clue what ‘metaphorically’ meant, but he did know it was one of those times to be quiet.  He nodded his understanding and placed his index finger over his lips. “Shh,” he agreed.

I’d put ‘metaphorically’ in here; I had to do a quick look back to see just what ‘the word’ was.

“I am Tragear, my brother here is Jed.  You'll be coming with us, our sometime boss will have a use for such a pretty boy.  Gonna' need to clean you up though,”  he added,  wrinkling his nose at the increase in the already attention-grabbing aroma.

“But, I cant',”  Patience blurted, in panic.

“I'm sorry,” Tragear apologised, with every indication of sorrow.  “But... you have no choice in matter.”  He indicated the plain, but brutally efficient looking daggers they both possessed.  “I must insist.”

Patience nearly broke down and cried.  However, a moment’s thought suggested that would not be wise.  Anything that allowed her disguise to slip had to be avoided; anything.  Mentally admonishing herself to be brave, this was after all, her own doing.  Loss of just her reputation looked like being  the least of her current worries.

“Very well.”  Patience hesitated, before adding, “what will happen to me?”

“Come with us, to see Eagle.  He will decide what to do.”

“I have to be home soon.”  As a ploy it failed utterly, which only added to her apprehension as Tragear placed his hand on the pommel of his dagger


I think I’d rearrange this bit thus:

“Very well,” she said, then with a slight hesitation added “What will happen to me? I have to be home soon.”

As a ploy, it failed utterly.

“Come with us, to see Eagle,  he will decide what to do,” said Tragear as he placed his hand on the pommel of his dagger.



Tragear lead them through a series of alleys, ignored by many due to their squalor  and risk; distinguishable from each other only in the pattern the detritus formed.

Hope this might help, I've got to nip out for a while,but I'll have a look through Pt II when I get back. Incidentally, how the hell do you work around Writers Block?  ;D

Dave.

Offline Writers Block

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Re: The Assassin and The Lord - flashback part one - please comment
« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2006, 04:02:03 PM »
Hey Tel

Thanks for comments.

Looking through em now.

In fact I save all threads to a pdf file on comp, so if anything happens to em before I start reviewing pieces in depth, then I still have em.

Having a bit of trouble getting  round WB atm.

Stuck on a bit, I'm just chilling doing critiques and thinking about it, stariring at the page is counterproductive.

I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.